We went to a fireworks party tonight and a very good friend of mine (little wave to friend) confirmed to me my worst fears - Waif is looking awfully thin. It has been half term and Waif and I have been spending lots of time at the gym, although, to be fair, she was sitting revising on Tuesday whilst I swam. There again on Sunday she cycled there, ran 7k, then cycled home. Meanwhile she has lots of reasons not to eat - the carrot cake has had the icing smudged, she forgot to have toast for breakfast, she has gone off all the ice creams I have in the freezer etc I have let things slide, I realise. I have handed over control before she is ready. I have been wilfully blind because I DON"T WANT HER TO BE ILL.
Perhaps it is laziness? Watching and controlling each and every meal is a chore, and Waif will cheerfully volunteer to relieve me of the burden but tonight I had a reality check: for the first time, I had a proper conversation with a near neighbour and long time acquaintance whose daughter I knew also has had anorexia for several years. I had drafted Near Neigbbour an email when I first found this out a few months back but never sent it for fear of intruding or upsetting her. But tonight we both ventured onto the topic and it turns out that she knew about Waif and I knew about her 18yo daughter. Her daughter is now attending day treatment at Bethlem and their whole family have been through the mill. Near Neighbour gave me some strong advice that I need to take back control. I need to cancel Waif's gym membership until she is a healthy weight and I need to take her straight back to the Maudsley. She said to make the most of the pre 18 period and even post 18 to pull the strings that we still have - university fees etc will not be paid in the absence of a healthy weight.
I am going to start tonight - Waif is out at fireworks with some lovely school friends. They all met earlier at our house (my hubby and I were out at a different party). I had left lasagne and garlic bread but, on my return, discover it untouched. I expect Waif's friends are starving! Last night, Waif had her boyfriend round and I had left them fillet steaks and chips (well, I had left the chips in the freezer but they are 15 and 16yo so are capable of cooking) and those too had been left untouched. i am 100% certain that BF would have wolfed them down if Waif had offered them. I have put the lasagne in the oven and will be ensuring it is eaten when they all return.
Sigh, I am a pathetic mother because I can't for the life of me remember if Waif is about 47kg, or 37kg. I think it must be 37kg :-( I have wilfully forgotten. I need to check back in this blog and to get her on some scales tomorrow as soon as her friends leave.
I am also going to put my foot down about cycling to school. Waif, despite protestations, and unless she can give me further and better particulars, will have to accept the lift share that is going with 2 neighbours with teenaged sons at the same school as Waif. That way I know she is not walking to school and she can leave 30 mins later than if she were catching the bus so that there is more time for breakfast.
In my opinion, the Maudsley discharged Waif too soon - they bought my husband's insistence that he too was very thin when he was a teenager, and it hadn't done him any harm. I expect he was thin (he was) but this was not from lack of appetite but because he grew rapidly to 6ft 4 at boarding school where food was restricted.
Near Neighbour has been participating in a research project on anorexia and has been told that there is an epigenetic link between pregnancy trauma and anorexia. She, it turns out, was rescued from a burning house at 7 months pregnant. My life has been more mundane but I did indeed go through a trauma of sorts when pregnant with Waif - my husband became worryingly ill (we both suspected a brain tumour) and temporarily lost the ability to talk and was about to resign his job leaving me as the sole breadwinner whereas meanwhile my employer (of whom I was the only full time married woman member of professional staff out of about 60) was disputing my right to maternity leave, pay and customary accommodation and basically told me that they did not want to employ women as my husband should keep me. This sounds trivial but actually I had visions of being unemployed, homeless and with a baby, toddler and disabled husband. Thankfully, everything worked out in the end but there was definitely stress. In fact, at about 7 months pregnant, we did hit a crisis as Hubby was rushed to hospital needing emergency surgery - with me (5ft 2, petite, heavily pregnant) trying to get him (in serious pain and unable to walk unaided), together with a reluctant 2 year old, down the stairs to our flat and to the hospital as quickly as possible - the GP on the phone said I had to go to him so that he could decide whether H needed to go straight to hospital (after one look, he confirmed that H did indeed need to go straight to hospital). The GP said point blank that he did not do home visits. Looking back, I should have called an ambulance. At the hospital, H was given morphine and a bed to lie on, before emergency surgery. I was not offered a chair (it was not really about me at that point), and then collapsed. Anyway, I wonder if there is a connection or whether everyone, if asked, could point to some traumatic event in pregnancy?
