Well, that went well :-)
Waif has put on 0.9kg in a fortnight. The psych is pleased that Waif has hit puberty and said that was a very good sign. She said that 47kg is a magical figure at which periods start and that Waif must indeed be naturally a very slim build as her hormones kicked in below that. She said that, in view of the fact that Waif is naturally skinny (like the rest of the family) she would be content to see Waif at 95% of her healthy weight. I have mixed emotions about this ...partly, I am grateful as I don't think Waif would be happy to be 100% and would consider herself chubby and that could trigger renewed dieting, but partly I am worried as all I have read indicates that the goal weight achieved and aimed at is very important to long term recovery as the sufferer tends to see it as a MAXIMUM never to be exceeded rather than a median point to oscillate around.
So, we asked the obvious question as to what 95% weight for age/height would be for Waif. We were told that, very roughly, you take 110 off someone's height in cm, and that gives you their ideal weight in kg. So, Waif is 165cm which gives about 55kg. Of course, her target figure is actually a bit less as she is only 14 and we are not going for 100% In fact her 95% goal turns out to be 51.5kg, rising to 54.2kg if she grows another 3 cm.
The psych is keen to discharge Waif within 6 months (with follow ups thereafter) and our next appointment is not to be for another 8 weeks. Bliss.
Ok, confession: Waif and I were each asked to fill in a questionnaire. We both did so and I asked Waif whether she wanted to take them back to reception. She said she wanted me to do that. Reader, I am only human and sneaked a quick look at Waif's answers. She had put that generally the psych understood her and asked the right questions and that she never felt inhibited by having her parents in attendance. I hope she is being honest as that is good news,but you never can tell with Waif as she always wants to please and could well have answered "as expected" rather than truthfully.
On balance, Waif appears to be enjoying life and all it has to offer. She is also eating regularly and sufficiently. I couldn't be happier if I had won the lottery.
Friday, 4 February 2011
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Growing Up
Waif has become a woman this week at the age of 14 and a half....it must be a sign that her body has enough nutrition on board to still mature which I take as a positive sign that she is not currently damaging herself by her lack of weight (or not too much). In a second rite of passage, she also had her last deciduous tooth taken out on Friday as planned. She was very brave and was more concerned to know how long the anaesthetic lasted than anything else, as she had a rendez vous with her new (first) boyfriend. Hmmm...... I do hope that Waif is not triggered to lose weight because she imagines this is what boys like whereas in reality they don't actually want to hug a bag of bones. I hope she is more sensible than that, though. She does seem to be.
I am looking forward to getting to know the BF and hope that he will be good, kind and loving to Waif as she could do without a broken heart just yet. I would have been able to talk to him on Friday night but managed to fall/slide down the basement stairs when answering the door so was in no fit state to chat! He must have thought I was the strangest woman in the world as when he came in (Hubby answered the door as I couldn't) I was lying on the sofa (7pm only) muttering about how I would be able to get up in a minute when I felt better. I am still very sore actually and can't wait for the bruising (right hand side lower rib cage, kidney area, hip, thigh and elbow) to subside. I hate feeling unable to function properly and am not a good patient. Still, not being able to train today meant I got my tax return filed a whole 24 hours before the deadline.
Waif saw Black Swan on Friday night. my hubby and I saw it on Saturday night. It's a brilliant film, dark and intense, but had I seen it first, I am not so sure I would have considered it suitable for Waif so she is lucky she got in there first.
Our next visit to the Maudsley is late on in the week. I hope Waif will have upped her weight a little although she does seem to look rather thin at the moment. Four days to go..... needless to say, we would both (Waif and I that is) be very upset if she has lost any so we must make sure that doesn't happen. In fact, I will take her a late night snack right this minute.
