Waif spent at least 12 hours over the holidays annotating Henry V which she is studying for GCSE and on which she has a module (her first) in October. She did this off her own bat. She knows that she is not allowed to take an annotated copy into the exam so she also has an unannotated copy.
In her last English lesson, Waif's english teacher saw that someone was without a copy of her play whilst organised Waif was in possession of two, and so she told Waif to lend hers to this other girl.
Fast forward to today wherein Ms English has Waif's annotated script at the front of the class with her and again sees another child without a book.
"Waif" she said imperiously "Sasha can have your book, can't she, as you have two?" Waif is shy and felt unable to say no. All lesson, Sasha was reminding the teacher to give her the book but the teacher was not organised enough to do so and at the end of the lesson told Sasha to come at break for it. This, I remind you, Dear Reader, is Waif's very own copy ordered and paid for by moi in the holidays and slaved over by Waif.
Sasha forgot to go to the english office in break but Waif did not. Ms English was there but casually said that she could no longer find the book - "I had it earlier" she breezed.
Obviously, Waif is fairly distraught. I know it shouldn't, but this episode has tainted her whole day. Actually, maybe it should - I would be upset if I had devoted 2 or 3 days of my holiday to some noting and somebody else took and then lost it.
I fought the habits of a lifetime and phoned Ms English. I explained that this book was Waif's and that she had invested a lot of time and effort into annotating it. "Oh," she said "well that's okay then as we will be working through it this term and she isn't allowed to take an annotated copy into the exam so it doesn't matter anyway."
"That is why she has two copies; so she can annotate one and use the other in the examination" I spluttered .
"I will" I said, uncharacteristically icily "be most disappointed if she does not have it back within a week."
Am I overprotective? Am I the only one to think that sometimes teachers do not treat children like human beings?
Waif wants me to see if she can move English classes. Ms English did not endear herself to Waif in Lesson 1 of term when she declared that she found Henry V immensely dull. That is not an inspiring start.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Monday, 6 September 2010
prison visiting
Waif, Hubby and I went to visit our incarcerated relative yesterday, she who allegedly murdered another relative.
We have never been in a prison before. After our fingerprints were scanned in and passports checked, it was surprisingly normal. The room where we met was very like a school gym but with some strange rules, like we couldn't stand up until our prisoner had left the room, and she couldn't take off her cardigan without permission. Her coffee mug was a different colour from ours so that we could not spit something into a drink and then swap it with her.
We talked about prison life, deciding that she was probably the only one there who had attended a finishing school on the continent. She seemed to be a bit of a celebrity amongst the warders who identified us immediately as her relatives and all seemed cheerful and polite.
Sigh, it's still no fun being in prison, though. She is locked in her cell for 14 hours a night and whilst it is a single cell and she has a tv (DVD player comes with good behaviour later), it also has a smelly toilet which can't be cleaned as the prisoners are not trusted with bleach. There is a lot of self harm too which must be exhausting emotionally. The other day she opened the door to her friend's cell to find her there with a plastic bag over her head :-(
Waif sat mainly listening. I am not sure what she thought about the whole thing, but it must have some effect. Hubby reckons this whole episode is something we shouldn't mention at the Maudsley as it is irrelevant but I think perhaps it is not chance that Waif comes from a family where issues such as domestic abuse are around but not spoken of. Hubby's words of advice to Older Daughter on departing for boarding school - his distilled wisdom from years at public school - was "don't tell tales." Even he admits that his family are not good communicators.
We had an eventful day yesterday actually as on the way to the prison we stopped for a walk and a picnic in Richmond Park. It is beautiful there and reminds me of my childhood. We saw a heart engraved into a tree with Stephen 4 Brenda 10.9.78 carved in its middle. I searched my mind for a Brenda but couldn't think of one. I wondered if I might see my own name anywhere (obviously, I didn't). Anyway, after the idyll that was a sandwich in the dappled shade, overlooking herds of deer, dog calmly lying next to us, we saw a poor woman tumble off her bike. She was in her fifties or sixties and had been carrying a plastic bag over her front handlebar and it had entangled with the wheel. She went straight over the top and landed awkwardly. Luckily, the car behind her stopped in time and did not compound the injuries.