Still, the past is the past and all I care about is the future, and getting Waif back on a healthy path. She wil be back in the next half hour so I am off to cook :-)
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
First Recovery Breakfast
I didn't get much chance to talk to Waif last night as she was out with her boyfriend until about 7.30pm. I had supper ready - lightly dusted and fried lemon sole, ratatouille and some new boiled potatoes (not the most calorific meal, I admit, but I was going to insist on pudding and had planned it and shopped for it before taking in the news that Waif needed feeding up again). But Waif claimed to have already eaten a pizza and a pudding out at Pizza Express with BF. She agreed nonetheless to eat a small piece of fish and ratatouille. BF incidentally is stick thin but that is probably because he has used all his energy growing to 6ft 4 in the last couple of years.
This morning, Waif happily ate 2 fishfingers in 2 pieces of wholemeal bread. I said that she ought to have something else too - cereal, say, but she said that I needed to give her time to adjust as she was very full. That seems reasonable but I will be making her have a hot chocolate (well, strongly encouraging) when she gets in from school even though for the last few months she has said that she no longer likes them.
Ho hum, the dog was happy: he got the spare 2 extra fishfingers I had cooked.
I feel bad that I had not noticed, or had willfully ignored, Waif's weight loss and had to have it pointed out to me by a shocked Older Daughter. I suppose one just gets used to things and I have become used to Waif being too thin. She is actually only now about the weight she was aged 11 or 12 before she first lost weight, and was about 15cm smaller. She was a perfect weight back then, but now needs to be aiming at 55kg. I would settle for 51kg frankly (8 stone).
Sigh, I guess it is in the same way that we are all now used to Waif's great aunt having been (unfairly) sentenced to life for murder earlier this year. Now there's a throw away line and a whole new blog.....
This morning, Waif happily ate 2 fishfingers in 2 pieces of wholemeal bread. I said that she ought to have something else too - cereal, say, but she said that I needed to give her time to adjust as she was very full. That seems reasonable but I will be making her have a hot chocolate (well, strongly encouraging) when she gets in from school even though for the last few months she has said that she no longer likes them.
Ho hum, the dog was happy: he got the spare 2 extra fishfingers I had cooked.
I feel bad that I had not noticed, or had willfully ignored, Waif's weight loss and had to have it pointed out to me by a shocked Older Daughter. I suppose one just gets used to things and I have become used to Waif being too thin. She is actually only now about the weight she was aged 11 or 12 before she first lost weight, and was about 15cm smaller. She was a perfect weight back then, but now needs to be aiming at 55kg. I would settle for 51kg frankly (8 stone).
Sigh, I guess it is in the same way that we are all now used to Waif's great aunt having been (unfairly) sentenced to life for murder earlier this year. Now there's a throw away line and a whole new blog.....
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Advice from The Maudsley Hospital
I spoke to Waif's psych. Apparently Waif was over 49kg when discharged in July so has lost nearly 3kg since then. Hmmm...that would seem quite good going even for someone on a diet and def not acceptable for someone who is supposed to be trying to gain weight still. The Psych said to talk to Waif and lay the cards on the table: she has lost weight and needs to regain it. If she doesn't do that in a month then we will be going back to hospital visits. I really, really, really hope that does the trick. I am suddenly frightened again - what if she loses more weight between now and then? She is in dangerous territory.
Waif went ton the new Westfield Stratford (aka Eastfield) at the weekend and bought loads of lovely clothes. I will have to repay her when --if-- she grows out of them otherwise that will be too much of a disincentive.