I am looking forward to getting to know the BF and hope that he will be good, kind and loving to Waif as she could do without a broken heart just yet. I would have been able to talk to him on Friday night but managed to fall/slide down the basement stairs when answering the door so was in no fit state to chat! He must have thought I was the strangest woman in the world as when he came in (Hubby answered the door as I couldn't) I was lying on the sofa (7pm only) muttering about how I would be able to get up in a minute when I felt better. I am still very sore actually and can't wait for the bruising (right hand side lower rib cage, kidney area, hip, thigh and elbow) to subside. I hate feeling unable to function properly and am not a good patient. Still, not being able to train today meant I got my tax return filed a whole 24 hours before the deadline.
Waif saw Black Swan on Friday night. my hubby and I saw it on Saturday night. It's a brilliant film, dark and intense, but had I seen it first, I am not so sure I would have considered it suitable for Waif so she is lucky she got in there first.
Our next visit to the Maudsley is late on in the week. I hope Waif will have upped her weight a little although she does seem to look rather thin at the moment. Four days to go..... needless to say, we would both (Waif and I that is) be very upset if she has lost any so we must make sure that doesn't happen. In fact, I will take her a late night snack right this minute.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Back for a bit
I had hoped not to be back at all, and definitely not quite so soon.
The Good News is that Waif has been growing and steadily (slowly) putting on weight. She now weighs 46.2kg (clothed). This is wonderful and I hug this knowledge to me when I look at where we were this time last year.
The Bad News is that because she is older and taller, Waif has (just) fallen back into the anorexic range :-( at 85% of a healthy weight.
We had this wake up call at a visit to the Maudsley (with Christmas ski-ing and psych holidays it had been 4 weeks) last week. I have not felt yet that I have reversed this ship....Waif left the house this morning without time for breakfast which should never happen.
I guess I have handed over too much control too quickly...the fishfinger sandwich at breakfast had been quietly swapped for cherry tomatoes on toast...still 2 pieces of wholemeal toast but nowhere near as many calories. This struck me as okay as she also has cereal and milk, but more often recently has not drunk her juice.
Waif spent the whole of last term deciding that she needed to be asleep by 8pm so we had also dropped the late night snack (or else ate supper so early to fit in the late night snack that we dropped the coming home snack instead). She had been looking very healthy on the sleep :-)
It is difficult to move back to our starting position of more calories but that is what we need to do.
At Christmas everyone was commenting on how well Waif was looking, and we were asked by ever so many people whether she and her older sister (see left) were twins as they are now the same height and both have the same long blonde hair and big eyes. Older sister is also very slim. But now I look closely, I can see that Waif's thighs are once again concave from her knees and that her chest has flattened out.
As Waif is a little older (14 and a half now) and has more local friends, having been to the local school for a year now, she is also spending much more time out of the house and away from where I can remind her to eat. She has just acquired a first boyfriend. I am not sure what that means other than hours in the park after dark watching him skateboard in the cold. I hope to entice him into the house soon, and get to know him a little. I worry about Waif as although she can be as headstrong as an ox, and can boss me around utterly, she also has a very vulnerable side to her personality, and an innocence, or rather naivity, despite the fact that she believes herself to be streetwise. I am also not sure, in a school that is mainly boys, what she considers to be normal interaction at her age and suspect it would consist of things I had never even heard of when I was 14.
Waif is still not happy to be alone in the house even though she will wander round town after dark. I have not understood that yet but it bothers me that she does not feel safe at home.
Meanwhile I am training for the London marathon, and Waif and I are regulars at the gym. I hope this is okay to do and does not knock Wiaf off course. THe maudsley said that normal family exercise was fine as long as it was not excessive or obsessive. Waif and I go together twice a week to the gym and she runs 3km. That seems fine to me. She is a good runner but I don't encourage her to take it more seriously as first she has to put on some more weight!
