If Waif gets her grades, she will be at Oxbridge in the Autumn. I hope that she has been in recovery for long enough to be able to cope with the pressure, and am glad that it is only 90 minutes drive away so regular visits are feasible if needed. I worry that if she fails her offer grades then that could throw her into a tailspin of self doubt and the result is that I am again tempted to tell her to do some more work. Really I should just be so very very proud of her and not worry about the future. I still, and always will, love her with such unconditional feeling and heart. I know this is how all mother's feel but I can honestly say that her well being, and that of her big sister, is the most important part of my soul.
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Update at nearly 18
Waif continues to thrive. She is about to tackle her A2 examinations. At nearly 18, anorexia is becoming such a distant memory that sometimes I forget that the ONLY important thing is that she is alive, well and happy, and that I must not put her under too much academic pressure. I need to read this blog occasionally and remind myself of that. The 24/7, minute by minute worry of eating and health was so all consuming and so heartbreakingly painful at the time, and yet, like childbirth, so forgotten in the present. Waif is now a confident, funny, wilful young woman, but then (sigh) she was like that before anorexia struck and yet it did not make her immune.
If Waif gets her grades, she will be at Oxbridge in the Autumn. I hope that she has been in recovery for long enough to be able to cope with the pressure, and am glad that it is only 90 minutes drive away so regular visits are feasible if needed. I worry that if she fails her offer grades then that could throw her into a tailspin of self doubt and the result is that I am again tempted to tell her to do some more work. Really I should just be so very very proud of her and not worry about the future. I still, and always will, love her with such unconditional feeling and heart. I know this is how all mother's feel but I can honestly say that her well being, and that of her big sister, is the most important part of my soul.
If Waif gets her grades, she will be at Oxbridge in the Autumn. I hope that she has been in recovery for long enough to be able to cope with the pressure, and am glad that it is only 90 minutes drive away so regular visits are feasible if needed. I worry that if she fails her offer grades then that could throw her into a tailspin of self doubt and the result is that I am again tempted to tell her to do some more work. Really I should just be so very very proud of her and not worry about the future. I still, and always will, love her with such unconditional feeling and heart. I know this is how all mother's feel but I can honestly say that her well being, and that of her big sister, is the most important part of my soul.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Update at Sweet Sixteen
It is Waif's sixteenth birthday this week.
She is happy, sunny and well nourished.
I do absolutely bear in mind the cautionary tales that some of my lovely readers have posted, but I dare to hope. Waif now acts like a normal teen - she sneaks in chocolate bars, she picks at food on others' plates, she eats healthily at meals and enjoys eating out. I am grateful on a daily basis that I no longer need to monitor when and how much she eats as she seems to be doing so independently. Yes, she could hide fasting from me for weeks now as I seriously do not check up, but clearly she is doing fine on her own as her weight remains steady. I know that part of being a mother is letting go as my job has been to train her to live her own life: at 12 with anorexia, I believe I was right to take control of her everyday living. At 16, and healthy, the world is hers for the taking and I take a step back. I am going back to work in September (term time only) so she will have lots of autonomy.
Waif is still doing lots of sport: she cycles absolutely everywhere, without a helmet, but I live with that as I live with anything else so long as she is EATING. She has even had a go at track cycling now and may take that up seriously.
Waif has a wonderful figure - slim but not boney. She even has some curves. She has a lovely supportive boyfriend whom Waif has decided is too thin and is now feeding up. BF is indeed thin but I reckon that goes with the territory of being 6ft 5 inches tall at the age of 16.
Waif is still eccentric in a delightful way. She wanted a Segway for her birthday until someone much wiser pointed out that you cannot legally ride them on either the pavements or the road in the UK. She is settling for an hour of all terrain Segway riding in a nearby forest. You have to be aged over 10 and over 7 stone to do it. Happily, she is both of those!
My heart goes out to all of you reading that are either struggling with your own demons, or supporting a loved one with an Eating Disorder. I hope that our story can give some hope of a happy outcome (yes, I am touching lots of wood, and I will always be looking out for Waif). Whilst you are going through it, it really can seem that there is no hope. I wish I could help everyone.
She is happy, sunny and well nourished.
I do absolutely bear in mind the cautionary tales that some of my lovely readers have posted, but I dare to hope. Waif now acts like a normal teen - she sneaks in chocolate bars, she picks at food on others' plates, she eats healthily at meals and enjoys eating out. I am grateful on a daily basis that I no longer need to monitor when and how much she eats as she seems to be doing so independently. Yes, she could hide fasting from me for weeks now as I seriously do not check up, but clearly she is doing fine on her own as her weight remains steady. I know that part of being a mother is letting go as my job has been to train her to live her own life: at 12 with anorexia, I believe I was right to take control of her everyday living. At 16, and healthy, the world is hers for the taking and I take a step back. I am going back to work in September (term time only) so she will have lots of autonomy.
Waif is still doing lots of sport: she cycles absolutely everywhere, without a helmet, but I live with that as I live with anything else so long as she is EATING. She has even had a go at track cycling now and may take that up seriously.
Waif has a wonderful figure - slim but not boney. She even has some curves. She has a lovely supportive boyfriend whom Waif has decided is too thin and is now feeding up. BF is indeed thin but I reckon that goes with the territory of being 6ft 5 inches tall at the age of 16.
Waif is still eccentric in a delightful way. She wanted a Segway for her birthday until someone much wiser pointed out that you cannot legally ride them on either the pavements or the road in the UK. She is settling for an hour of all terrain Segway riding in a nearby forest. You have to be aged over 10 and over 7 stone to do it. Happily, she is both of those!
My heart goes out to all of you reading that are either struggling with your own demons, or supporting a loved one with an Eating Disorder. I hope that our story can give some hope of a happy outcome (yes, I am touching lots of wood, and I will always be looking out for Waif). Whilst you are going through it, it really can seem that there is no hope. I wish I could help everyone.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Final thoughts
It is a while now since Waif was discharged from the Maudsley. I go days without thinking about eating disorders and without worrying about my darling girl, and I feel confidence in her future. When I remember the dark days during which she was so very thin and getting thinner, I am overwhelmingly grateful to be here, now, with such an optimistic ending. I wish the same for every single person battling an eating disorder and so I want to summarise my experiences and learning in case it is of any help to others.
I look back and still can't fathom what the Maudsley did that was so magical - they talked to Waif regularly, always with me there, often with her father, and sometimes with her older sister. They probed into whether she was unhappy in any way (she always denied that she had any unhappiness other than being forced to family therapy) and whether she had suffered trauma when young (nope). As those drew a blank, we usually simply had her weighed, she was then either praised or sharply ticked off depending on whether she had gained or lost weight, had a discussion about the negative effects of being underweight and then chatted about what she had planned for the next week. A few times she was threatened with being hospitalised, or kept away from school, and she was banned from sport for a while, and she always put weight on after one of those sessions (I reckon the thought of compulsory feeding in hospital was pretty frightening). But she never really talked back.
Waif never spoke easily about her motivations - in fact, Waif never spoke at all about them and they are still a mystery. Perhaps when she is full grown she will share some insights with me.
From the outside (and with nudges from the Maudsley) I would say that she was a vulnerable child because she is such a perfectionist and so bright. When Waif decided to lose weight, she was not one to mess about with half measures and to lose heart half way through the day and have a Mars Bar. She does everything properly - with charts (I found those later, the ones she did aged 12 with lists of calories out and calories in, and sad or happy faces depending on how she rated herself). She was bright enough to do calorie searches on the web and to avoid high calorie foods. She was also at a very high pressure school which placed no value whatsoever on eating, indeed they made it difficult with their lunch pass system and the arranging of meetings, or detentions, or team practices in the short lunch hour which had long queues and much queue barging. It was simply easier not to eat between leaving the house at 7.10am in the morning and arriving home on the school bus at 5pm or 6.45pm.
We, her parents, must also shoulder some responsibility. I suspect we were "fattist" and inadvertently gave the impression that anyone overweight was faintly to be despised (I don't actually believe that, incidentally). Not that she was ever overweight, but it can't have helped as she could have extrapolated to thinking that the thinner she was, the more we would love her. Of course, when I realised she had anorexia and was not eating properly, I emphasised how bad it is to be underweight - so much more dangerous so much more quickly than being overweight, and went to great lengths to explain that there is a broad band of healthy weight and everyone should aim to be in it, but that it does not matter if you are at the slim end or the plump end, just that you are healthy. And with health comes beauty - clear skin, bright eyes, lustrous hair, a pink complexion. It annoys me so much (and not much does) when people within a perfectly healthy weight range moan about wanting to lose weight, and refer to food as "naughty". Why can't they be happy to be healthy and devote their mindspace to more interesting matters than their precise weight which, frankly, nobody else much cares about anyway? Okay, if you are morbidly obese then you ought to address your lifestyle, but the people I know who worry about extra pounds are a long way from that. It seems like an indulgence.