Waif went ton the new Westfield Stratford (aka Eastfield) at the weekend and bought loads of lovely clothes. I will have to repay her when --if-- she grows out of them otherwise that will be too much of a disincentive.
backwards?
The good news was that Waif was signed off at her last visit to the Maudsley, back in July. She had not reached her target weight of 100% of weight for age and height (which was about 53kg) but was at about 48.5kg which was just out of anorexic range and she seemed stable. We have to let Waif fight this battle alone ultimately. The psych said that the good thing was that we had not been monitoring Waif's food intake so she had done this herself.
I did express a worry that from the research that I had read, the lower the permissible "final weight" was, the more chance there was of relapse as the sufferer then perceives this weight to be a maximum rather than a minimum, and we had little room for manoeuvre. I was reassured that as Waif is so young (she is now just 15), we have access to the Maudsley Youth Service for a good few years ahead and could get back in touch anytime.
Anytime may be here. This morning, Older Sister told me that she saw Waif after her bath and she looked terribly thin. I have had nagging worries for a few weeks myself so this was enough of a wake up call for me to ask Waif to stand on the scales - something I have not done for about 9 months. She was 46.1kg. I may call the Maudsley for advbice as they are there. I will also talk to Waif tonight and agree some kind of deadline with her - I cannot impose on her now she is so grown up, but she is a very clever girl (A* in the GCSE she took early this year, since you ask) and sometimes sensible, so if I lay out the facts clearly she will see that she needs to put on weight, and if she cannot do it alone then she needs to seek more help.
She is such a lovely girl - so independent, hard working and thoughtful, as well as interesting and kind company, I do hope that this is merely a blip..
I did express a worry that from the research that I had read, the lower the permissible "final weight" was, the more chance there was of relapse as the sufferer then perceives this weight to be a maximum rather than a minimum, and we had little room for manoeuvre. I was reassured that as Waif is so young (she is now just 15), we have access to the Maudsley Youth Service for a good few years ahead and could get back in touch anytime.
Anytime may be here. This morning, Older Sister told me that she saw Waif after her bath and she looked terribly thin. I have had nagging worries for a few weeks myself so this was enough of a wake up call for me to ask Waif to stand on the scales - something I have not done for about 9 months. She was 46.1kg. I may call the Maudsley for advbice as they are there. I will also talk to Waif tonight and agree some kind of deadline with her - I cannot impose on her now she is so grown up, but she is a very clever girl (A* in the GCSE she took early this year, since you ask) and sometimes sensible, so if I lay out the facts clearly she will see that she needs to put on weight, and if she cannot do it alone then she needs to seek more help.
She is such a lovely girl - so independent, hard working and thoughtful, as well as interesting and kind company, I do hope that this is merely a blip..
Saturday, 11 June 2011
End of the day
Waif is growing up fast. She is now nearly 15 and I am beginning to feel that I am treading on the toes of her right to privacy by writing this blog. When she was 12, and so very very ill, the blog, with its supportive and insightful commenters, was a lifeline for me. Now Waif is so much better and older, even though she is not yet discharged from the Maudsley Hospital nor up to her ideal weight, I feel less need of support and more guilt about sharing her life events. If I write but hide things that would embarrass Waif then it will no longer be an honest account. So I want to say a big thank you to all and bow out.
Incidentally, the BEAT training course was very interesting. I learned that the thrust of a self help group is that it is not there for advice but just as a forum. I personally was not convinced that they had any evidence that self help groups actually DID help, and have grave reservations about those aimed at sufferers as it seems to me that they could be counter productive. Those aimed at carers might be more helpful although I am lucky to have had very supportive friends who have listened to me rant on, and in one case, helped direct me to the correct source of advice (thank you!). BEAT is very very well intentioned but the trainer seemed taken aback when I asked about evidence for effectiveness of self help groups and said that they had never looked into it. I still want to do something to help, but am carefully considering what and how to do that. It might be that my money is more valuable than my time, even if it would feel more sterile to simply support treatments and research financially. I am certain that this whole area is under resourced and under researched and am so grateful that we had access to the very best facilities in the world, at no cost whatsoever. I send my best wishes to all sufferers and carers out there and hope that you too will find a way through and escape this pernicious mental illness without long term ill effects. I hope one day there will be more answers.
