Weight and Oxbridge

Prompted by Diana and the passage of time, here is an update.

How is Waif doing?  Hmmm...being a bit grumpy and looking very thin is one answer, sadly.  Getting in to a top London school for Sixth Form and still being the light of my life is another.

Possibly against my better judgment and because I am far from perfect, I renewed Waif's gym membership.  I decided that if I don't and if she is determined then she will merely exercise some other way (eg walking to school secretly).  She always stays late after school to "do art".  How would I know if she were actually going to the school gym?  I hope not but I can never know.  She will still eat when prompted and just about everything I put in front of her - she is very obliging and good BUT will make all sorts of excuses to trade high calorie items and/or skip the between meal snacks.

Last week, she definitely tried cigarettes which made her feel sick.  I can't get excited about smoking (even thought I loathe it with a passion) when she still has eating issues.  As long as she eats I don't care about anything else.

I am so proud of her school offer, but am holding off on a decision:  on the one hand, she deserves a first class education as she is clearly a very bright girl and I would hesitate to deprive anyone of that.  OTOH she did not cope at the last high pressure girls' school she was at so why on earth am I contemplating sending her to another?

The school in question has a very good supportive approach to anorexics (unlike Waif's last school which just told her to leave) which is a good sign.

Meanwhile, I took Older Daughter to her Cambridge interview on Monday.  In the hotel dining room, were numerous pairs of mothers and teen offspring looking both smart and nervous and clearly all there for the same reason.  Amongst them was a girl so thin I just wanted to hug her and advise her to chase her dreams of Cambridge but first she had to EAT or she would not even be living that long  :-(  :-(   It is so hard as a bystander to understand WHY anorexics don't eat.  It can't be to look better because below a certain weight people look awful - bony, drawn, even - I hesitate to say it - repulsive.  So what is it?  OD reckons it is that they look at one part of themselves eg their stomach and decide that THAT part is too fat and diet until (never) that part is acceptable to them without looking at the whole picture.  The irony is that on starvation rations, one will never have a flat stomach due to some kind of protein osmosis (OD told me the details, but I forget).

I don't want Waif to be that skeletal girl having breakfast before her Oxford interview in 2 years' time.




Meantime here are some pics:

I was cleaning out the kitchen cupboards........

We have been looking at old photos and organising the computer files.  This one made me laugh.  We have three cats and a dog and this cat has cattitude for sure.



More heart tugging are old photos of Waif, before she got too too thin, where she looks healthy and happy.  Where is she hiding?

I was cleaning out the kitchen cupboards........

We have been looking at old photos and organising the computer files.  This one made me laugh.  This is one of our Burmese cats.

School run subterfuge

Waif's school is about 4 miles from home.  As you, Dear Reader, will know if you have been reading for long, Waif often cycles this in the warmer months but I have vetoed cycling for November through to the February half term as it is too dark and dangerous where she has to negotiate London A roads.

We have near neighbours each with a son at Waif's school and they share a school run in the car.  It is also possible to catch 2 buses to school, or to walk through the park and then catch one bus.  The timings are basically as follows:

cycling:        10 mins
car journey:  15 mins (rush hour traffic and no short cuts across the park make this longer than cycling)
bus:              40 mins to an hour depending on waits  :-(    the first bus runs only every 25 mins so the wait is unpredictable but last month this improved as there is a new iphone app telling you when a bus is due.
walking:       about an hour
walking half way then bus:  about an hour

You can see why Waif likes cycling.

I have provisionally joined the lift share so that Waif can have a lift to school every day.  However, she has been refusing to take it and insisting instead on going by bus.  I have let this ride as I applaud independence and, in London, bus travel is free so it doesn't cost any more.  I still do my turn(s) on the lift share to reserve Waif's ability to get a lift any day she wants one.

Her logic is that she does not want to sit in the back of a car with boys who smell and that she does not know.  They do not in reality smell as far as I have noticed, incidentally, and seem like very nice boys.   One is in the year above her at school and the other is in the year below.  Ho hum, I have merely pointed out that she has no control who sits next to her on the bus..

I have been blind though, Dear Readers.  The Near Neighbour (NN)  I met on bonfire night told me that her anorexic daughter turned out to have been walking to school every day, whilst pretending to get the bus early for extra studying.  This is all about burning off calories.

Waif has been leaving for school at 7.30 even though she now has a new app for her iphone called Buschecker which predicts the arrival of the next bus and so her journey should have been getting shorter.  She has also been staying after school to do art, telling me that she will text when she needs a lift home, and then texting me to tell me she is in fact on the bus.

I told NN that I trusted Waif.  She cautioned me to check up on her.  I had not done that until this morning when one of my Older Daughter's friends arrived at our house for her lift with Older Daughter and remarked she had just seen Waif in the Park.  The Park is not between us and the bus stop.

Waif had been in a strop this morning for at least two reasons:

1.  I had made her scrambled egg and insisted she ate it with 2 pieces of toast; and
2.  her grandparents were staying and she has had issues with her grandfather who has in fact inadvertantly(ish) been quite cruel and hurtful to Waif, and is too "old school" to apologise and make up.  We are only just on speaking terms really although I am not sure he has noticed.