Perhaps there was also a little of Waif not wanting to grow up (this was suggested at the Maudsley, not least because Waif still slept in my bed until she was nearly 14). The world is a frightening place and she has parents who might be seen as high achievers (it doesn't seem that way to me, really, but I can see it is how she would see us) which can pile on the pressure.
In the end, I hope what helped Waif back to health was to know that our love never swerved, that we were there every step of the way and that we were so worried about her that it was obvious to her that getting thin was not a trivial matter. The fact I gave up my job to be with her, that I cried at night with worry, that we all changed our lives around her, that we moved her school and that I supervised all her eating must together have signalled that this was no game and possibly shocked her a little. We were lucky that we could make all those changes.
On a practical level, we followed the Maudsley approach which was to provide a regular, compulsory menu of food. That was the big non-negotiable. I provided high calorie meals 4 times a day and Waif, bless her, generally ate them - I was not so rigid that I would not let her swap one thing for another (whilst trying not to allow there to be bogey monster foods - advice from the Maudsley - like chips or sauces), and I never hid from her what was in the food and that it WAS high calorie and that that was because she NEEDED to put on weight. I explained that once she was healthy she could cut back to a normal diet as long as she didn't ever become too thin again because she would probably have a life long vulnerability.
At no point did any of us lie to Waif - not about how many calories there were in her food, nor why she needed to eat, nor what would happen to her if she did not. I feel that maintained some trust.
I also explained to her that physiologically she needed to eat a lot more calories than a normal person in order to put on weight - apparently one's body tries to maintain homeostasis and if you have been a certain weight for more than about 4 months, it resists letting that go up or down (this also explains why dieters have to bear with their diets and keep their weight off for 6 months before they can relax otherwise they will go back up to their pre diet weight). We never banned healthy food - lots of fruit and veg are always good, although I did have to let go about worrying about her teeth as getting calories into her with sugary snacks was more important than risking some fillings. Oddly, and happily, her teeth seem to have survived.
Waif now seems to eat normally although we will never again be fully relaxed about eating, I suspect, but we are close. I am going back to work in September, in a new job working with teenagers, so I need to start trusting Waif to make her own packed lunch, and to be independent of me as she starts in the sixth form. Gulp, I am just so happy to not be in that alternative universe where instead Waif was hospitalised and angry and still ill. Thank you to good fortune. Let me never mind about small worries.
Lastly, but certainly not least, thank you to all my lovely commenters and readers. I started this blog as a way of recording my own feelings to help me to deal with them, but also as a way of getting advice from those who have "been there" and "done that". I have found insights from readers who have themselves struggled with eating issues especially illuminating and, often, a good reality check. I have felt like you are true friends and your support got me through the tough times. Thank you.
I look back and still can't fathom what the Maudsley did that was so magical - they talked to Waif regularly, always with me there, often with her father, and sometimes with her older sister. They probed into whether she was unhappy in any way (she always denied that she had any unhappiness other than being forced to family therapy) and whether she had suffered trauma when young (nope). As those drew a blank, we usually simply had her weighed, she was then either praised or sharply ticked off depending on whether she had gained or lost weight, had a discussion about the negative effects of being underweight and then chatted about what she had planned for the next week. A few times she was threatened with being hospitalised, or kept away from school, and she was banned from sport for a while, and she always put weight on after one of those sessions (I reckon the thought of compulsory feeding in hospital was pretty frightening). But she never really talked back.
Waif never spoke easily about her motivations - in fact, Waif never spoke at all about them and they are still a mystery. Perhaps when she is full grown she will share some insights with me.
From the outside (and with nudges from the Maudsley) I would say that she was a vulnerable child because she is such a perfectionist and so bright. When Waif decided to lose weight, she was not one to mess about with half measures and to lose heart half way through the day and have a Mars Bar. She does everything properly - with charts (I found those later, the ones she did aged 12 with lists of calories out and calories in, and sad or happy faces depending on how she rated herself). She was bright enough to do calorie searches on the web and to avoid high calorie foods. She was also at a very high pressure school which placed no value whatsoever on eating, indeed they made it difficult with their lunch pass system and the arranging of meetings, or detentions, or team practices in the short lunch hour which had long queues and much queue barging. It was simply easier not to eat between leaving the house at 7.10am in the morning and arriving home on the school bus at 5pm or 6.45pm.
We, her parents, must also shoulder some responsibility. I suspect we were "fattist" and inadvertently gave the impression that anyone overweight was faintly to be despised (I don't actually believe that, incidentally). Not that she was ever overweight, but it can't have helped as she could have extrapolated to thinking that the thinner she was, the more we would love her. Of course, when I realised she had anorexia and was not eating properly, I emphasised how bad it is to be underweight - so much more dangerous so much more quickly than being overweight, and went to great lengths to explain that there is a broad band of healthy weight and everyone should aim to be in it, but that it does not matter if you are at the slim end or the plump end, just that you are healthy. And with health comes beauty - clear skin, bright eyes, lustrous hair, a pink complexion. It annoys me so much (and not much does) when people within a perfectly healthy weight range moan about wanting to lose weight, and refer to food as "naughty". Why can't they be happy to be healthy and devote their mindspace to more interesting matters than their precise weight which, frankly, nobody else much cares about anyway? Okay, if you are morbidly obese then you ought to address your lifestyle, but the people I know who worry about extra pounds are a long way from that. It seems like an indulgence.
Perhaps there was also a little of Waif not wanting to grow up (this was suggested at the Maudsley, not least because Waif still slept in my bed until she was nearly 14). The world is a frightening place and she has parents who might be seen as high achievers (it doesn't seem that way to me, really, but I can see it is how she would see us) which can pile on the pressure.
In the end, I hope what helped Waif back to health was to know that our love never swerved, that we were there every step of the way and that we were so worried about her that it was obvious to her that getting thin was not a trivial matter. The fact I gave up my job to be with her, that I cried at night with worry, that we all changed our lives around her, that we moved her school and that I supervised all her eating must together have signalled that this was no game and possibly shocked her a little. We were lucky that we could make all those changes.
On a practical level, we followed the Maudsley approach which was to provide a regular, compulsory menu of food. That was the big non-negotiable. I provided high calorie meals 4 times a day and Waif, bless her, generally ate them - I was not so rigid that I would not let her swap one thing for another (whilst trying not to allow there to be bogey monster foods - advice from the Maudsley - like chips or sauces), and I never hid from her what was in the food and that it WAS high calorie and that that was because she NEEDED to put on weight. I explained that once she was healthy she could cut back to a normal diet as long as she didn't ever become too thin again because she would probably have a life long vulnerability.
At no point did any of us lie to Waif - not about how many calories there were in her food, nor why she needed to eat, nor what would happen to her if she did not. I feel that maintained some trust.
I also explained to her that physiologically she needed to eat a lot more calories than a normal person in order to put on weight - apparently one's body tries to maintain homeostasis and if you have been a certain weight for more than about 4 months, it resists letting that go up or down (this also explains why dieters have to bear with their diets and keep their weight off for 6 months before they can relax otherwise they will go back up to their pre diet weight). We never banned healthy food - lots of fruit and veg are always good, although I did have to let go about worrying about her teeth as getting calories into her with sugary snacks was more important than risking some fillings. Oddly, and happily, her teeth seem to have survived.
Waif now seems to eat normally although we will never again be fully relaxed about eating, I suspect, but we are close. I am going back to work in September, in a new job working with teenagers, so I need to start trusting Waif to make her own packed lunch, and to be independent of me as she starts in the sixth form. Gulp, I am just so happy to not be in that alternative universe where instead Waif was hospitalised and angry and still ill. Thank you to good fortune. Let me never mind about small worries.
Lastly, but certainly not least, thank you to all my lovely commenters and readers. I started this blog as a way of recording my own feelings to help me to deal with them, but also as a way of getting advice from those who have "been there" and "done that". I have found insights from readers who have themselves struggled with eating issues especially illuminating and, often, a good reality check. I have felt like you are true friends and your support got me through the tough times. Thank you.
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Monday, 6 February 2012
Discharged from the Maudsley
We go out on a high :-)
At nearly 16 years old, Waif had her review appointment at the Maudsley late last week. She has grown again (1m66 now) and weighs a record 49kg. This is still short of her ideal of 56kg but she has maintained the weight solo, with no nagging or reminders from me, and without even supervision as Waif seems to go to Costa friends' houses for most meals. She is looking really well: still very slim but NOT skeletal. She has some muscle on her thighs rather than an alarmingly concave hollow. Nobody winds down their car window now and tells her to "eat more meat" , clothes bought from real grown up shops fit her snugly. I am so proud of her.
Nor has she neglected her studies. Waif has just been awarded a sixth form scholarship at her current school and despite being enticed by the offer of a place at one of the top girls' schools in the country, has decided to stay with her friends where she is.