I have made an appointment for her to have out her last babytooth on Friday. She is then able to get orthodontic braces (which she needs) but I have long said to her that she will NOT have them until she is a good weight. I have a horror of her teeth not being strong enough and cracking, or of her finding it difficult to eat as much as she needs when she is growing and recovering from anorexia at the same time. I have spoken tot he orthodontist and he backs me. It might work out okay, oddly, as the NHS waitlist is about 2 years and so she can sit on that knowing that if she can maintain a healthy weight she can have the braces earlier as we will go privately.
At the Maudsley, I mentioned that I might be going back to college or work next year and Waif threw a bit of an ab dab. She thinks that I need to be home for her. perhaps I do but the psych thought that Waif was being rather controlling. I suspect that if I start a college course, it might take a long while before Waif even notices as any MA will be largely self directed study.
Sigh, so many issues. But we will get there!!!!!
The pics are Waif (above) and her older sister (lower picture) taken at the weekend by a friend for her art project - theme of enchanted garden.
Waif has had her lips blocked out with concealer -she is not really that pale!!
The Good News is that Waif has been growing and steadily (slowly) putting on weight. She now weighs 46.2kg (clothed). This is wonderful and I hug this knowledge to me when I look at where we were this time last year.
The Bad News is that because she is older and taller, Waif has (just) fallen back into the anorexic range :-( at 85% of a healthy weight.
We had this wake up call at a visit to the Maudsley (with Christmas ski-ing and psych holidays it had been 4 weeks) last week. I have not felt yet that I have reversed this ship....Waif left the house this morning without time for breakfast which should never happen.
I guess I have handed over too much control too quickly...the fishfinger sandwich at breakfast had been quietly swapped for cherry tomatoes on toast...still 2 pieces of wholemeal toast but nowhere near as many calories. This struck me as okay as she also has cereal and milk, but more often recently has not drunk her juice.
Waif spent the whole of last term deciding that she needed to be asleep by 8pm so we had also dropped the late night snack (or else ate supper so early to fit in the late night snack that we dropped the coming home snack instead). She had been looking very healthy on the sleep :-)
It is difficult to move back to our starting position of more calories but that is what we need to do.
At Christmas everyone was commenting on how well Waif was looking, and we were asked by ever so many people whether she and her older sister (see left) were twins as they are now the same height and both have the same long blonde hair and big eyes. Older sister is also very slim. But now I look closely, I can see that Waif's thighs are once again concave from her knees and that her chest has flattened out.As Waif is a little older (14 and a half now) and has more local friends, having been to the local school for a year now, she is also spending much more time out of the house and away from where I can remind her to eat. She has just acquired a first boyfriend. I am not sure what that means other than hours in the park after dark watching him skateboard in the cold. I hope to entice him into the house soon, and get to know him a little. I worry about Waif as although she can be as headstrong as an ox, and can boss me around utterly, she also has a very vulnerable side to her personality, and an innocence, or rather naivity, despite the fact that she believes herself to be streetwise. I am also not sure, in a school that is mainly boys, what she considers to be normal interaction at her age and suspect it would consist of things I had never even heard of when I was 14.
Waif is still not happy to be alone in the house even though she will wander round town after dark. I have not understood that yet but it bothers me that she does not feel safe at home.
Meanwhile I am training for the London marathon, and Waif and I are regulars at the gym. I hope this is okay to do and does not knock Wiaf off course. THe maudsley said that normal family exercise was fine as long as it was not excessive or obsessive. Waif and I go together twice a week to the gym and she runs 3km. That seems fine to me. She is a good runner but I don't encourage her to take it more seriously as first she has to put on some more weight!
I have made an appointment for her to have out her last babytooth on Friday. She is then able to get orthodontic braces (which she needs) but I have long said to her that she will NOT have them until she is a good weight. I have a horror of her teeth not being strong enough and cracking, or of her finding it difficult to eat as much as she needs when she is growing and recovering from anorexia at the same time. I have spoken tot he orthodontist and he backs me. It might work out okay, oddly, as the NHS waitlist is about 2 years and so she can sit on that knowing that if she can maintain a healthy weight she can have the braces earlier as we will go privately.