She was briefly knocked out and was nursing a possible broken shoulder and wrist (or so it seemed to my inexpert eye) so we shepherded traffic away from her and summoned an ambulance. Luckily a paramedic soon arrived to take over followed slightly later by the ambulance.
After we left, I pointed out to Waif that Fran might have avoided her head injury had she been wearing a helmet. Currently, Waif refuses to wear a helmet on her cycle to school. Waif countered by telling me to look at the stats and to see that she is less likely to have an accident if she is NOT wearing a helmet.
Sigh, I tried the emotional blackmail "Well, do it for my sake. Think how awful I would feel if you were to fall off and hit your head and I knew I had not made you wear a helmet". She came straight back with "Imagine how I would feel if you fell off and hurt yourself and I knew you didn't even need to come with me".
I reckon I lost that argument! It's tricky as a parent to strike the right balance between benevolent adviser and benevolent dictator. On the whole I respect autonomy and have always encouraged my daughters to make their own decisions so this whole Maudsley method (parents take control over meals) has been quite strange for me. It seems to have worked though, even if I suspect that we have been less rigid in meal plans than is often the case.
I am going to try to see the psychiatrist alone for 10 minutes before Waif's next visit to ask a couple of questions about our family life that I don't want to ask in front of Waif. I hope that is acceptable....we have only ever had family appointments. Personally, I think it would be good if Waif could also have some time alone with the psych because teenagers often have issues they don't want to share with their parents.
Ho hum, 16 September is our next appointment. Yikes, I realise that we have been failing to weigh Waif weekly - she is starting to look so much healthier that I guess I haven't wanted to upset the applecart but I know I should do this and will tackle her tonight after school and suggest we get a number down.
We have never been in a prison before. After our fingerprints were scanned in and passports checked, it was surprisingly normal. The room where we met was very like a school gym but with some strange rules, like we couldn't stand up until our prisoner had left the room, and she couldn't take off her cardigan without permission. Her coffee mug was a different colour from ours so that we could not spit something into a drink and then swap it with her.
We talked about prison life, deciding that she was probably the only one there who had attended a finishing school on the continent. She seemed to be a bit of a celebrity amongst the warders who identified us immediately as her relatives and all seemed cheerful and polite.
Sigh, it's still no fun being in prison, though. She is locked in her cell for 14 hours a night and whilst it is a single cell and she has a tv (DVD player comes with good behaviour later), it also has a smelly toilet which can't be cleaned as the prisoners are not trusted with bleach. There is a lot of self harm too which must be exhausting emotionally. The other day she opened the door to her friend's cell to find her there with a plastic bag over her head :-(
Waif sat mainly listening. I am not sure what she thought about the whole thing, but it must have some effect. Hubby reckons this whole episode is something we shouldn't mention at the Maudsley as it is irrelevant but I think perhaps it is not chance that Waif comes from a family where issues such as domestic abuse are around but not spoken of. Hubby's words of advice to Older Daughter on departing for boarding school - his distilled wisdom from years at public school - was "don't tell tales." Even he admits that his family are not good communicators.
We had an eventful day yesterday actually as on the way to the prison we stopped for a walk and a picnic in Richmond Park. It is beautiful there and reminds me of my childhood. We saw a heart engraved into a tree with Stephen 4 Brenda 10.9.78 carved in its middle. I searched my mind for a Brenda but couldn't think of one. I wondered if I might see my own name anywhere (obviously, I didn't). Anyway, after the idyll that was a sandwich in the dappled shade, overlooking herds of deer, dog calmly lying next to us, we saw a poor woman tumble off her bike. She was in her fifties or sixties and had been carrying a plastic bag over her front handlebar and it had entangled with the wheel. She went straight over the top and landed awkwardly. Luckily, the car behind her stopped in time and did not compound the injuries.
