Feeling more positive

Waif had a piece of toast for breakfast.  I was out walking the dog, and asked H to ensure that Waif ate properly.  When I got back, Waif took me off into another room and told me that I had to get Dad off her back.  Apparently he had barked at her "What else are you going to have?"  I explained that we needed to make sure that she ate enough and we didn't want her getting ill again and that she is much too thin, and H is only concerned for her but that perhaps her father could ask in a different way.  I suggested I cook pancakes as Waif had chosen a pancake mix at an upmarket deli last week where H had told each daughter they could spend £5 as they wished.

We did the same.  Older Daughter bought sweets, I bought duck liver pate, H bought french finger biscuits that reminded him of his childhood and Waif chose pancake mix.  H had tried to dissuade Waif, saying it was very easy to make pancake batter but she had been adamant.  Anyway, this morning she said she wanted to "save" the pancake mix.

Older Daughter was cooking a variant on french toast - a luxury version using croissants and caramelised apples.

 Waif claimed she didn't like egg.  I suggested a banana but the skin had black flecks.

Waif ended up agreeing to eat a small yoghurt.  Blimey, this could be a long haul.

I am planning roast pheasant for tonight but Waif has already announced that this is "not her favourite".  This could well be code for "will not eat it" so I have a back up lasagne.  Does anyone else hate cooking?

Reality Check

We went to a fireworks party tonight and a very good friend of mine (little wave to friend) confirmed to me my worst fears - Waif is looking awfully thin.  It has been half term and Waif and I have been spending lots of time at the gym, although, to be fair, she was sitting revising on Tuesday whilst I swam.  There again on Sunday she cycled there, ran 7k, then cycled home.  Meanwhile she has lots of reasons not to eat - the carrot cake has had the icing smudged, she forgot to have toast for breakfast, she has gone off all the ice creams I have in the freezer etc  I have let things slide, I realise.  I have handed over control before she is ready.  I have been wilfully blind because I DON"T WANT HER TO BE ILL.

Perhaps it is laziness?  Watching and controlling each and every meal is a chore, and Waif will cheerfully volunteer to relieve me of the burden but tonight I had a reality check:  for the first time, I had a proper conversation with a near neighbour and long time acquaintance whose daughter I knew also has had anorexia for several years.  I had drafted Near Neigbbour an email when I first found this out a few months back but never sent it for fear of intruding or upsetting her.  But tonight we both ventured onto the topic and it turns out that she knew about Waif and I knew about her 18yo daughter.  Her daughter is now attending day treatment at Bethlem and their whole family have been through the mill.  Near Neighbour gave me some strong advice that I need to take back control.  I need to cancel Waif's gym membership until she is a healthy weight and I need to take her straight back to the Maudsley.  She said to make the most of the pre 18 period and even post 18 to pull the strings that we still have - university fees etc will not be paid in the absence of a healthy weight.

I am going to start tonight - Waif is out at fireworks with some lovely school friends.  They all met earlier at our house (my hubby and I were out at a different party).  I had left lasagne and garlic bread but, on my return, discover it untouched.  I expect Waif's friends are starving!  Last night, Waif had her boyfriend round and I had left them fillet steaks and chips (well, I had left the chips in the freezer but they are 15 and 16yo so are capable of cooking) and those too had been left untouched.  i am 100% certain that BF would have wolfed them down if Waif had offered them.  I have put the lasagne in the oven and will be ensuring it is eaten when they all return.

Sigh, I am a pathetic mother because I can't for the life of me remember if Waif is about 47kg, or 37kg.  I think it must be 37kg  :-(    I have wilfully forgotten.  I need to check back in this blog and to get her on some scales tomorrow as soon as her friends leave.

I am also going to put my foot down about cycling to school.  Waif, despite protestations, and unless she can give me further and better particulars, will have to accept the lift share that is going with 2 neighbours with teenaged sons at the same school as Waif.  That way I know she is not walking to school and she can leave 30 mins later than if she were catching the bus so that there is more time for breakfast.