At the Maudsley, I mentioned that I might be going back to college or work next year and Waif threw a bit of an ab dab. She thinks that I need to be home for her. perhaps I do but the psych thought that Waif was being rather controlling. I suspect that if I start a college course, it might take a long while before Waif even notices as any MA will be largely self directed study.
Sigh, so many issues. But we will get there!!!!!
The pics are Waif (above) and her older sister (lower picture) taken at the weekend by a friend for her art project - theme of enchanted garden.
Waif has had her lips blocked out with concealer -she is not really that pale!!
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Calling it a day
It is now over a year since I began this journal and I can hardly believe the journey that we have been on.
Waif, whilst still slender, is now healthy, strong and glowing. In fact so much so that I find myself beginning to wonder if she ever had an eating disorder. Then I read my first few posts and recall the absolute despair and all consuming worry that I felt just 14 months back. I was so worried that she might end up being one of the 25% who end up dying in order to be in control. I realise that Waif will have a life long vulnerability and that she will always be a quirky girl, a girl of extremes but now have high hopes again for her.
So what did the trick?
I wish I knew. Obviously, we had access to world class treatment at the Maudsley Hospital and that cannot be a co-incidence. Having said that, I can't for the life of me fathom what they DID that made a difference....we met once a week at Waif's worst, had a chat and had her weighed. She cried. Sometimes I cried. She claimed nothing at all else was wrong in her life.
We also moved her schools in January of this year to a much less pressured place (away from the top 10 in the country girls' school she was at which has a reputation for being a hotbed of anorexia). We got rid of the au pairs and I stayed at home for the year rather than working. That meant I could keep her home for 1 or 2 days a week to ensure she ate properly, and could also supervise breakfast and tea as well as supper. Perhaps these were all important factors too?
I wish I knew what worked as I would love to pass on any tips. Perhaps it was for Waif the combination of happenings that all signalled to her that her weight was not cool. It was not okay. It was not attractive. It was not healthy. And that we loved her so very very much that watching her starve herself was the worst pain we have ever felt and my heart goes out to anyone still in that position, and doubly so to any girl whose waking and sleeping thoughts are dominated by the perverted urge to be skeletal.
So now I must let go a little. Waif is 14 and extraordinarily determined, clever and hardworking. She is a very demanding girl (she has delivered me a weekly menu which I have to stick to, and supper has to be on the table at 6pm as she insists on being asleep by 8pm) balanced by the fact that she is also an incredibly thoughtful and generous person - she helps out so much at home without ever being asked, cares well for all her friends and has an instinct for knowing who is hurting and how to help them.
Waif now does a video fashion blog. She doesn't want me to watch it, so I don't. I think this is where the sleeping has come from - she thinks she will grow more (her latest obsession). She has lost the bags under her eyes completely and her face is no longer drawn and sunken. In fact she is looking utterly beautiful :-)
Waif cycles to school and now wants to do it alone. Twice in the past month, we have seen cycling accidents and had to call an ambulance. Once was a woman who was cycling with a dangling plastic bag on her handlebars that got caught in the wheel and she went flying (no helmet), and the second time was a man commuting to work (presumably) all kitted out and being hit side on whilst engaged on a roundabout. Despite this, Waif is refusing to wear a helmet as it will "ruin her hair". I may trade a helmet for solo cycling.
Waif has always been a girl not to do things by halves; if she is set homework, she does it forwards, backwards and illustrated. I have no doubt that (barring, heaven forbid, sickness or injury) she will get a string of A*s at GCSe and "A" level and that she will rise to the very top of whichever profession she chooses. If I ever needed to employ a lawyer/ doctor/ architect and Waif was one, then I would be utterly confident that she would be the most creative, most efficient and most industrious of the lot. I am so glad that she is not throwing away all this potential. Of course, I would also be completely happy if she chose not to pursue a high powered career but found self fulfilment in some other way (charity work, raising a family) which I have no doubt she would also do brilliantly.