She was briefly knocked out and was nursing a possible broken shoulder and wrist (or so it seemed to my inexpert eye) so we shepherded traffic away from her and summoned an ambulance. Luckily a paramedic soon arrived to take over followed slightly later by the ambulance.
After we left, I pointed out to Waif that Fran might have avoided her head injury had she been wearing a helmet. Currently, Waif refuses to wear a helmet on her cycle to school. Waif countered by telling me to look at the stats and to see that she is less likely to have an accident if she is NOT wearing a helmet.
Sigh, I tried the emotional blackmail "Well, do it for my sake. Think how awful I would feel if you were to fall off and hit your head and I knew I had not made you wear a helmet". She came straight back with "Imagine how I would feel if you fell off and hurt yourself and I knew you didn't even need to come with me".
I reckon I lost that argument! It's tricky as a parent to strike the right balance between benevolent adviser and benevolent dictator. On the whole I respect autonomy and have always encouraged my daughters to make their own decisions so this whole Maudsley method (parents take control over meals) has been quite strange for me. It seems to have worked though, even if I suspect that we have been less rigid in meal plans than is often the case.
I am going to try to see the psychiatrist alone for 10 minutes before Waif's next visit to ask a couple of questions about our family life that I don't want to ask in front of Waif. I hope that is acceptable....we have only ever had family appointments. Personally, I think it would be good if Waif could also have some time alone with the psych because teenagers often have issues they don't want to share with their parents.
Ho hum, 16 September is our next appointment. Yikes, I realise that we have been failing to weigh Waif weekly - she is starting to look so much healthier that I guess I haven't wanted to upset the applecart but I know I should do this and will tackle her tonight after school and suggest we get a number down.
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Back to school
Waif started term today with a seemingly light heart :-) She is starting her GCSE courses and also wants extra curricular art, piano and tennis lessons. I am concerned to see that she does not overextend herself so we are playing it by ear. So far, I have arranged for art lessons after school on a Monday (with a lovely lady who just had a picture in the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition so clearly has talent but, more importantly, she is a very gently spoken, encouraging, calm woman with just grown daughters of her own). Piano lessons are to be on Fridays. I am holding out on tennis, with a promise of the odd lesson at weekends if she has the energy.
Waif woke up with a jolt in the night last week (yes, she is back in our bed) saying "I can't do as well as my sister in GCSE's because I am only taking 9". Sigh, I wish she didn't feel that she was in such direct competition with Older Daughter because they are so different and both so talented. I can't help thinking that her ED began as a competitive thing with OD as OD, being 2 years older, grew first and attracted attention that Waif was not yet getting. Now she herself has grown and filled out a little, Waif gets plenty of wolf whistles and admiring glances. Cycling with her is a completely different experience from doing it on my own - all the van drivers merrily allow us plenty of space and time to change lanes, turn right etc and all with cheery waves :-) Oh to be young! Anyway, it turned out today that her englishes will constitute 2 GCSEs and her maths also (maths and further maths) so in fact she is taking 11 GCSEs. That seems like more than enough but I still hope that she is not going to work herself into the ground for a string of top grades.
Waif woke up with a jolt in the night last week (yes, she is back in our bed) saying "I can't do as well as my sister in GCSE's because I am only taking 9". Sigh, I wish she didn't feel that she was in such direct competition with Older Daughter because they are so different and both so talented. I can't help thinking that her ED began as a competitive thing with OD as OD, being 2 years older, grew first and attracted attention that Waif was not yet getting. Now she herself has grown and filled out a little, Waif gets plenty of wolf whistles and admiring glances. Cycling with her is a completely different experience from doing it on my own - all the van drivers merrily allow us plenty of space and time to change lanes, turn right etc and all with cheery waves :-) Oh to be young! Anyway, it turned out today that her englishes will constitute 2 GCSEs and her maths also (maths and further maths) so in fact she is taking 11 GCSEs. That seems like more than enough but I still hope that she is not going to work herself into the ground for a string of top grades.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!