The psychiatrist at the Maudsley said she was so happy to be saying goodbye. She implied that this kind of recovery is sadly still quite rare. The dark days of two years back where I could not look at Waif for wincing at her sharp bones and drawn skin seem so far behind. I no longer wake in the night wondering if I am going to lose the most precious thing in my life. I honestly don't want any more from life than that my daughters are strong, healthy and happy and at the moment they are.
I have a big thank you to say to all my followers and supporters, and to The Maudsley Hospital Teenage Eating Disorders team. We were lucky to catch Waif young and to hit this horrid disease hard. This is the happy ending to beat all happy endings. Now Waif can be a normal teen and cope with normal teen stresses. I can tell her "not to treat the house like a hotel" and her father can tell her she "can't go out dressed like that" and we will all be just fine. I sincerely wish such a happy ending on all of you who read this blog and might be suffering yourselves. Do it for your mum, do it for your friends but most of all do it for yourself - your body is there to be cherished and nourished for it to serve you well. Food is so not your enemy.
At nearly 16 years old, Waif had her review appointment at the Maudsley late last week. She has grown again (1m66 now) and weighs a record 49kg. This is still short of her ideal of 56kg but she has maintained the weight solo, with no nagging or reminders from me, and without even supervision as Waif seems to go to Costa friends' houses for most meals. She is looking really well: still very slim but NOT skeletal. She has some muscle on her thighs rather than an alarmingly concave hollow. Nobody winds down their car window now and tells her to "eat more meat" , clothes bought from real grown up shops fit her snugly. I am so proud of her.
Nor has she neglected her studies. Waif has just been awarded a sixth form scholarship at her current school and despite being enticed by the offer of a place at one of the top girls' schools in the country, has decided to stay with her friends where she is.
The psychiatrist at the Maudsley said she was so happy to be saying goodbye. She implied that this kind of recovery is sadly still quite rare. The dark days of two years back where I could not look at Waif for wincing at her sharp bones and drawn skin seem so far behind. I no longer wake in the night wondering if I am going to lose the most precious thing in my life. I honestly don't want any more from life than that my daughters are strong, healthy and happy and at the moment they are.
I have a big thank you to say to all my followers and supporters, and to The Maudsley Hospital Teenage Eating Disorders team. We were lucky to catch Waif young and to hit this horrid disease hard. This is the happy ending to beat all happy endings. Now Waif can be a normal teen and cope with normal teen stresses. I can tell her "not to treat the house like a hotel" and her father can tell her she "can't go out dressed like that" and we will all be just fine. I sincerely wish such a happy ending on all of you who read this blog and might be suffering yourselves. Do it for your mum, do it for your friends but most of all do it for yourself - your body is there to be cherished and nourished for it to serve you well. Food is so not your enemy.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Friday 13th
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same
...Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
New growth springs from forest fires. That's a thought to hang onto.
Yesterday, on Friday the thirteenth, OD got her rejection letter from Cambridge and drowned in the pool.
I am SO proud of her for giving it her best shot, and will be even more proud of the way she tackles this set back and sees it as a chance to redouble her efforts: it was such a close run thing. In a weird way, a year out of academia will give OD a chance to mature and to experience things she would never otherwise have done.
Also yesterday was the day that my father went into a home from which he is unlikely to ever emerge. It was time. My mother had been his full time carer for several years and carrying on was not an option without her endangering her health and giving up the rest of her own quality of life. With moderate to severe dementia he will be better cared for in a residential facility. Still, it's a heartbreaking time and incredibly difficult for my mother. OD has gone to stay with her for the weekend so they can nurse one another's very different heartbreaks.
Meanwhile Waif is being reassuringly teenagery: she spends a lot of time mooching in her room, which is more like a self contained flat as she has the largest bedroom in the house with a sitting part and a bedroom part. I will put up a photo later. The rest of her time is spent out with school friends, generally smoking in Ollie's hut. Waif swears to me that she does not smoke but she definitely smells strongly of cigarettes and it is clear that she is at least a second hand smoker.
I am a vehement anti-smoker merely on quality of life grounds - I HATE the smell and can't imagine why anyone would want to do it - yet also on health grounds. However, the health issues seem remote compared with anorexia which strikes so young and with such deathliness so I keep a low profile on the whole thing and hope that Waif is clever enough to make the right decision on her own. On one visit to the Maudsley, Waif was asked what I thought of smoking (the psych was encouraging her to hang out with her friends and drink and smoke!) and Waif was very clear that I had no shade of uncertainty about my views. So that's good. I can't really do more than give her strong advice. I have picked my battle and it is not the smoking one.
The Maudsley phoned me on Friday. You may remember that Waif has a review coming up on 2 February. Well, apparently the Head Psych (Waif's lovely, firm counsellor) is off for a good few weeks following an operation so we will be seeing someone else. I am still glad that Waif is going as it will be a time to reweigh her, but sure that she will not like the CHANGE of psych. I am guessing that she will be very shy and that the psych will not get a word out of her. Head Psych couldn't believe the difference in interaction from when she first met Waif (the no speaking act) to our final few appointments where Waif was the outspoken, zingy, ascerbic, funny girl that she is with us at home. I hope to see more and more of that girl :-)
And treat those two impostors just the same
...Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
New growth springs from forest fires. That's a thought to hang onto.
Yesterday, on Friday the thirteenth, OD got her rejection letter from Cambridge and drowned in the pool.
I am SO proud of her for giving it her best shot, and will be even more proud of the way she tackles this set back and sees it as a chance to redouble her efforts: it was such a close run thing. In a weird way, a year out of academia will give OD a chance to mature and to experience things she would never otherwise have done.
Also yesterday was the day that my father went into a home from which he is unlikely to ever emerge. It was time. My mother had been his full time carer for several years and carrying on was not an option without her endangering her health and giving up the rest of her own quality of life. With moderate to severe dementia he will be better cared for in a residential facility. Still, it's a heartbreaking time and incredibly difficult for my mother. OD has gone to stay with her for the weekend so they can nurse one another's very different heartbreaks.
Meanwhile Waif is being reassuringly teenagery: she spends a lot of time mooching in her room, which is more like a self contained flat as she has the largest bedroom in the house with a sitting part and a bedroom part. I will put up a photo later. The rest of her time is spent out with school friends, generally smoking in Ollie's hut. Waif swears to me that she does not smoke but she definitely smells strongly of cigarettes and it is clear that she is at least a second hand smoker.
I am a vehement anti-smoker merely on quality of life grounds - I HATE the smell and can't imagine why anyone would want to do it - yet also on health grounds. However, the health issues seem remote compared with anorexia which strikes so young and with such deathliness so I keep a low profile on the whole thing and hope that Waif is clever enough to make the right decision on her own. On one visit to the Maudsley, Waif was asked what I thought of smoking (the psych was encouraging her to hang out with her friends and drink and smoke!) and Waif was very clear that I had no shade of uncertainty about my views. So that's good. I can't really do more than give her strong advice. I have picked my battle and it is not the smoking one.
The Maudsley phoned me on Friday. You may remember that Waif has a review coming up on 2 February. Well, apparently the Head Psych (Waif's lovely, firm counsellor) is off for a good few weeks following an operation so we will be seeing someone else. I am still glad that Waif is going as it will be a time to reweigh her, but sure that she will not like the CHANGE of psych. I am guessing that she will be very shy and that the psych will not get a word out of her. Head Psych couldn't believe the difference in interaction from when she first met Waif (the no speaking act) to our final few appointments where Waif was the outspoken, zingy, ascerbic, funny girl that she is with us at home. I hope to see more and more of that girl :-)
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Still waiting
Firstborn Daughter is still splashing around in the Cambridge Pool.
I am not sure if the tension is telling but Waif has now gone off the whole idea of Oxbridge for herself. And she is having doubts about changing schools. I have told her that she should do just whatever she would like to do. I know how hard working and perfectionist she is so I have no worries about her under achieving so much as worries about her putting too much pressure on herself. Nor do I want to hold her back from her dreams, so I will simply support her decisions.
I am not sure if I have mentioned (and am too lazy to check) that the Maudsley have asked Waif back for a review appointment. They wanted to see her at the end of January but as this clashes with some of her public exams I put it off to 2nd February. I am reassured that they will confirm whether or not her weight is acceptable and/or has slipped. Her cousins came to visit on Sunday and my oldest niece (aged 22 and a very down to earth and kind primary school teacher) ticked me off for Waif looking far too thin :-(
Poor Waif is not well at the moment - D and V. Two years back I lived in terror of that as any weight loss would have been life threatening. I am so glad that we have a tiny buffer now such that I am sure she can go without food for 24 hours without compromising her health unduly.
I am not sure if the tension is telling but Waif has now gone off the whole idea of Oxbridge for herself. And she is having doubts about changing schools. I have told her that she should do just whatever she would like to do. I know how hard working and perfectionist she is so I have no worries about her under achieving so much as worries about her putting too much pressure on herself. Nor do I want to hold her back from her dreams, so I will simply support her decisions.