I am so lucky to have her. And also lucky to have had such lovely followers who have at times lent me moral support, sage advice and sometimes a much needed nudge. Thank you and good bye.
Waif, whilst still slender, is now healthy, strong and glowing. In fact so much so that I find myself beginning to wonder if she ever had an eating disorder. Then I read my first few posts and recall the absolute despair and all consuming worry that I felt just 14 months back. I was so worried that she might end up being one of the 25% who end up dying in order to be in control. I realise that Waif will have a life long vulnerability and that she will always be a quirky girl, a girl of extremes but now have high hopes again for her.
So what did the trick?
I wish I knew. Obviously, we had access to world class treatment at the Maudsley Hospital and that cannot be a co-incidence. Having said that, I can't for the life of me fathom what they DID that made a difference....we met once a week at Waif's worst, had a chat and had her weighed. She cried. Sometimes I cried. She claimed nothing at all else was wrong in her life.
We also moved her schools in January of this year to a much less pressured place (away from the top 10 in the country girls' school she was at which has a reputation for being a hotbed of anorexia). We got rid of the au pairs and I stayed at home for the year rather than working. That meant I could keep her home for 1 or 2 days a week to ensure she ate properly, and could also supervise breakfast and tea as well as supper. Perhaps these were all important factors too?
I wish I knew what worked as I would love to pass on any tips. Perhaps it was for Waif the combination of happenings that all signalled to her that her weight was not cool. It was not okay. It was not attractive. It was not healthy. And that we loved her so very very much that watching her starve herself was the worst pain we have ever felt and my heart goes out to anyone still in that position, and doubly so to any girl whose waking and sleeping thoughts are dominated by the perverted urge to be skeletal.
So now I must let go a little. Waif is 14 and extraordinarily determined, clever and hardworking. She is a very demanding girl (she has delivered me a weekly menu which I have to stick to, and supper has to be on the table at 6pm as she insists on being asleep by 8pm) balanced by the fact that she is also an incredibly thoughtful and generous person - she helps out so much at home without ever being asked, cares well for all her friends and has an instinct for knowing who is hurting and how to help them.
Waif now does a video fashion blog. She doesn't want me to watch it, so I don't. I think this is where the sleeping has come from - she thinks she will grow more (her latest obsession). She has lost the bags under her eyes completely and her face is no longer drawn and sunken. In fact she is looking utterly beautiful :-)
Waif cycles to school and now wants to do it alone. Twice in the past month, we have seen cycling accidents and had to call an ambulance. Once was a woman who was cycling with a dangling plastic bag on her handlebars that got caught in the wheel and she went flying (no helmet), and the second time was a man commuting to work (presumably) all kitted out and being hit side on whilst engaged on a roundabout. Despite this, Waif is refusing to wear a helmet as it will "ruin her hair". I may trade a helmet for solo cycling.
Waif has always been a girl not to do things by halves; if she is set homework, she does it forwards, backwards and illustrated. I have no doubt that (barring, heaven forbid, sickness or injury) she will get a string of A*s at GCSe and "A" level and that she will rise to the very top of whichever profession she chooses. If I ever needed to employ a lawyer/ doctor/ architect and Waif was one, then I would be utterly confident that she would be the most creative, most efficient and most industrious of the lot. I am so glad that she is not throwing away all this potential. Of course, I would also be completely happy if she chose not to pursue a high powered career but found self fulfilment in some other way (charity work, raising a family) which I have no doubt she would also do brilliantly.
I am so lucky to have her. And also lucky to have had such lovely followers who have at times lent me moral support, sage advice and sometimes a much needed nudge. Thank you and good bye.