Waif has now had her birthday, although not yet a party as many of her friends are away. I will have to change the blurb on the side bar about rescuing my fading 13 year old daughter, to something more optimistic about my healthier looking, beautiful 14 year old.
We have been away to the Italian lakes to stay in a beautiful complex with tennis and a pool. Lots of swimming and reading was done.
Eating on holiday is always tricky. Waif seemed to be back to her old habits of making excuses: she didn't like the fishfingers we found in an Italian supermarket even though they were still Bird's Eye, she didn't like their style of bread etc I had thought it would be easy as pasta is her favourite food and obviously good quality ice cream is a cinch.
She did look thinner on her return last week but she gaily announced to me that she had weighed herself and was still at 44kg (fully clothed), which is 97lbs, or just 1 lb off 7 stone. 7 stone would be a nice place to be even if still underweight :-) I suspect the reason she looks thinner (which, yes, I am working on now we are home) is that she has grown like topsy. She is now taller than I am in my heels. I take this as a sign that she is getting good enough nutrition.
Older Daughter has achieved a string of A* grades (9 of them) at GCSE which is fabulous but sets a very high bar for Waif who always seems to feel in competition with her sister. I need to make sure that she does not overwork. - she is taking her first GCSE next June (at the age of 14) and is sitting her first english module (Henry V) in October. Hmmm.... my husband piled on more pressure by announcing that A's today are the equivalent of C's in our day. Actually, I reckon this generation of teens work much harder than we ever did.
We have also had stress in the way of a family tragedy - a murder (alleged) by and of a reasonably close family member. I realise this is quite dramatic news and don't want to go into details but suffice it to say that Waif is back in bed with us. We are NOT that kind of family but there were obviously things going on about which we knew only the tip of the iceberg. This will linger on until and after trial in 6 months time and see dark family secrets spread over the newspapers come the Spring. Perhaps we are not the perfect family I thought we were.
On the way home from Lake Garda, at Stansted Airport, we passed the thinnest girl I have ever seen. Her thighs were like bare bones :-( My heart went out to her and her family and couldn't help thinking that she was not going to live long unless she got some serious help. It is selfish, but I am thankful that it was not us with her ie Waif that was that thin. Although some readers have the impression that I am casual about the Maudsley and about recovery, I can assure you that I am not. If I were allowed only one wish in the whole of my life it would be to make Waif better and I know that the Maudsley is the best place for it, and indeed it seems to be working. Waif has been slow but steady in recovery and yet is 7kg heavier than this time last year which is the difference between life threateningly ill and "too thin". In some ways, slow recovery seems to me to be logical as Waif will not have to make dramatic alterations to her diet when she gets to her goal weight. She will just eliminate the between meals chocolate bars and late night ice cream and be left with a healthy, robust diet.
On a completely separate note, I am due back to work next week but have not even spoken to my employers (blush). I had a vivid dream the other night that I set up a charity helping anorexic girls and was giving talks in schools and had at last found something worthwhile to do. Waif is keen for me to teach at her school...not sure that would be wise, although it would certainly be convenient.
Pictures later.
We have been away to the Italian lakes to stay in a beautiful complex with tennis and a pool. Lots of swimming and reading was done.
Eating on holiday is always tricky. Waif seemed to be back to her old habits of making excuses: she didn't like the fishfingers we found in an Italian supermarket even though they were still Bird's Eye, she didn't like their style of bread etc I had thought it would be easy as pasta is her favourite food and obviously good quality ice cream is a cinch.