In my opinion, the Maudsley discharged Waif too soon - they bought my husband's insistence that he too was very thin when he was a teenager, and it hadn't done him any harm.  I expect he was thin (he was) but this was not from lack of appetite but because he grew rapidly to 6ft 4 at boarding school where food was restricted.

Near Neighbour has been participating in a research project on anorexia and has been told that there is an epigenetic link between pregnancy trauma and anorexia.  She, it turns out, was rescued from a burning house at 7 months pregnant.  My life has been more mundane but I did indeed go through a trauma of sorts when pregnant with Waif - my husband became worryingly ill (we both suspected a brain tumour) and temporarily lost the ability to talk and was about to resign his job leaving me as the sole breadwinner whereas meanwhile my employer (of whom I was the only full time married woman member of professional staff out of about 60) was disputing my right to maternity leave, pay and customary accommodation and basically told me that they did not want to employ women as my husband should keep me.  This sounds trivial but actually I had visions of being unemployed, homeless and with a baby, toddler and disabled husband.  Thankfully, everything worked out in the end but there was definitely stress.  In fact, at about 7 months pregnant, we did hit a crisis as Hubby was rushed to hospital needing emergency surgery - with me (5ft 2, petite, heavily pregnant) trying to get him (in serious pain and unable to walk unaided), together with a reluctant 2 year old, down the stairs to our flat and to the hospital as quickly as possible - the GP on the phone said I had to go to him so that he could decide whether H needed to go straight to hospital (after one look, he confirmed that H did indeed need to go straight to hospital).  The GP said point blank that he did not do home visits.  Looking back, I should have called an ambulance.  At the hospital, H was given morphine and a bed to lie on, before emergency surgery.  I was not offered a chair (it was not really about me at that point), and then collapsed.  Anyway, I wonder if there is a connection or whether everyone, if asked, could point to some traumatic event in pregnancy?

Still, the past is the past and all I care about is the future, and getting Waif back on a healthy path.  She wil be back in the next half hour so I am off to cook  :-)

Not sure if I have posted this before.  It is Waif looking Waiflike.

She looks like the model for ASOS, Cara.  Sometimes people stop her in the street and ask her.   In fact, this could BE Waif:

First Recovery Breakfast

I didn't get much chance to talk to Waif last night as she was out with her boyfriend until about 7.30pm.  I had supper ready - lightly dusted and fried lemon sole,  ratatouille and some new boiled potatoes (not the most calorific meal, I admit, but I was going to insist on pudding and had planned it and shopped for it before taking in the news that Waif needed feeding up again).  But Waif claimed to have already eaten a pizza and a pudding out at Pizza Express with BF.  She agreed nonetheless to eat a small piece of fish and ratatouille.  BF incidentally is stick thin but that is probably because he has used all his energy growing to 6ft 4 in the last couple of years.

This morning, Waif happily ate 2 fishfingers in 2 pieces of wholemeal bread.  I said that she ought to have something else too - cereal, say, but she said that I needed to give her time to adjust as she was very full.  That seems reasonable but I will be making her have a hot chocolate (well, strongly encouraging) when she gets in from school even though for the last few months she has said that she no longer likes them.

Ho hum, the dog was happy:  he got the spare 2 extra fishfingers I had cooked.

I feel bad that I had not noticed, or had willfully ignored, Waif's weight loss and had to have it pointed out to me by a shocked Older Daughter.  I suppose one just gets used to things and I have become used to Waif being too thin.  She is actually only now about the weight she was aged 11 or 12 before she first lost weight, and was about 15cm smaller.  She was a perfect weight back then, but now needs to be aiming at 55kg.  I would settle for 51kg frankly (8 stone).