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Maudsley visit time
Phew, that went well. Waif is at 45.3kg and 163cm - she has grown 5 cm in the last year so hopefully that means that she has eaten enough at some point. And also, of course, put on about 9kg :-) :-)
We always have easy sessions when Waif has made progress. She was asked if she missed Older Daughter, now away at school (no) and whether she was close to the relative who has just been jailed for killing someone (no). So no problems there then ;-)
Waif actually opened up in today's session rather than being her normal monosyllabic self. Or rather she is monosyllabic at the Maudsley...at home she chatters nineteen to the dozen, issuing instructions. So today she shamelessly told the psych that the Hopspital's graphs of weight against time were not well set out because the time scale was not constant, being one square per visit rather than one square per month, and the interval between visits varies a lot. She also admitted that she has pinned up a menu list for me to abide by on the fridge, is expecting her room to be redecorated, chided both of us for not noticing that she had been wearing a yellow badge of late, told me I needed to sew a button on her jacket and wondered what I do all day as she tells me stuff to do in the morning and sometimes I have not done it by 3.30pm (um, my husband seconded her sentiment ...grrrrr)!
The Psych looked on in bewilderment and is beginning to see why Waif had the nickname "Tyrant" when she was a very small child. It is good to see her sense of humour and confidence beginning to return.
We are not needed to return for a whole month. We are still aiming at 95-100% weight for age and height so have a few kg to go.
We always have easy sessions when Waif has made progress. She was asked if she missed Older Daughter, now away at school (no) and whether she was close to the relative who has just been jailed for killing someone (no). So no problems there then ;-)
Waif actually opened up in today's session rather than being her normal monosyllabic self. Or rather she is monosyllabic at the Maudsley...at home she chatters nineteen to the dozen, issuing instructions. So today she shamelessly told the psych that the Hopspital's graphs of weight against time were not well set out because the time scale was not constant, being one square per visit rather than one square per month, and the interval between visits varies a lot. She also admitted that she has pinned up a menu list for me to abide by on the fridge, is expecting her room to be redecorated, chided both of us for not noticing that she had been wearing a yellow badge of late, told me I needed to sew a button on her jacket and wondered what I do all day as she tells me stuff to do in the morning and sometimes I have not done it by 3.30pm (um, my husband seconded her sentiment ...grrrrr)!
The Psych looked on in bewilderment and is beginning to see why Waif had the nickname "Tyrant" when she was a very small child. It is good to see her sense of humour and confidence beginning to return.
We are not needed to return for a whole month. We are still aiming at 95-100% weight for age and height so have a few kg to go.
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Tonight I cried
I was on my email account half an hour ago when Older Daughter popped in for a chat.
OD has been at her new boarding school for a week now. When we went to visit on Sunday, we bought her some provisions for snacks at the farmer's market - cheese and crackers, jam for House toast and some juices.
As I knew that supper was at 6pm and this was 6.15pm, I asked her why she was not at supper. She avoided the question but I persisted. In the end it turned out that she hadn't gone because she had nobody to go with :-(
She was a late entrant in the exams so has been squeezed into a house for 13-18 year old girls which does not generally take in new girls at 16, unlike the sixth form boarding house. Her two room mates are perfectly nice girls but I guess they didn't think of OD when they went for supper. I wonder how often this has happened?
It takes a lot of face to go alone into a school canteen as a new girl and especially so when you are, as am I and OD, face blind - this means you cannot spot any tables of new friends to go and join.
I told OD to be brave and go eat but she said that she was happy having cheese in her room. And toast.
This makes my heart ache for her.
I imagine her alone in her dormitory, eating a dry cracker whilst the rest of her House enjoy a slap up, raucous roast in the dining hall, sharing jokes and confidences.
I want to go and find OD, to hug her, and to make it all better BUT she is 60 miles away and coping in her own way. She seemed reasonably cheerful. Of course that simply serves to make me believe she is being brave for me and cry some more :-( I am amazed that there is no kind of Buddy system for a new girl to ensure that she knows when/ where meals are and is generally invited to tag along. I am certain that OD is not being deliberately left out. She is the kind of girl that everybody likes. It is closer to a benign neglect. Probably the others drift off in ones and twos confident that they will meet their friends in the dining hall with not a thought to specifically "invite" the new girl.