She did look thinner on her return last week but she gaily announced to me that she had weighed herself and was still at 44kg (fully clothed), which is 97lbs, or just 1 lb off 7 stone. 7 stone would be a nice place to be even if still underweight :-) I suspect the reason she looks thinner (which, yes, I am working on now we are home) is that she has grown like topsy. She is now taller than I am in my heels. I take this as a sign that she is getting good enough nutrition.
Older Daughter has achieved a string of A* grades (9 of them) at GCSE which is fabulous but sets a very high bar for Waif who always seems to feel in competition with her sister. I need to make sure that she does not overwork. - she is taking her first GCSE next June (at the age of 14) and is sitting her first english module (Henry V) in October. Hmmm.... my husband piled on more pressure by announcing that A's today are the equivalent of C's in our day. Actually, I reckon this generation of teens work much harder than we ever did.
We have also had stress in the way of a family tragedy - a murder (alleged) by and of a reasonably close family member. I realise this is quite dramatic news and don't want to go into details but suffice it to say that Waif is back in bed with us. We are NOT that kind of family but there were obviously things going on about which we knew only the tip of the iceberg. This will linger on until and after trial in 6 months time and see dark family secrets spread over the newspapers come the Spring. Perhaps we are not the perfect family I thought we were.
On the way home from Lake Garda, at Stansted Airport, we passed the thinnest girl I have ever seen. Her thighs were like bare bones :-( My heart went out to her and her family and couldn't help thinking that she was not going to live long unless she got some serious help. It is selfish, but I am thankful that it was not us with her ie Waif that was that thin. Although some readers have the impression that I am casual about the Maudsley and about recovery, I can assure you that I am not. If I were allowed only one wish in the whole of my life it would be to make Waif better and I know that the Maudsley is the best place for it, and indeed it seems to be working. Waif has been slow but steady in recovery and yet is 7kg heavier than this time last year which is the difference between life threateningly ill and "too thin". In some ways, slow recovery seems to me to be logical as Waif will not have to make dramatic alterations to her diet when she gets to her goal weight. She will just eliminate the between meals chocolate bars and late night ice cream and be left with a healthy, robust diet.
On a completely separate note, I am due back to work next week but have not even spoken to my employers (blush). I had a vivid dream the other night that I set up a charity helping anorexic girls and was giving talks in schools and had at last found something worthwhile to do. Waif is keen for me to teach at her school...not sure that would be wise, although it would certainly be convenient.
Pictures later.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
43.4kg
We have the metrics from the Maudsley. Waif has grown a cm and lost 0.3kg but the psych was reassuring about that saying it would be two steps forward, one step back and the graph is going in the right direction. She also said that growing uses up lots of energy so some weight loss is not surprising, although it means our target is going up.
She gave us the choice of the last week in August, or the third week in September for our next appointment. We are being brave about going it alone and plumped for the end of September.
Waif was in tears at the appointment as I knew she would be, at the weight loss because she feels she has given it her best. I know she has, and now she is home I know she will put on more weight.
The psych caught me on the hop by asking what meals I cook.
Sigh, I am not very imaginative. We generally have McDonalds on a Monday (fishburgers), salmon on a Tuesday as it is delivered that day, some sort of chicken the next day - usually roasted with some lemon and garlic or in a creamy sauce or as fajitas ( I don't eat meat so have refried beans in my fajitas), some sort of vegetarian dish on a Thursday like Thai noodles, cheese and tomato toasties or pasta pesto, then some kind of red meat on Friday (? bolognaise, lasagne, steak, sausages). Then there will be a curry on Saturday night and a roast on Sunday.
I can see I should expand my repertoire! It will be easier in September with Older Daughter away as she is the one who dislikes rice and pasta so we will be able to have dishes like risotto and ravioli.
Apart from whether Waif has put on weight or not, we do not seem to discuss much at the Maudsley. It seems to work on the weightwatchers principle alone. There again, Waif has no obvious OCD tendencies, trauma or underlying depression so I am not sure what else they could work on. I guess I don't care HOW it works, I just care THAT it works.