I am not sure if I have mentioned (and am too lazy to check) that the Maudsley have asked Waif back for a review appointment. They wanted to see her at the end of January but as this clashes with some of her public exams I put it off to 2nd February. I am reassured that they will confirm whether or not her weight is acceptable and/or has slipped. Her cousins came to visit on Sunday and my oldest niece (aged 22 and a very down to earth and kind primary school teacher) ticked me off for Waif looking far too thin :-(
Poor Waif is not well at the moment - D and V. Two years back I lived in terror of that as any weight loss would have been life threatening. I am so glad that we have a tiny buffer now such that I am sure she can go without food for 24 hours without compromising her health unduly.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Splashing about
We are still waiting for news on Older Daughter and her Cambridge entrance. I am not sure Waif should ever go through this as the stress is quite enormous on her.
Meanwhile, the Maudsley telephoned to offer Waif a review appointment. The first two days that they suggested are ones where Waif is sitting GCSE modules so were not possible. I have plumped for the day after her exams finish. I am not going to tell her until after the papers as I don't want her worrying about two things at once. I am hoping that the review will go well. I am glad that it means she will be weighed....hmmmm...that is the only reason to warn her weeks in advance as she always eats in anticipation of a weighing. Remembering where we were with Waif 2 years back makes me relax about this Oxbridge stuff actually. OD is healthy, happy and settled. I can't ask for more.
Meanwhile, the Maudsley telephoned to offer Waif a review appointment. The first two days that they suggested are ones where Waif is sitting GCSE modules so were not possible. I have plumped for the day after her exams finish. I am not going to tell her until after the papers as I don't want her worrying about two things at once. I am hoping that the review will go well. I am glad that it means she will be weighed....hmmmm...that is the only reason to warn her weeks in advance as she always eats in anticipation of a weighing. Remembering where we were with Waif 2 years back makes me relax about this Oxbridge stuff actually. OD is healthy, happy and settled. I can't ask for more.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
A glimpse into the future
I am sitting in the kitchen on tenterhooks: we are waiting for my Older Daughter's decision letter from Cambridge - whether or not she has been accepted to read Medicine next year.
We have accepted the sixth form place for Waif at the central London day school at which she won a place - there were 140 applicants for 12 places so she did well. Really it involves moving from one private London day school to another so it not too great a change BUT she will be going back to an all girls' school. With a desire to study maths, physics and economics this seems like a sensible trade as the chances are at her current school that she might well be the only girl in the higher maths set and (having been in that sort of position myself) that is not much fun as it leaves you short of female company. Waif is keen to remain friends with her current set, and I am sure she will as they all live locally to us and I know she will make the effort.
I have not been without qualms about the move as the only way that Waif will ever achieve any happiness in her life is to stay healthy. I have not persuaded her to weigh herself and let me know the weight but I have seen her several times in underwear and she is nowhere near as thin as she was 2 years back when she resembled a walking skeleton :-( OD dug out our holiday video from Christmas 2009 and we were all pretty horrified. She is now merely very slim which, although dangerous territory, is not in itself worrying. Hearteningly, she tucks in to chocolates when they are on offer and always eats ice cream for pudding at supper time. Apart from that, she eats very healthily: usually the vegetarian options, always lots of greens and often a medium small portion but not ridiculously minuscule. I am daring to hope that perhaps she will be one of the lucky ones to beat this thing once and for all. If so, I don't want to hold her back unnecessarily. At her new school she will be in a class of about 8 and they have a tremendously good Oxbridge record.
OD has just gone to the cafe round the corner and I am instructed to phone her when the letter arrives. Gulp, any minute now.......
We have accepted the sixth form place for Waif at the central London day school at which she won a place - there were 140 applicants for 12 places so she did well. Really it involves moving from one private London day school to another so it not too great a change BUT she will be going back to an all girls' school. With a desire to study maths, physics and economics this seems like a sensible trade as the chances are at her current school that she might well be the only girl in the higher maths set and (having been in that sort of position myself) that is not much fun as it leaves you short of female company. Waif is keen to remain friends with her current set, and I am sure she will as they all live locally to us and I know she will make the effort.
I have not been without qualms about the move as the only way that Waif will ever achieve any happiness in her life is to stay healthy. I have not persuaded her to weigh herself and let me know the weight but I have seen her several times in underwear and she is nowhere near as thin as she was 2 years back when she resembled a walking skeleton :-( OD dug out our holiday video from Christmas 2009 and we were all pretty horrified. She is now merely very slim which, although dangerous territory, is not in itself worrying. Hearteningly, she tucks in to chocolates when they are on offer and always eats ice cream for pudding at supper time. Apart from that, she eats very healthily: usually the vegetarian options, always lots of greens and often a medium small portion but not ridiculously minuscule. I am daring to hope that perhaps she will be one of the lucky ones to beat this thing once and for all. If so, I don't want to hold her back unnecessarily. At her new school she will be in a class of about 8 and they have a tremendously good Oxbridge record.
OD has just gone to the cafe round the corner and I am instructed to phone her when the letter arrives. Gulp, any minute now.......
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Weight and Oxbridge
Prompted by Diana and the passage of time, here is an update.
How is Waif doing? Hmmm...being a bit grumpy and looking very thin is one answer, sadly. Getting in to a top London school for Sixth Form and still being the light of my life is another.
Possibly against my better judgment and because I am far from perfect, I renewed Waif's gym membership. I decided that if I don't and if she is determined then she will merely exercise some other way (eg walking to school secretly). She always stays late after school to "do art". How would I know if she were actually going to the school gym? I hope not but I can never know. She will still eat when prompted and just about everything I put in front of her - she is very obliging and good BUT will make all sorts of excuses to trade high calorie items and/or skip the between meal snacks.
Last week, she definitely tried cigarettes which made her feel sick. I can't get excited about smoking (even thought I loathe it with a passion) when she still has eating issues. As long as she eats I don't care about anything else.
I am so proud of her school offer, but am holding off on a decision: on the one hand, she deserves a first class education as she is clearly a very bright girl and I would hesitate to deprive anyone of that. OTOH she did not cope at the last high pressure girls' school she was at so why on earth am I contemplating sending her to another?
The school in question has a very good supportive approach to anorexics (unlike Waif's last school which just told her to leave) which is a good sign.
Meanwhile, I took Older Daughter to her Cambridge interview on Monday. In the hotel dining room, were numerous pairs of mothers and teen offspring looking both smart and nervous and clearly all there for the same reason. Amongst them was a girl so thin I just wanted to hug her and advise her to chase her dreams of Cambridge but first she had to EAT or she would not even be living that long :-( :-( It is so hard as a bystander to understand WHY anorexics don't eat. It can't be to look better because below a certain weight people look awful - bony, drawn, even - I hesitate to say it - repulsive. So what is it? OD reckons it is that they look at one part of themselves eg their stomach and decide that THAT part is too fat and diet until (never) that part is acceptable to them without looking at the whole picture. The irony is that on starvation rations, one will never have a flat stomach due to some kind of protein osmosis (OD told me the details, but I forget).
I don't want Waif to be that skeletal girl having breakfast before her Oxford interview in 2 years' time.
Meantime here are some pics:
I was cleaning out the kitchen cupboards........
We have been looking at old photos and organising the computer files. This one made me laugh. We have three cats and a dog and this cat has cattitude for sure.
More heart tugging are old photos of Waif, before she got too too thin, where she looks healthy and happy. Where is she hiding?
How is Waif doing? Hmmm...being a bit grumpy and looking very thin is one answer, sadly. Getting in to a top London school for Sixth Form and still being the light of my life is another.
Possibly against my better judgment and because I am far from perfect, I renewed Waif's gym membership. I decided that if I don't and if she is determined then she will merely exercise some other way (eg walking to school secretly). She always stays late after school to "do art". How would I know if she were actually going to the school gym? I hope not but I can never know. She will still eat when prompted and just about everything I put in front of her - she is very obliging and good BUT will make all sorts of excuses to trade high calorie items and/or skip the between meal snacks.
Last week, she definitely tried cigarettes which made her feel sick. I can't get excited about smoking (even thought I loathe it with a passion) when she still has eating issues. As long as she eats I don't care about anything else.
I am so proud of her school offer, but am holding off on a decision: on the one hand, she deserves a first class education as she is clearly a very bright girl and I would hesitate to deprive anyone of that. OTOH she did not cope at the last high pressure girls' school she was at so why on earth am I contemplating sending her to another?
The school in question has a very good supportive approach to anorexics (unlike Waif's last school which just told her to leave) which is a good sign.
Meanwhile, I took Older Daughter to her Cambridge interview on Monday. In the hotel dining room, were numerous pairs of mothers and teen offspring looking both smart and nervous and clearly all there for the same reason. Amongst them was a girl so thin I just wanted to hug her and advise her to chase her dreams of Cambridge but first she had to EAT or she would not even be living that long :-( :-( It is so hard as a bystander to understand WHY anorexics don't eat. It can't be to look better because below a certain weight people look awful - bony, drawn, even - I hesitate to say it - repulsive. So what is it? OD reckons it is that they look at one part of themselves eg their stomach and decide that THAT part is too fat and diet until (never) that part is acceptable to them without looking at the whole picture. The irony is that on starvation rations, one will never have a flat stomach due to some kind of protein osmosis (OD told me the details, but I forget).