Incidentally, the BEAT training course was very interesting. I learned that the thrust of a self help group is that it is not there for advice but just as a forum. I personally was not convinced that they had any evidence that self help groups actually DID help, and have grave reservations about those aimed at sufferers as it seems to me that they could be counter productive. Those aimed at carers might be more helpful although I am lucky to have had very supportive friends who have listened to me rant on, and in one case, helped direct me to the correct source of advice (thank you!). BEAT is very very well intentioned but the trainer seemed taken aback when I asked about evidence for effectiveness of self help groups and said that they had never looked into it. I still want to do something to help, but am carefully considering what and how to do that. It might be that my money is more valuable than my time, even if it would feel more sterile to simply support treatments and research financially. I am certain that this whole area is under resourced and under researched and am so grateful that we had access to the very best facilities in the world, at no cost whatsoever. I send my best wishes to all sufferers and carers out there and hope that you too will find a way through and escape this pernicious mental illness without long term ill effects. I hope one day there will be more answers.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Independence
Waif grows daily more independent. It is heartening seeing her turn into a "proper teenager":
- "Well Mum, don't take this badly but I can't quite see the point of doing anything as a family" when asked about holidays.
- off to London last week with a few friends and they took out Boris Bikes and cycled round Trafalgar Square, The Mall, Regents Street and Covent garden.
It's funny how risk is such a relative concept. Three years ago I would have been horrified at the thought of Waif smoking (or cycling round central London). Whilst I still am in many ways, both seem less horrifying than not eating or smoking drugs....... . Hmmm..... I have to let her live her own life and I am standing back as much as I can but with the odd word of advice in the wings. She says it is good that I don't ban her from stuff because she would still do it, but just not tell me!! At heart she is a sensible girl and I think that it is this voice of reason that saved her from the worst devastations of self starvation no matter what her heart was (misleadingly) telling her.
We went to Eastbourne for a few days at Easter, enjoying the incredibly unseasonal warm weather, staying at a luxury hotel and sitting by the outdoor pool. Waif joined us on the evening of day 2 of 4, having stayed in town with her friends the night before. She happily then got 3 trains to make her own way down.
I am pretty proud of her chutzpah, actually.
Waif is still Waif though in many ways: she had her own video blog with 300 followers (!!! it was fashion advice) but then suddenly deleted it all. She has allowed her boyfriend to carry on seeing her despite the fact that she found rude texts about herself on his phone (her self esteem is not where it should be still). She hangs around "the dips" - a secluded are of the heath - with various friends from school, for no discernible reason other than to smoke and drink without adult intervention. I trust her when she says that she just talks even if the others are smoking and worse.
Food? Still tricky. There is still a lot of prevarication and reasons why she can't eat various parts of our meals - the wrong type of bread, she doesn't eat most meat, she doesn't like cream...... but on the whole she eats a passable amount. She is still borderline anorexic weight (85% of weight for height and age) but looks healthy enough and does plenty of exercise - she is religiously going to the gym on Wednesdays as part of her Duke of Edinburgh award and is aiming to run a 10k in 40 minutes which is quite a lot faster than I could manage and I regard myself as quite fast! But I do not think this is obsessive exercise as she also religiously attends art after school on Mondays (for her skill) and Oxfam after work on Tuesdays (for her service). her boyfriend gets to see her on Thursdays. There is nothing unplanned about Waif's life.
Meanwhile, Older Daughter has had a letter from The Maudsley asking her to participate in some research into the effect of anorexia on siblings. She is considering whether to take part - what with university entrance, AS levels and learning to drive, she is pretty busy. I hope she finds the time though.