Hmmmm... I do appreciate how very lucky we are that the world leading centre, the Maudsley Hospital, is on our doorstep and available to us for free. I can't imagine how I would have tackled September to December 2009 without that crutch as I had faith in them. I know I would always have fought for the best possible provision for Waif, and did stuff at home too (taking a break from work, moving her to a new school) but I am lucky that te best treatment landed on our laps so easily. I am glad we didn't go for the private route (we have insurance and so could have chosen this) which would have involved in patient treatment at The Priory. Being an inpatient, whilst sometimes vital, sounds miserable and life altering, without being wildly effective long term. Whilst Waif has spent considerably longer putting on her weight (goodness, 10 months to put on 7kg), she is now in good eating habits and I am fairly confident that she will not relapse in the near future - whilst she is still at home, that is.
She gave us the choice of the last week in August, or the third week in September for our next appointment. We are being brave about going it alone and plumped for the end of September.
Waif was in tears at the appointment as I knew she would be, at the weight loss because she feels she has given it her best. I know she has, and now she is home I know she will put on more weight.
The psych caught me on the hop by asking what meals I cook.
Sigh, I am not very imaginative. We generally have McDonalds on a Monday (fishburgers), salmon on a Tuesday as it is delivered that day, some sort of chicken the next day - usually roasted with some lemon and garlic or in a creamy sauce or as fajitas ( I don't eat meat so have refried beans in my fajitas), some sort of vegetarian dish on a Thursday like Thai noodles, cheese and tomato toasties or pasta pesto, then some kind of red meat on Friday (? bolognaise, lasagne, steak, sausages). Then there will be a curry on Saturday night and a roast on Sunday.
I can see I should expand my repertoire! It will be easier in September with Older Daughter away as she is the one who dislikes rice and pasta so we will be able to have dishes like risotto and ravioli.
Apart from whether Waif has put on weight or not, we do not seem to discuss much at the Maudsley. It seems to work on the weightwatchers principle alone. There again, Waif has no obvious OCD tendencies, trauma or underlying depression so I am not sure what else they could work on. I guess I don't care HOW it works, I just care THAT it works.
Hmmmm... I do appreciate how very lucky we are that the world leading centre, the Maudsley Hospital, is on our doorstep and available to us for free. I can't imagine how I would have tackled September to December 2009 without that crutch as I had faith in them. I know I would always have fought for the best possible provision for Waif, and did stuff at home too (taking a break from work, moving her to a new school) but I am lucky that te best treatment landed on our laps so easily. I am glad we didn't go for the private route (we have insurance and so could have chosen this) which would have involved in patient treatment at The Priory. Being an inpatient, whilst sometimes vital, sounds miserable and life altering, without being wildly effective long term. Whilst Waif has spent considerably longer putting on her weight (goodness, 10 months to put on 7kg), she is now in good eating habits and I am fairly confident that she will not relapse in the near future - whilst she is still at home, that is.
Maudsley again
We are off to the Maudsley again this afternoon. Just Waif and me - my husband is working and Older Daughter is on a course.
Waif's goal was 46kg but she weighted herself yesterday and was 43.5kg so we are going to miss that target by some margin unfortunately which Waif will find hard.
I appreciate my commentators telling me to treat this seriously. I can assure you that I do! I have given up a year of work to devote myself to making Waif well and it dominates my day, every day.
On the other hand, I also feel that for long term recovery, and for her own mental health, Waif needs to have a life OUTSIDE and APART from anorexia. I want that side of her life to grow and the ED part to shrivel. Waif's weight loss in France was, she says, not due to her not eating everything she was offered. She blames it on her need for SO many calories to maintain her weight and she did not have access to the limitless chocolate bars we now have at home (I try to remind myself that teeth are secondary to survival).