I don't want Waif to be that skeletal girl having breakfast before her Oxford interview in 2 years' time.
Meantime here are some pics:
I was cleaning out the kitchen cupboards........
More heart tugging are old photos of Waif, before she got too too thin, where she looks healthy and happy. Where is she hiding?
Monday, 28 November 2011
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
School run subterfuge
Waif's school is about 4 miles from home. As you, Dear Reader, will know if you have been reading for long, Waif often cycles this in the warmer months but I have vetoed cycling for November through to the February half term as it is too dark and dangerous where she has to negotiate London A roads.
We have near neighbours each with a son at Waif's school and they share a school run in the car. It is also possible to catch 2 buses to school, or to walk through the park and then catch one bus. The timings are basically as follows:
cycling: 10 mins
car journey: 15 mins (rush hour traffic and no short cuts across the park make this longer than cycling)
bus: 40 mins to an hour depending on waits :-( the first bus runs only every 25 mins so the wait is unpredictable but last month this improved as there is a new iphone app telling you when a bus is due.
walking: about an hour
walking half way then bus: about an hour
You can see why Waif likes cycling.
I have provisionally joined the lift share so that Waif can have a lift to school every day. However, she has been refusing to take it and insisting instead on going by bus. I have let this ride as I applaud independence and, in London, bus travel is free so it doesn't cost any more. I still do my turn(s) on the lift share to reserve Waif's ability to get a lift any day she wants one.
Her logic is that she does not want to sit in the back of a car with boys who smell and that she does not know. They do not in reality smell as far as I have noticed, incidentally, and seem like very nice boys. One is in the year above her at school and the other is in the year below. Ho hum, I have merely pointed out that she has no control who sits next to her on the bus..
I have been blind though, Dear Readers. The Near Neighbour (NN) I met on bonfire night told me that her anorexic daughter turned out to have been walking to school every day, whilst pretending to get the bus early for extra studying. This is all about burning off calories.
Waif has been leaving for school at 7.30 even though she now has a new app for her iphone called Buschecker which predicts the arrival of the next bus and so her journey should have been getting shorter. She has also been staying after school to do art, telling me that she will text when she needs a lift home, and then texting me to tell me she is in fact on the bus.
I told NN that I trusted Waif. She cautioned me to check up on her. I had not done that until this morning when one of my Older Daughter's friends arrived at our house for her lift with Older Daughter and remarked she had just seen Waif in the Park. The Park is not between us and the bus stop.
Waif had been in a strop this morning for at least two reasons:
1. I had made her scrambled egg and insisted she ate it with 2 pieces of toast; and
2. her grandparents were staying and she has had issues with her grandfather who has in fact inadvertantly(ish) been quite cruel and hurtful to Waif, and is too "old school" to apologise and make up. We are only just on speaking terms really although I am not sure he has noticed.
Anyway, whether it was Waif's mood that put me on alert, or just the tip off that she was in the park I am not sure but I threw on my clothes, grabbed Waif's bike from the shed and pedalled off after her. I caught up with Waif probably 15 minutes after she had left home, trudging through the rain across the Heath half way to school.
Sigh. I told her she was grounded and insisted she came home (I am not sure why I didn't let her keep going at that point as school was as close as home but I wanted consequences).
She knew she had been rumbled although she half heartedly said she hadn't mentioned the walking as she thought I wouldn't mind whether or not she was walking. She knew that was a lie. I explained that I was very hurt and upset that she had lied to me, and worried about her weight, and asked her to promise to be honest so that I can help her. I will tell her tonight this is the moment at which I now insist on her accepting a lift every day after a cooked breakfast - I expect she will work that out for herself really. We had a good chat on the way home with her agreeing that any weight under 50kg was much too little and that she would try to eat as much as possible until she was over that. Her target weight is actually more like 56kg but that is for another day. One step at a time. In return, I told her that I was doing my best not to bully her, but more to help give her strategies and insight and she agreed that she did not feel bullied by me (rather surprisingly and I am not sure if that is good or not).
She admitted to also walking home on a few days. This would mean that she was taking an 8 mile walk with a bag each day she walked both ways.
She did not want the indignity of meeting her grandparents back at the house so I went in first, organised a distraction, and then snuck Waif upstairs for the half hour before the grandparents left. Waif and I then ate a second breakfast and I drove her to school. Double sigh. I feel so sorry for her. I tried to talk to her about her worries (school entrance exams, her grandfather, boys.....) but there does not seem to be a specific link. I wish there were a magic bullet.
We have near neighbours each with a son at Waif's school and they share a school run in the car. It is also possible to catch 2 buses to school, or to walk through the park and then catch one bus. The timings are basically as follows:
cycling: 10 mins
car journey: 15 mins (rush hour traffic and no short cuts across the park make this longer than cycling)
bus: 40 mins to an hour depending on waits :-( the first bus runs only every 25 mins so the wait is unpredictable but last month this improved as there is a new iphone app telling you when a bus is due.
walking: about an hour
walking half way then bus: about an hour
You can see why Waif likes cycling.
I have provisionally joined the lift share so that Waif can have a lift to school every day. However, she has been refusing to take it and insisting instead on going by bus. I have let this ride as I applaud independence and, in London, bus travel is free so it doesn't cost any more. I still do my turn(s) on the lift share to reserve Waif's ability to get a lift any day she wants one.
Her logic is that she does not want to sit in the back of a car with boys who smell and that she does not know. They do not in reality smell as far as I have noticed, incidentally, and seem like very nice boys. One is in the year above her at school and the other is in the year below. Ho hum, I have merely pointed out that she has no control who sits next to her on the bus..
I have been blind though, Dear Readers. The Near Neighbour (NN) I met on bonfire night told me that her anorexic daughter turned out to have been walking to school every day, whilst pretending to get the bus early for extra studying. This is all about burning off calories.
Waif has been leaving for school at 7.30 even though she now has a new app for her iphone called Buschecker which predicts the arrival of the next bus and so her journey should have been getting shorter. She has also been staying after school to do art, telling me that she will text when she needs a lift home, and then texting me to tell me she is in fact on the bus.
I told NN that I trusted Waif. She cautioned me to check up on her. I had not done that until this morning when one of my Older Daughter's friends arrived at our house for her lift with Older Daughter and remarked she had just seen Waif in the Park. The Park is not between us and the bus stop.
Waif had been in a strop this morning for at least two reasons:
1. I had made her scrambled egg and insisted she ate it with 2 pieces of toast; and
2. her grandparents were staying and she has had issues with her grandfather who has in fact inadvertantly(ish) been quite cruel and hurtful to Waif, and is too "old school" to apologise and make up. We are only just on speaking terms really although I am not sure he has noticed.
Anyway, whether it was Waif's mood that put me on alert, or just the tip off that she was in the park I am not sure but I threw on my clothes, grabbed Waif's bike from the shed and pedalled off after her. I caught up with Waif probably 15 minutes after she had left home, trudging through the rain across the Heath half way to school.
Sigh. I told her she was grounded and insisted she came home (I am not sure why I didn't let her keep going at that point as school was as close as home but I wanted consequences).
She knew she had been rumbled although she half heartedly said she hadn't mentioned the walking as she thought I wouldn't mind whether or not she was walking. She knew that was a lie. I explained that I was very hurt and upset that she had lied to me, and worried about her weight, and asked her to promise to be honest so that I can help her. I will tell her tonight this is the moment at which I now insist on her accepting a lift every day after a cooked breakfast - I expect she will work that out for herself really. We had a good chat on the way home with her agreeing that any weight under 50kg was much too little and that she would try to eat as much as possible until she was over that. Her target weight is actually more like 56kg but that is for another day. One step at a time. In return, I told her that I was doing my best not to bully her, but more to help give her strategies and insight and she agreed that she did not feel bullied by me (rather surprisingly and I am not sure if that is good or not).
She admitted to also walking home on a few days. This would mean that she was taking an 8 mile walk with a bag each day she walked both ways.
She did not want the indignity of meeting her grandparents back at the house so I went in first, organised a distraction, and then snuck Waif upstairs for the half hour before the grandparents left. Waif and I then ate a second breakfast and I drove her to school. Double sigh. I feel so sorry for her. I tried to talk to her about her worries (school entrance exams, her grandfather, boys.....) but there does not seem to be a specific link. I wish there were a magic bullet.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Holidays in New York!
I have booked for us to spend a week in the Big Apple over Christmas. It will be one of our last family holidays as Older Daughter will be off to university next year (sniff) and Easter 2012 will be filled with revision for both OD and Waif as they prepare for GCSEs and "A" levels.