All the same, this has made me cry more than when I left her 7 days ago and I hope it is not symptomatic of a more general isolation.
I am tempted to visit on Sunday (it is not an exeat weekend so would technically not be allowed) to check up on her. It's tricky though as a day out on Sunday might have a completely counterproductive effect in terms of making friends in the boarding house. Also Waif objects strongly. She has been expecting full on attention once OD is away at boarding school and here I am mooning around, spending time on the internet helping with homework and talking of being away for another Sunday (Waif can, of course, come too if she wants).
I have to remember that OD is 16 and needs to be independent. It's tough when your children start leaving home. I am rethinking allowing Waif to board in 2 years time.
OD has been at her new boarding school for a week now. When we went to visit on Sunday, we bought her some provisions for snacks at the farmer's market - cheese and crackers, jam for House toast and some juices.
As I knew that supper was at 6pm and this was 6.15pm, I asked her why she was not at supper. She avoided the question but I persisted. In the end it turned out that she hadn't gone because she had nobody to go with :-(
She was a late entrant in the exams so has been squeezed into a house for 13-18 year old girls which does not generally take in new girls at 16, unlike the sixth form boarding house. Her two room mates are perfectly nice girls but I guess they didn't think of OD when they went for supper. I wonder how often this has happened?
It takes a lot of face to go alone into a school canteen as a new girl and especially so when you are, as am I and OD, face blind - this means you cannot spot any tables of new friends to go and join.
I told OD to be brave and go eat but she said that she was happy having cheese in her room. And toast.
This makes my heart ache for her.
I imagine her alone in her dormitory, eating a dry cracker whilst the rest of her House enjoy a slap up, raucous roast in the dining hall, sharing jokes and confidences.
I want to go and find OD, to hug her, and to make it all better BUT she is 60 miles away and coping in her own way. She seemed reasonably cheerful. Of course that simply serves to make me believe she is being brave for me and cry some more :-( I am amazed that there is no kind of Buddy system for a new girl to ensure that she knows when/ where meals are and is generally invited to tag along. I am certain that OD is not being deliberately left out. She is the kind of girl that everybody likes. It is closer to a benign neglect. Probably the others drift off in ones and twos confident that they will meet their friends in the dining hall with not a thought to specifically "invite" the new girl.
All the same, this has made me cry more than when I left her 7 days ago and I hope it is not symptomatic of a more general isolation.
I am tempted to visit on Sunday (it is not an exeat weekend so would technically not be allowed) to check up on her. It's tricky though as a day out on Sunday might have a completely counterproductive effect in terms of making friends in the boarding house. Also Waif objects strongly. She has been expecting full on attention once OD is away at boarding school and here I am mooning around, spending time on the internet helping with homework and talking of being away for another Sunday (Waif can, of course, come too if she wants).
I have to remember that OD is 16 and needs to be independent. It's tough when your children start leaving home. I am rethinking allowing Waif to board in 2 years time.
Monday, 13 September 2010
Resuming a normal life
My husband and I went yesterday to visit Older Daughter at her boarding school as she had an admissions ceremony in the cathedral for her scholarship. Waif did not want to come. As she is now 14 and has plenty of friends around, and we know all our neighbours well, I left her at home for the day. I think that she is still quite jealous of OD's successes even though she will, I am certain, do as well herself in time, and even if she doesn't then I know she will do her best which is all you can ask for.
It occurs to me that this is the first day for 15 months that I have left Waif to feed herself. I made a bolognaise on Saturday with plenty of veg (lots of carrots, celery, leeks and tomato) and left it in the fridge for her to heat up on Sunday. A reasonable portion was gone when I arrived home (hubby went straight to Heathrow for a business flight) and the dog still seemed hungry so my fingers are crossed.