The whole experience was part of Waif's non ED life: she saw how other families live ( including 5 hours of dictee and other school work on weekdays throughout the Summer!) and improved her ability to mix with others - negotiating with the cousins where she was not given the special privileges accorded to her at home owing to her status as "not well" and "not to be upset" - and improved her French.
So, it was a difficult call, but all in all the French Exchange was a worthwhile interlude. I am NOT saying that her weight loss was acceptable BTW and she will not be going on the Christmas Ski Trip unless she is 48kg by then.
We saw an incredibly thin girl walking in the park today. Waif and I both agreed that she looked really dreadful - skin and bones, poor girl.
"I am not that thin" said Waif, slightly tentatively. And indeed she is not.
"No" I agreed "but you were honestly like that at Christmas when we were all so very worried about you. You look so much healthier and more beautiful now."
She does.
Her skin now has back its youthful glow and the mottled purple veins on her thighs and arms have disappeared. I hope she too looks back at photos of when she was skeletal with horror and not with nostalgia.
In fact, this morning someone in a shop suggested that Waif takes up modelling. Hmmm.... whilst I am aware that any connection with the model industry would be disastrous for anyone with ED, I am using this as an aid. Waif knows that she would need to be a good 4 inches taller than she is now to be a model, and she knows she must eat to grow. Short term, therefore, perhaps I can use this to my advantage.
We went to my in-laws earlier this week and Waif's grandparents reckon she looks fine now. Hmmmmm..... at 43.5kg I think she is JUST still in the anorexic range and without doubt underweight. They were trying to be kind and friendly but I am worried that they can believe that Waif is currently an acceptable size. I had to explain to them that long term recovery is strongly linked to reaching a proper 100% target weight which they no doubt would consider fat but that Anorexia has a 25% death rate and that all I care about is Waif being healthy not, in their opinion, slim. Their judgment is very difficult to cope with.
Waif's Grandpa you might think to be slim himself but he is not! He has always been very tubby. He just believes that girls should be tiny. He looked very shocked when I said that Waif needs to put on another 5kg before we go to maintenance. Waif's Grandmother seemed to take that on board a little and plied Waif with chocolate brownies when she went out for surfing lessons in the afternoons. Also, to be fair, her Grandpa cooked her steak and chips with Bearnaise sauce (all home made). Yum.
2 hours to go........
Waif's goal was 46kg but she weighted herself yesterday and was 43.5kg so we are going to miss that target by some margin unfortunately which Waif will find hard.
I appreciate my commentators telling me to treat this seriously. I can assure you that I do! I have given up a year of work to devote myself to making Waif well and it dominates my day, every day.
On the other hand, I also feel that for long term recovery, and for her own mental health, Waif needs to have a life OUTSIDE and APART from anorexia. I want that side of her life to grow and the ED part to shrivel. Waif's weight loss in France was, she says, not due to her not eating everything she was offered. She blames it on her need for SO many calories to maintain her weight and she did not have access to the limitless chocolate bars we now have at home (I try to remind myself that teeth are secondary to survival).
The whole experience was part of Waif's non ED life: she saw how other families live ( including 5 hours of dictee and other school work on weekdays throughout the Summer!) and improved her ability to mix with others - negotiating with the cousins where she was not given the special privileges accorded to her at home owing to her status as "not well" and "not to be upset" - and improved her French.
So, it was a difficult call, but all in all the French Exchange was a worthwhile interlude. I am NOT saying that her weight loss was acceptable BTW and she will not be going on the Christmas Ski Trip unless she is 48kg by then.
We saw an incredibly thin girl walking in the park today. Waif and I both agreed that she looked really dreadful - skin and bones, poor girl.
"I am not that thin" said Waif, slightly tentatively. And indeed she is not.
"No" I agreed "but you were honestly like that at Christmas when we were all so very worried about you. You look so much healthier and more beautiful now."
She does.