I have the flights and accommodation sorted but still have the pleasure of arranging our itinerary. I hope to include:
- lighting of the Christmas Tree at the Rockerfeller Centre
- going to the top of the Empire State Building
- visiting the Met
- ice skating in Central Park
- going out for brunch
- going to the Frick Collection
- catching a show on Broadway
- and a guided tour around Central Park on Christmas Day
hopefully in the snow!
I have the flights and accommodation sorted but still have the pleasure of arranging our itinerary. I hope to include:
- lighting of the Christmas Tree at the Rockerfeller Centre
- going to the top of the Empire State Building
- visiting the Met
- ice skating in Central Park
- going out for brunch
- going to the Frick Collection
- catching a show on Broadway
- and a guided tour around Central Park on Christmas Day
hopefully in the snow!
Ok, I am off to book some of those things right now!
Monday, 14 November 2011
Dilemmas Academic
Waif is a bright and determined young lady. Lots of anorexics are - I guess it is the same determination and perseverance that allows them to take such control of their eating and also to work persistently. You couldn't be a slapdash anorexic.
If you have followed this blog for a while, you will know that it began with her moving from her high pressure academic london girls' school to a gentler, local mixed school. There were several reasons for this: firstly, I was worried that fall outs with class mates was making her unhappy at her last school (she had a year dominated by a couple of really very nasty characters which had an enormous impact on the rest of the class), secondly I wanted to be close enough to supervise lunches if necessary (it wasn't, luckily) and thirdly because her old school dropped a very unsubtle hint that they could not cope with her, which I suspect meant that they were aware of their disastrous reputation for anorexia. They certainly, for all their ultimate sympathy on leaving, made it difficult for the girls to eat. aside: I would love to campaign for schools to have a sacrosanct lunch hour, like hospitals are encouraged to do, devoid of meetings arranged, detentions given or information sessions during the time they should be eating, and that all girls should be able to eat even if they have forgotten their passes.
Roll on 18 months: Waif is happy and settled in her local school. She has a lovely set of friends whom she sees nearly every day after school, boys and girls alike. Her teachers adore her. The world looks bright.
Here is a picture break- 2 of our cats:
BUT Waif sees Older Daughter in her UCAS struggles - Cambridge is her top choice - and how every mark at GCSE and AS level counts. Waif has begun to look to the future and has decided that she wants to go to Oxford, the problem being that at her current school the academics are okay rather than excellent. At "A" level next year, she will be in a class with students aiming at B and C grades as well as those aiming for A and A*. One of her chosen "A" level subjects is taught by a whacky and inspirational teacher who has not achieved good grades for his pupils last year, sadly. The upshot of this is that Waif has been looking around at Sixth Form options. Last week she took the entrance exam for a prestigious central London girls' school, performed well and has been asked for interview on Thursday. I suspect she did outstandingly in the Further Maths paper as she said it asked her for proofs. She had never done a proof before but said that she got them all (!) out. I am not wholly surprised as she is a natural, even though she does not wildly care for the sciences.
Waif still looks to us for guidance and I am not sure whether to steer her away from a school move, or to encourage it...or to let her decide wholly alone. I have tried to lay out some pro's and cons as I see them: classes at Top School will be faster and more inspiring and their Oxbridge results are stunning. On the other hand, she will not have any established friends there, and we agreed it took 6-12 months for her to make good friends at Local School, and she will not be singled out for particular attention in the way she will be at her Local School where the Head is very keen to groom his Oxbridge candidates in order to build up the reputation of the school. Also, if you move at sixth form to a school with an established pupil base (rather than a sixth form college where all are new), you can guarantee you will not be the one picked for prefect, or Head Girl, or Head of Games or cut slack when you are ill as you are an unknown quantity yet to establish your good reputation - she is a complete teacher's dream so very likely to have some of those things at her current school.
And together with all of this, is the anorexia. This she is less willing to discuss. In my mind, academic success will bring her happiness and help her to be stable, but various friends have counselled me that Oxbridge is bad news for anorexics as it is so high pressure. Top School also has its fair share of anorexics.
Waif is up to some of her old tricks: breakfast is now a minimally small bowl of bran flakes and a piece of dry toast. Lunch yesterday was a small bowl of soup and a piece of bread. She SWORE to me that she had eaten cake at Costa and a good supper at a friend's house but sometimes she kids herself. I am working up to getting her on the scales to check my fears. She DOES look thin but then I met a fellow runner yesterday who sees Waif at the gym who reckoned she just looked lanky. I have lost the ability to judge. One thing I am certain of is that she has become defensive and grumpy which I remember all too well from the time 2 years ago that she was rapidly losing weight :-(
In conclusion, the ONLY thing I care about is Waif's wellbeing and happiness. I know these all hinge on her eating properly and maintaining a healthy body. What I am less clear about is whether this will all follow on form academic success (which will make her happy). I am inclined to encourage her to stay at Local School where she is loved and cherished, and to grab the opportunities afforded to her for academic enhancement should she want those. Local School does, after all, have some Oxbridge success.
Dilemmas!
If you have followed this blog for a while, you will know that it began with her moving from her high pressure academic london girls' school to a gentler, local mixed school. There were several reasons for this: firstly, I was worried that fall outs with class mates was making her unhappy at her last school (she had a year dominated by a couple of really very nasty characters which had an enormous impact on the rest of the class), secondly I wanted to be close enough to supervise lunches if necessary (it wasn't, luckily) and thirdly because her old school dropped a very unsubtle hint that they could not cope with her, which I suspect meant that they were aware of their disastrous reputation for anorexia. They certainly, for all their ultimate sympathy on leaving, made it difficult for the girls to eat. aside: I would love to campaign for schools to have a sacrosanct lunch hour, like hospitals are encouraged to do, devoid of meetings arranged, detentions given or information sessions during the time they should be eating, and that all girls should be able to eat even if they have forgotten their passes.
Roll on 18 months: Waif is happy and settled in her local school. She has a lovely set of friends whom she sees nearly every day after school, boys and girls alike. Her teachers adore her. The world looks bright.
Here is a picture break- 2 of our cats:
BUT Waif sees Older Daughter in her UCAS struggles - Cambridge is her top choice - and how every mark at GCSE and AS level counts. Waif has begun to look to the future and has decided that she wants to go to Oxford, the problem being that at her current school the academics are okay rather than excellent. At "A" level next year, she will be in a class with students aiming at B and C grades as well as those aiming for A and A*. One of her chosen "A" level subjects is taught by a whacky and inspirational teacher who has not achieved good grades for his pupils last year, sadly. The upshot of this is that Waif has been looking around at Sixth Form options. Last week she took the entrance exam for a prestigious central London girls' school, performed well and has been asked for interview on Thursday. I suspect she did outstandingly in the Further Maths paper as she said it asked her for proofs. She had never done a proof before but said that she got them all (!) out. I am not wholly surprised as she is a natural, even though she does not wildly care for the sciences.
Waif still looks to us for guidance and I am not sure whether to steer her away from a school move, or to encourage it...or to let her decide wholly alone. I have tried to lay out some pro's and cons as I see them: classes at Top School will be faster and more inspiring and their Oxbridge results are stunning. On the other hand, she will not have any established friends there, and we agreed it took 6-12 months for her to make good friends at Local School, and she will not be singled out for particular attention in the way she will be at her Local School where the Head is very keen to groom his Oxbridge candidates in order to build up the reputation of the school. Also, if you move at sixth form to a school with an established pupil base (rather than a sixth form college where all are new), you can guarantee you will not be the one picked for prefect, or Head Girl, or Head of Games or cut slack when you are ill as you are an unknown quantity yet to establish your good reputation - she is a complete teacher's dream so very likely to have some of those things at her current school.
And together with all of this, is the anorexia. This she is less willing to discuss. In my mind, academic success will bring her happiness and help her to be stable, but various friends have counselled me that Oxbridge is bad news for anorexics as it is so high pressure. Top School also has its fair share of anorexics.
Waif is up to some of her old tricks: breakfast is now a minimally small bowl of bran flakes and a piece of dry toast. Lunch yesterday was a small bowl of soup and a piece of bread. She SWORE to me that she had eaten cake at Costa and a good supper at a friend's house but sometimes she kids herself. I am working up to getting her on the scales to check my fears. She DOES look thin but then I met a fellow runner yesterday who sees Waif at the gym who reckoned she just looked lanky. I have lost the ability to judge. One thing I am certain of is that she has become defensive and grumpy which I remember all too well from the time 2 years ago that she was rapidly losing weight :-(
In conclusion, the ONLY thing I care about is Waif's wellbeing and happiness. I know these all hinge on her eating properly and maintaining a healthy body. What I am less clear about is whether this will all follow on form academic success (which will make her happy). I am inclined to encourage her to stay at Local School where she is loved and cherished, and to grab the opportunities afforded to her for academic enhancement should she want those. Local School does, after all, have some Oxbridge success.
Dilemmas!