Waif is taking more charge of her meals now - making her own packed lunches and providing me with a weekly menu for suppers. i am backing off as much as I can and not checking every day what she is packing although I do remind her that she needs a milk drink and a snack as well as her sandwich She is trying to eat more vegetables now and less chocolate which seems like a healthy move now she is nearing her more ideal weight, as long as she still has enough main meals. A banana instead of a kitkat for instance, is a better long term plan for a mid morning snack.
She told me the other day that they had all had to weight themselves and calculate their BMIs at school at the end of last term. Hers was 15 point something. She said lots of the girls were 16 or 17 and the teacher had told them not to worry if it was under 18 as they were all young (13 or 14 years old). Hmmm...Waif now has it in her head that the Maudsley are aiming too high for her ideal weight. We will need to talk this through on Thursday when we go.
My personal view is that Waif looks great as she is...and would look great at anything between her current weight and 2 or 3 stone more. I can see she is at a minimum. I can also see that had she never been anorexic, I would not find her current weight worrying so I empathise with her difficulty with the last few kilogrammes that she needs to gain BUT, and this is a big but, I have read the research which all indicates that the higher the normal weight achieved in refeeding, the better the long term success. If Waif were told she could ease off where she is, she could consider her current weight as some kind of MAXIMUM and not a minimum on which to gradually add as she matures. 45kg would definitely not be enough for an adult of her height.
Whatever, I am just so relieved at the progress we have made over the year and can now begin to think about plans for my own life in the coming months. I am considering taking a Family Law masters at university and then practising as a family lawyer (I am already a qualifiied lawyer but have always practised commercial law until my sabbatical a year ago). This would give me another year or two of being generally around after school for Waif before I launch back into proper work when Waif hits 16.
It occurs to me that this is the first day for 15 months that I have left Waif to feed herself. I made a bolognaise on Saturday with plenty of veg (lots of carrots, celery, leeks and tomato) and left it in the fridge for her to heat up on Sunday. A reasonable portion was gone when I arrived home (hubby went straight to Heathrow for a business flight) and the dog still seemed hungry so my fingers are crossed.
Waif is taking more charge of her meals now - making her own packed lunches and providing me with a weekly menu for suppers. i am backing off as much as I can and not checking every day what she is packing although I do remind her that she needs a milk drink and a snack as well as her sandwich She is trying to eat more vegetables now and less chocolate which seems like a healthy move now she is nearing her more ideal weight, as long as she still has enough main meals. A banana instead of a kitkat for instance, is a better long term plan for a mid morning snack.
She told me the other day that they had all had to weight themselves and calculate their BMIs at school at the end of last term. Hers was 15 point something. She said lots of the girls were 16 or 17 and the teacher had told them not to worry if it was under 18 as they were all young (13 or 14 years old). Hmmm...Waif now has it in her head that the Maudsley are aiming too high for her ideal weight. We will need to talk this through on Thursday when we go.
My personal view is that Waif looks great as she is...and would look great at anything between her current weight and 2 or 3 stone more. I can see she is at a minimum. I can also see that had she never been anorexic, I would not find her current weight worrying so I empathise with her difficulty with the last few kilogrammes that she needs to gain BUT, and this is a big but, I have read the research which all indicates that the higher the normal weight achieved in refeeding, the better the long term success. If Waif were told she could ease off where she is, she could consider her current weight as some kind of MAXIMUM and not a minimum on which to gradually add as she matures. 45kg would definitely not be enough for an adult of her height.
Whatever, I am just so relieved at the progress we have made over the year and can now begin to think about plans for my own life in the coming months. I am considering taking a Family Law masters at university and then practising as a family lawyer (I am already a qualifiied lawyer but have always practised commercial law until my sabbatical a year ago). This would give me another year or two of being generally around after school for Waif before I launch back into proper work when Waif hits 16.
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