Her skin now has back its youthful glow and the mottled purple veins on her thighs and arms have disappeared. I hope she too looks back at photos of when she was skeletal with horror and not with nostalgia.
In fact, this morning someone in a shop suggested that Waif takes up modelling. Hmmm.... whilst I am aware that any connection with the model industry would be disastrous for anyone with ED, I am using this as an aid. Waif knows that she would need to be a good 4 inches taller than she is now to be a model, and she knows she must eat to grow. Short term, therefore, perhaps I can use this to my advantage.
We went to my in-laws earlier this week and Waif's grandparents reckon she looks fine now. Hmmmmm..... at 43.5kg I think she is JUST still in the anorexic range and without doubt underweight. They were trying to be kind and friendly but I am worried that they can believe that Waif is currently an acceptable size. I had to explain to them that long term recovery is strongly linked to reaching a proper 100% target weight which they no doubt would consider fat but that Anorexia has a 25% death rate and that all I care about is Waif being healthy not, in their opinion, slim. Their judgment is very difficult to cope with.
Waif's Grandpa you might think to be slim himself but he is not! He has always been very tubby. He just believes that girls should be tiny. He looked very shocked when I said that Waif needs to put on another 5kg before we go to maintenance. Waif's Grandmother seemed to take that on board a little and plied Waif with chocolate brownies when she went out for surfing lessons in the afternoons. Also, to be fair, her Grandpa cooked her steak and chips with Bearnaise sauce (all home made). Yum.
2 hours to go........
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Home from France
Waif is home! I am sooooooo proud of her adventures. Given that she was so trepidatious about going, the fact she lasted the whole trip is fabulous and in no small part due to the kindness of her host family - not to mention their 4 splendid homes around France: Parisian townhouse, country house near Versailles and then their chateau and pool in the South. All the cousins were staying with their grandparents so there were 8 of them ranging from 4 years old up to 18. Waif at nearly 14 fitted in fine :-)
She is looking definitely thinner (and browner) than when she left, but immediately on arrival at Gatwick, she wanted to go straight to Marks and Spencer to buy herself a sandwich and a piece of cake. Probably for my benefit :-) but very sweet of her. She said she had found it difficult that she could not help herself to ice creams and chocolate bars during the day and that that was why she had lost weight.
Her next appointment at the Maudsley is 5 August so we have to make sure to top Waif up again if she is not to have a miserable visit. It also makes me realise that, if she were older, Waif would not be ready for 6th form boarding or for residential university. We still have a way to go.
Whilst Waif was away, and OD elsewhere, I stayed at Champneys :-) and eating, running and relaxing. These are the views from my room:
It was incredibly peaceful and enjoyable, but I am glad my girls are home now.
We are off to Devon today for a few days to see grandparents and then home for Waif's 14th birthday (yikes, I need to buy her present) and then away to Lake Garda for 10 days. Our lives are so perfect, we just need Waif to be a proper size to complete the picture.
She is looking definitely thinner (and browner) than when she left, but immediately on arrival at Gatwick, she wanted to go straight to Marks and Spencer to buy herself a sandwich and a piece of cake. Probably for my benefit :-) but very sweet of her. She said she had found it difficult that she could not help herself to ice creams and chocolate bars during the day and that that was why she had lost weight.
Her next appointment at the Maudsley is 5 August so we have to make sure to top Waif up again if she is not to have a miserable visit. It also makes me realise that, if she were older, Waif would not be ready for 6th form boarding or for residential university. We still have a way to go.
Whilst Waif was away, and OD elsewhere, I stayed at Champneys :-) and eating, running and relaxing. These are the views from my room:
It was incredibly peaceful and enjoyable, but I am glad my girls are home now.
We are off to Devon today for a few days to see grandparents and then home for Waif's 14th birthday (yikes, I need to buy her present) and then away to Lake Garda for 10 days. Our lives are so perfect, we just need Waif to be a proper size to complete the picture.
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