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Bullying
I feel like we are bullying Waif :-(
After a few months of all getting on well, and having a lovely time, we are having tears again at mealtimes. My poor lovely Waif who is always so gentle with me.
My gut instinct is that meal times are NOT a good moment to discuss anorexic issues - how upset we are that Waif has lost weight, how she will be going back to the Maudsley at this rate and how we need to weigh her. I feel that if someone is upset, then the last thing they want to do is eat. Gosh, even"I" didn't feel hungry after listening to that. I reckon firm encouragement is the way to go. H, on the other hand, says that he does not see Waif at any other time and do I expect him to go and find her some other time to talk to her about it (um, yes, actually).
H refused to let Waif take her pudding to eat in front of the TV, even though she was upset and nobody was enjoying the meal. Poor Waif looked distraught. I told her that she should sit at the table as Daddy wanted her to. I then suggested that she just eat half at the table and then take it away elsewhere. Sigh, this does raise issues of conflict - I want to support H on disciplinary and child issues but it is tough when I fundamentally disagree with something that he suddenly comes out with as a diktat. But I recognise that he too is trying to help and I do not have the monopoly on being right.
Still, the main thing is that Waif had a good lunch in the end.
I have not even addressed the issue of disallowing Waif from cycling to school from tomorrow. She is not going to like me at all. I know that she is okay if I drive her to and from school every day, but is adamant she won't be part of a lift share with 2 "smelly" (actually very pleasant and not smelly that I have noticed) boys down the street. I think I will compromise on this one and drive her myself even though a lift share would save me several hours a week. I will have to explain a little to the other mothers as they will think I am very rude driving in without their boys when I am going that way anyway and they both find it difficult to do the school run as they work...... Mind you, the boys are 15 and 17 and there is actually a bus that even Waif is quite happy to catch. I don't want her on the bus though as it requires an extra half hour and I am worried that she might actually be walking to school in that extra time (Near Neighbour said that was what her daughter had been doing under the guise of leaving early to do extra school work).
I wish Waif had not lost weight again..... our lives are all so much happier when she is eating well. Hers especially.
After a few months of all getting on well, and having a lovely time, we are having tears again at mealtimes. My poor lovely Waif who is always so gentle with me.
My gut instinct is that meal times are NOT a good moment to discuss anorexic issues - how upset we are that Waif has lost weight, how she will be going back to the Maudsley at this rate and how we need to weigh her. I feel that if someone is upset, then the last thing they want to do is eat. Gosh, even"I" didn't feel hungry after listening to that. I reckon firm encouragement is the way to go. H, on the other hand, says that he does not see Waif at any other time and do I expect him to go and find her some other time to talk to her about it (um, yes, actually).
H refused to let Waif take her pudding to eat in front of the TV, even though she was upset and nobody was enjoying the meal. Poor Waif looked distraught. I told her that she should sit at the table as Daddy wanted her to. I then suggested that she just eat half at the table and then take it away elsewhere. Sigh, this does raise issues of conflict - I want to support H on disciplinary and child issues but it is tough when I fundamentally disagree with something that he suddenly comes out with as a diktat. But I recognise that he too is trying to help and I do not have the monopoly on being right.
Still, the main thing is that Waif had a good lunch in the end.
I have not even addressed the issue of disallowing Waif from cycling to school from tomorrow. She is not going to like me at all. I know that she is okay if I drive her to and from school every day, but is adamant she won't be part of a lift share with 2 "smelly" (actually very pleasant and not smelly that I have noticed) boys down the street. I think I will compromise on this one and drive her myself even though a lift share would save me several hours a week. I will have to explain a little to the other mothers as they will think I am very rude driving in without their boys when I am going that way anyway and they both find it difficult to do the school run as they work...... Mind you, the boys are 15 and 17 and there is actually a bus that even Waif is quite happy to catch. I don't want her on the bus though as it requires an extra half hour and I am worried that she might actually be walking to school in that extra time (Near Neighbour said that was what her daughter had been doing under the guise of leaving early to do extra school work).
I wish Waif had not lost weight again..... our lives are all so much happier when she is eating well. Hers especially.
Feeling more positive
Waif had a piece of toast for breakfast. I was out walking the dog, and asked H to ensure that Waif ate properly. When I got back, Waif took me off into another room and told me that I had to get Dad off her back. Apparently he had barked at her "What else are you going to have?" I explained that we needed to make sure that she ate enough and we didn't want her getting ill again and that she is much too thin, and H is only concerned for her but that perhaps her father could ask in a different way. I suggested I cook pancakes as Waif had chosen a pancake mix at an upmarket deli last week where H had told each daughter they could spend £5 as they wished.
We did the same. Older Daughter bought sweets, I bought duck liver pate, H bought french finger biscuits that reminded him of his childhood and Waif chose pancake mix. H had tried to dissuade Waif, saying it was very easy to make pancake batter but she had been adamant. Anyway, this morning she said she wanted to "save" the pancake mix.
Older Daughter was cooking a variant on french toast - a luxury version using croissants and caramelised apples.
Waif claimed she didn't like egg. I suggested a banana but the skin had black flecks.
Waif ended up agreeing to eat a small yoghurt. Blimey, this could be a long haul.
I am planning roast pheasant for tonight but Waif has already announced that this is "not her favourite". This could well be code for "will not eat it" so I have a back up lasagne. Does anyone else hate cooking?
We did the same. Older Daughter bought sweets, I bought duck liver pate, H bought french finger biscuits that reminded him of his childhood and Waif chose pancake mix. H had tried to dissuade Waif, saying it was very easy to make pancake batter but she had been adamant. Anyway, this morning she said she wanted to "save" the pancake mix.
Older Daughter was cooking a variant on french toast - a luxury version using croissants and caramelised apples.
Waif ended up agreeing to eat a small yoghurt. Blimey, this could be a long haul.
I am planning roast pheasant for tonight but Waif has already announced that this is "not her favourite". This could well be code for "will not eat it" so I have a back up lasagne. Does anyone else hate cooking?
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Reality Check
We went to a fireworks party tonight and a very good friend of mine (little wave to friend) confirmed to me my worst fears - Waif is looking awfully thin. It has been half term and Waif and I have been spending lots of time at the gym, although, to be fair, she was sitting revising on Tuesday whilst I swam. There again on Sunday she cycled there, ran 7k, then cycled home. Meanwhile she has lots of reasons not to eat - the carrot cake has had the icing smudged, she forgot to have toast for breakfast, she has gone off all the ice creams I have in the freezer etc I have let things slide, I realise. I have handed over control before she is ready. I have been wilfully blind because I DON"T WANT HER TO BE ILL.
Perhaps it is laziness? Watching and controlling each and every meal is a chore, and Waif will cheerfully volunteer to relieve me of the burden but tonight I had a reality check: for the first time, I had a proper conversation with a near neighbour and long time acquaintance whose daughter I knew also has had anorexia for several years. I had drafted Near Neigbbour an email when I first found this out a few months back but never sent it for fear of intruding or upsetting her. But tonight we both ventured onto the topic and it turns out that she knew about Waif and I knew about her 18yo daughter. Her daughter is now attending day treatment at Bethlem and their whole family have been through the mill. Near Neighbour gave me some strong advice that I need to take back control. I need to cancel Waif's gym membership until she is a healthy weight and I need to take her straight back to the Maudsley. She said to make the most of the pre 18 period and even post 18 to pull the strings that we still have - university fees etc will not be paid in the absence of a healthy weight.
I am going to start tonight - Waif is out at fireworks with some lovely school friends. They all met earlier at our house (my hubby and I were out at a different party). I had left lasagne and garlic bread but, on my return, discover it untouched. I expect Waif's friends are starving! Last night, Waif had her boyfriend round and I had left them fillet steaks and chips (well, I had left the chips in the freezer but they are 15 and 16yo so are capable of cooking) and those too had been left untouched. i am 100% certain that BF would have wolfed them down if Waif had offered them. I have put the lasagne in the oven and will be ensuring it is eaten when they all return.
Sigh, I am a pathetic mother because I can't for the life of me remember if Waif is about 47kg, or 37kg. I think it must be 37kg :-( I have wilfully forgotten. I need to check back in this blog and to get her on some scales tomorrow as soon as her friends leave.
I am also going to put my foot down about cycling to school. Waif, despite protestations, and unless she can give me further and better particulars, will have to accept the lift share that is going with 2 neighbours with teenaged sons at the same school as Waif. That way I know she is not walking to school and she can leave 30 mins later than if she were catching the bus so that there is more time for breakfast.
In my opinion, the Maudsley discharged Waif too soon - they bought my husband's insistence that he too was very thin when he was a teenager, and it hadn't done him any harm. I expect he was thin (he was) but this was not from lack of appetite but because he grew rapidly to 6ft 4 at boarding school where food was restricted.