I am attending a Beat meeting on Saturday to learn to be a volunteer of some sort. I am not sure what kind exactly and will find out. What I would like to do is to go into schools to speak to staff and management about running the school so as not to encourage anorexia (having mealtimes protected from such things as trips and detentions so that eating is never difficult, having food available EVEN IF a child forgets her money/ pass etc), spotting it and how to help (eg offering a supervised meal service etc). As I have just been turned down for my MSc, and have now finished the marathon, I might have time to start something up on my own later this year, although the tricky part will be persuading schools that I have any kind of locus standi so that they will give me the time of day. I also need to do a lot of prior research into which schools deal best with eating disorders and how they do this, although from a "user" perspective, some of it seems like common sense.
Last observation....where does the time go???
- "Well Mum, don't take this badly but I can't quite see the point of doing anything as a family" when asked about holidays.
- off to London last week with a few friends and they took out Boris Bikes and cycled round Trafalgar Square, The Mall, Regents Street and Covent garden.
 |
| Waif's Royal Wedding feet |
 |
| Waif and Older sister looking like twins these days |
 |
| Older sister and Waif in Easter hols |
 |
| Easter Sunday at the pub with friends |
It's funny how risk is such a relative concept. Three years ago I would have been horrified at the thought of Waif smoking (or cycling round central London). Whilst I still am in many ways, both seem less horrifying than not eating or smoking drugs....... . Hmmm..... I have to let her live her own life and I am standing back as much as I can but with the odd word of advice in the wings. She says it is good that I don't ban her from stuff because she would still do it, but just not tell me!! At heart she is a sensible girl and I think that it is this voice of reason that saved her from the worst devastations of self starvation no matter what her heart was (misleadingly) telling her.
We went to Eastbourne for a few days at Easter, enjoying the incredibly unseasonal warm weather, staying at a luxury hotel and sitting by the outdoor pool. Waif joined us on the evening of day 2 of 4, having stayed in town with her friends the night before. She happily then got 3 trains to make her own way down.
I am pretty proud of her chutzpah, actually.
Waif is still Waif though in many ways: she had her own video blog with 300 followers (!!! it was fashion advice) but then suddenly deleted it all. She has allowed her boyfriend to carry on seeing her despite the fact that she found rude texts about herself on his phone (her self esteem is not where it should be still). She hangs around "the dips" - a secluded are of the heath - with various friends from school, for no discernible reason other than to smoke and drink without adult intervention. I trust her when she says that she just talks even if the others are smoking and worse.
Food? Still tricky. There is still a lot of prevarication and reasons why she can't eat various parts of our meals - the wrong type of bread, she doesn't eat most meat, she doesn't like cream...... but on the whole she eats a passable amount. She is still borderline anorexic weight (85% of weight for height and age) but looks healthy enough and does plenty of exercise - she is religiously going to the gym on Wednesdays as part of her Duke of Edinburgh award and is aiming to run a 10k in 40 minutes which is quite a lot faster than I could manage and I regard myself as quite fast! But I do not think this is obsessive exercise as she also religiously attends art after school on Mondays (for her skill) and Oxfam after work on Tuesdays (for her service). her boyfriend gets to see her on Thursdays. There is nothing unplanned about Waif's life.
Meanwhile, Older Daughter has had a letter from The Maudsley asking her to participate in some research into the effect of anorexia on siblings. She is considering whether to take part - what with university entrance, AS levels and learning to drive, she is pretty busy. I hope she finds the time though.
I am attending a Beat meeting on Saturday to learn to be a volunteer of some sort. I am not sure what kind exactly and will find out. What I would like to do is to go into schools to speak to staff and management about running the school so as not to encourage anorexia (having mealtimes protected from such things as trips and detentions so that eating is never difficult, having food available EVEN IF a child forgets her money/ pass etc), spotting it and how to help (eg offering a supervised meal service etc). As I have just been turned down for my MSc, and have now finished the marathon, I might have time to start something up on my own later this year, although the tricky part will be persuading schools that I have any kind of locus standi so that they will give me the time of day. I also need to do a lot of prior research into which schools deal best with eating disorders and how they do this, although from a "user" perspective, some of it seems like common sense.
Last observation....where does the time go???
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