Sigh, I guess it is in the same way that we are all now used to Waif's great aunt having been (unfairly) sentenced to life for murder earlier this year.  Now there's a throw away line and a whole new blog.....

Advice from The Maudsley Hospital

I spoke to Waif's psych.  Apparently Waif was over 49kg when discharged in July so has lost nearly 3kg since then.  Hmmm...that would seem quite good going even for someone on a diet and def not acceptable for someone who is supposed to be trying to gain weight still.  The Psych said to talk to Waif and lay the cards on the table:  she has lost weight and needs to regain it.  If she doesn't do that in a month then we will be going back to hospital visits.  I really, really, really hope that does the trick.  I am suddenly frightened again - what if she loses more weight between now and then?  She is in dangerous territory.

Waif went ton the new Westfield Stratford  (aka Eastfield) at the weekend and bought loads of lovely clothes.  I will have to repay her when --if-- she grows out of them otherwise that will be too much of a disincentive.

backwards?

The good news was that Waif was signed off at her last visit to the Maudsley, back in July.  She had not reached her target weight of 100% of weight for age and height (which was about 53kg) but was at about 48.5kg which was just out of anorexic range and she seemed stable.  We have to let Waif fight this battle alone ultimately.  The psych said that the good thing was that we had not been monitoring Waif's food intake so she had done this herself.

I did express a worry that from the research that I had read, the lower the permissible "final weight" was, the more chance there was of relapse as the sufferer then perceives this weight to be a maximum rather than a minimum, and we had little room for manoeuvre.  I was reassured that as Waif is so young (she is now just 15), we have access to the Maudsley Youth Service for a good few years ahead and could get back in touch anytime.

Anytime may be here.  This morning, Older Sister told me that she saw Waif after her bath and she looked terribly thin.  I have had nagging worries for a few weeks myself so this was enough of a wake up call for me to ask Waif to stand on the scales - something I have not done for about 9 months.  She was 46.1kg.  I may call the Maudsley for advbice as they are there.  I will also talk to Waif tonight and agree some kind of deadline with her - I cannot impose on her now she is so grown up, but she is a very clever girl (A* in the GCSE she took early this year, since you ask) and sometimes sensible, so if I lay out the facts clearly she will see that she needs to put on weight, and if she cannot do it alone then she needs to seek more help.

She is such a lovely girl - so independent, hard working and thoughtful, as well as interesting and kind company, I do hope that this is merely a blip..  

End of the day

Waif is growing up fast.  She is now nearly 15 and I am beginning to feel that I am treading on the toes of her right to privacy by writing this blog.  When she was 12, and so very very ill, the blog, with its supportive and insightful commenters, was a lifeline for me.  Now Waif is so much better and older, even though she is not yet discharged  from the Maudsley Hospital nor up to her ideal weight, I feel less need of support and more guilt about sharing her life events.  If I write but hide things that would embarrass Waif then it will no longer be an honest account.  So I want to say a big thank you to all and bow out.

Incidentally, the BEAT training course was very interesting. I learned that the thrust of a self help group is that it is not there for advice but just as a forum.  I personally was not convinced that they had any evidence that self help groups actually DID help, and have grave reservations about those aimed at sufferers as it seems to me that they could be counter productive.  Those aimed at carers might be more helpful although I am lucky to have had very supportive friends who have listened to me rant on, and in one case, helped direct me to the correct source of advice (thank you!).  BEAT is very very well intentioned but the trainer seemed taken aback when I asked about evidence for effectiveness of self help groups and said that they had never looked into it.  I still want to do something to help, but am carefully considering what and how to do that.  It might be that my money is more valuable than my time, even if it would feel more sterile to simply support treatments and research financially.  I am certain that this whole area is under resourced and under researched and am so grateful that we had access to the very best facilities in the world, at no cost whatsoever.  I send my best wishes to all sufferers and carers out there and hope that you too will find a way through and escape this pernicious mental illness without long term ill effects.  I hope one day there will be more answers.