Near Neighbour has been participating in a research project on anorexia and has been told that there is an epigenetic link between pregnancy trauma and anorexia. She, it turns out, was rescued from a burning house at 7 months pregnant. My life has been more mundane but I did indeed go through a trauma of sorts when pregnant with Waif - my husband became worryingly ill (we both suspected a brain tumour) and temporarily lost the ability to talk and was about to resign his job leaving me as the sole breadwinner whereas meanwhile my employer (of whom I was the only full time married woman member of professional staff out of about 60) was disputing my right to maternity leave, pay and customary accommodation and basically told me that they did not want to employ women as my husband should keep me. This sounds trivial but actually I had visions of being unemployed, homeless and with a baby, toddler and disabled husband. Thankfully, everything worked out in the end but there was definitely stress. In fact, at about 7 months pregnant, we did hit a crisis as Hubby was rushed to hospital needing emergency surgery - with me (5ft 2, petite, heavily pregnant) trying to get him (in serious pain and unable to walk unaided), together with a reluctant 2 year old, down the stairs to our flat and to the hospital as quickly as possible - the GP on the phone said I had to go to him so that he could decide whether H needed to go straight to hospital (after one look, he confirmed that H did indeed need to go straight to hospital). The GP said point blank that he did not do home visits. Looking back, I should have called an ambulance. At the hospital, H was given morphine and a bed to lie on, before emergency surgery. I was not offered a chair (it was not really about me at that point), and then collapsed. Anyway, I wonder if there is a connection or whether everyone, if asked, could point to some traumatic event in pregnancy?
Still, the past is the past and all I care about is the future, and getting Waif back on a healthy path. She wil be back in the next half hour so I am off to cook :-)
Perhaps it is laziness? Watching and controlling each and every meal is a chore, and Waif will cheerfully volunteer to relieve me of the burden but tonight I had a reality check: for the first time, I had a proper conversation with a near neighbour and long time acquaintance whose daughter I knew also has had anorexia for several years. I had drafted Near Neigbbour an email when I first found this out a few months back but never sent it for fear of intruding or upsetting her. But tonight we both ventured onto the topic and it turns out that she knew about Waif and I knew about her 18yo daughter. Her daughter is now attending day treatment at Bethlem and their whole family have been through the mill. Near Neighbour gave me some strong advice that I need to take back control. I need to cancel Waif's gym membership until she is a healthy weight and I need to take her straight back to the Maudsley. She said to make the most of the pre 18 period and even post 18 to pull the strings that we still have - university fees etc will not be paid in the absence of a healthy weight.
I am going to start tonight - Waif is out at fireworks with some lovely school friends. They all met earlier at our house (my hubby and I were out at a different party). I had left lasagne and garlic bread but, on my return, discover it untouched. I expect Waif's friends are starving! Last night, Waif had her boyfriend round and I had left them fillet steaks and chips (well, I had left the chips in the freezer but they are 15 and 16yo so are capable of cooking) and those too had been left untouched. i am 100% certain that BF would have wolfed them down if Waif had offered them. I have put the lasagne in the oven and will be ensuring it is eaten when they all return.
Sigh, I am a pathetic mother because I can't for the life of me remember if Waif is about 47kg, or 37kg. I think it must be 37kg :-( I have wilfully forgotten. I need to check back in this blog and to get her on some scales tomorrow as soon as her friends leave.
I am also going to put my foot down about cycling to school. Waif, despite protestations, and unless she can give me further and better particulars, will have to accept the lift share that is going with 2 neighbours with teenaged sons at the same school as Waif. That way I know she is not walking to school and she can leave 30 mins later than if she were catching the bus so that there is more time for breakfast.
In my opinion, the Maudsley discharged Waif too soon - they bought my husband's insistence that he too was very thin when he was a teenager, and it hadn't done him any harm. I expect he was thin (he was) but this was not from lack of appetite but because he grew rapidly to 6ft 4 at boarding school where food was restricted.
Near Neighbour has been participating in a research project on anorexia and has been told that there is an epigenetic link between pregnancy trauma and anorexia. She, it turns out, was rescued from a burning house at 7 months pregnant. My life has been more mundane but I did indeed go through a trauma of sorts when pregnant with Waif - my husband became worryingly ill (we both suspected a brain tumour) and temporarily lost the ability to talk and was about to resign his job leaving me as the sole breadwinner whereas meanwhile my employer (of whom I was the only full time married woman member of professional staff out of about 60) was disputing my right to maternity leave, pay and customary accommodation and basically told me that they did not want to employ women as my husband should keep me. This sounds trivial but actually I had visions of being unemployed, homeless and with a baby, toddler and disabled husband. Thankfully, everything worked out in the end but there was definitely stress. In fact, at about 7 months pregnant, we did hit a crisis as Hubby was rushed to hospital needing emergency surgery - with me (5ft 2, petite, heavily pregnant) trying to get him (in serious pain and unable to walk unaided), together with a reluctant 2 year old, down the stairs to our flat and to the hospital as quickly as possible - the GP on the phone said I had to go to him so that he could decide whether H needed to go straight to hospital (after one look, he confirmed that H did indeed need to go straight to hospital). The GP said point blank that he did not do home visits. Looking back, I should have called an ambulance. At the hospital, H was given morphine and a bed to lie on, before emergency surgery. I was not offered a chair (it was not really about me at that point), and then collapsed. Anyway, I wonder if there is a connection or whether everyone, if asked, could point to some traumatic event in pregnancy?
Still, the past is the past and all I care about is the future, and getting Waif back on a healthy path. She wil be back in the next half hour so I am off to cook :-)
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
First Recovery Breakfast
I didn't get much chance to talk to Waif last night as she was out with her boyfriend until about 7.30pm. I had supper ready - lightly dusted and fried lemon sole, ratatouille and some new boiled potatoes (not the most calorific meal, I admit, but I was going to insist on pudding and had planned it and shopped for it before taking in the news that Waif needed feeding up again). But Waif claimed to have already eaten a pizza and a pudding out at Pizza Express with BF. She agreed nonetheless to eat a small piece of fish and ratatouille. BF incidentally is stick thin but that is probably because he has used all his energy growing to 6ft 4 in the last couple of years.
This morning, Waif happily ate 2 fishfingers in 2 pieces of wholemeal bread. I said that she ought to have something else too - cereal, say, but she said that I needed to give her time to adjust as she was very full. That seems reasonable but I will be making her have a hot chocolate (well, strongly encouraging) when she gets in from school even though for the last few months she has said that she no longer likes them.
Ho hum, the dog was happy: he got the spare 2 extra fishfingers I had cooked.
I feel bad that I had not noticed, or had willfully ignored, Waif's weight loss and had to have it pointed out to me by a shocked Older Daughter. I suppose one just gets used to things and I have become used to Waif being too thin. She is actually only now about the weight she was aged 11 or 12 before she first lost weight, and was about 15cm smaller. She was a perfect weight back then, but now needs to be aiming at 55kg. I would settle for 51kg frankly (8 stone).
Sigh, I guess it is in the same way that we are all now used to Waif's great aunt having been (unfairly) sentenced to life for murder earlier this year. Now there's a throw away line and a whole new blog.....
This morning, Waif happily ate 2 fishfingers in 2 pieces of wholemeal bread. I said that she ought to have something else too - cereal, say, but she said that I needed to give her time to adjust as she was very full. That seems reasonable but I will be making her have a hot chocolate (well, strongly encouraging) when she gets in from school even though for the last few months she has said that she no longer likes them.
Ho hum, the dog was happy: he got the spare 2 extra fishfingers I had cooked.
I feel bad that I had not noticed, or had willfully ignored, Waif's weight loss and had to have it pointed out to me by a shocked Older Daughter. I suppose one just gets used to things and I have become used to Waif being too thin. She is actually only now about the weight she was aged 11 or 12 before she first lost weight, and was about 15cm smaller. She was a perfect weight back then, but now needs to be aiming at 55kg. I would settle for 51kg frankly (8 stone).
Sigh, I guess it is in the same way that we are all now used to Waif's great aunt having been (unfairly) sentenced to life for murder earlier this year. Now there's a throw away line and a whole new blog.....
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Advice from The Maudsley Hospital
I spoke to Waif's psych. Apparently Waif was over 49kg when discharged in July so has lost nearly 3kg since then. Hmmm...that would seem quite good going even for someone on a diet and def not acceptable for someone who is supposed to be trying to gain weight still. The Psych said to talk to Waif and lay the cards on the table: she has lost weight and needs to regain it. If she doesn't do that in a month then we will be going back to hospital visits. I really, really, really hope that does the trick. I am suddenly frightened again - what if she loses more weight between now and then? She is in dangerous territory.
Waif went ton the new Westfield Stratford (aka Eastfield) at the weekend and bought loads of lovely clothes. I will have to repay her when --if-- she grows out of them otherwise that will be too much of a disincentive.
Waif went ton the new Westfield Stratford (aka Eastfield) at the weekend and bought loads of lovely clothes. I will have to repay her when --if-- she grows out of them otherwise that will be too much of a disincentive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