Anyway, whether it was Waif's mood that put me on alert, or just the tip off that she was in the park I am not sure but I threw on my clothes, grabbed Waif's bike from the shed and pedalled off after her.  I caught up with Waif probably 15 minutes after she had left home, trudging through the rain across the Heath half way to school.

Sigh.  I told her she was grounded and insisted she came home (I am not sure why I didn't let her keep going at that point as school was as close as home but I wanted consequences).

She knew she had been rumbled although she half heartedly said she hadn't mentioned the walking as she thought I wouldn't mind whether or not she was walking.  She knew that was a lie.  I explained that I was very hurt and upset that she had lied to me, and worried about her weight, and asked her to promise to be honest so that I can help her.  I will tell her tonight this is the moment at which I now insist on her accepting a lift every day after a cooked breakfast - I expect she will work that out for herself really.  We had a good chat on the way home with her agreeing that any weight under 50kg was much too little and that she would try to eat as much as possible until she was over that.  Her target weight is actually more like 56kg but that is for another day.  One step at a time.  In return, I told her that I was doing my best not to bully her, but more to help give her strategies and insight and she agreed that she did not feel bullied by me (rather surprisingly and I am not sure if that is good or not).

She admitted to also walking home on a few days.  This would mean that she was taking an 8 mile walk with a bag each day she walked both ways.

She did not want the indignity of meeting her grandparents back at the house so I went in first, organised a distraction, and then snuck Waif upstairs for the half hour before the grandparents left.  Waif and I then ate a second breakfast and I drove her to school.  Double sigh.  I feel so sorry for her.  I tried to talk to her about her worries (school entrance exams, her grandfather, boys.....) but there does not seem to be a specific link.  I wish there were a magic bullet.

Holidays in New York!

I have booked for us to spend a week in the Big Apple over Christmas.  It will be one of our last family holidays as Older Daughter will be off to university next year  (sniff) and Easter 2012 will be filled with revision for both OD and Waif as they prepare for GCSEs and "A" levels.

I have the flights and accommodation sorted but still have the pleasure of arranging our itinerary.  I hope to include:

- lighting of the Christmas Tree at the Rockerfeller Centre

- going to the top of the Empire State Building

- visiting the Met

- ice skating in Central Park

- going out for brunch

- going to the Frick Collection

- catching a show on Broadway

- and a guided tour around Central Park on Christmas Day
hopefully in the snow!

Ok, I am off to book some of those things right now!

Dilemmas Academic

Waif is a bright and determined young lady.  Lots of anorexics are - I guess it is the same determination and perseverance that allows them to take such control of their eating and also to work persistently.    You couldn't be a slapdash anorexic.

If you have followed this blog for a while, you will know that it began with her moving from her high pressure academic london girls' school to a gentler, local mixed school.  There were several reasons for this:  firstly, I was worried that fall outs with class mates was making her unhappy at her last school (she had a year dominated by a couple of really very nasty characters which had an enormous impact on the rest of the class), secondly I wanted to be close enough to supervise lunches if necessary (it wasn't, luckily) and thirdly because her old school dropped a very unsubtle hint that they could not cope with her, which I suspect meant that they were aware of their disastrous reputation for anorexia.  They certainly, for all their ultimate sympathy on leaving, made it difficult for the girls to eat.  aside:  I would love to campaign for schools to have a sacrosanct lunch hour, like hospitals are encouraged to do, devoid of meetings arranged, detentions given or information sessions during the time they should be eating, and that all girls should be able to eat even if they have forgotten their passes.

Roll on 18 months:  Waif is happy and settled in her local school.  She has a lovely set of friends whom she sees nearly every day after school, boys and girls alike.   Her teachers adore her.  The world looks bright.

Here is a picture break- 2 of our cats:

BUT Waif sees Older Daughter in her UCAS struggles - Cambridge is her top choice - and how every mark at GCSE and AS level counts.  Waif has begun to look to the future and has decided that she wants to go to Oxford,  the problem being that at her current school the academics are okay rather than excellent.  At "A" level next year, she will be in a class with students aiming at B and C grades as well as those aiming for A and A*.   One of her chosen "A" level subjects is taught by a whacky and inspirational teacher who has not achieved good grades for his pupils last year, sadly.  The upshot of this is that Waif has been looking around at Sixth Form options.  Last week she took the entrance exam for a prestigious central London girls' school, performed well and has been asked for interview on Thursday.  I suspect she did outstandingly in the Further Maths paper as she said it asked her for proofs.  She had never done a proof before but said that she got them all (!)  out.  I am not wholly surprised as she is a natural, even though she does not wildly care for the sciences.

Waif still looks to us for guidance and I am not sure whether to steer her away from a school move, or to encourage it...or to let her decide wholly alone.  I have tried to lay out some pro's and cons as I see them:  classes at Top School will be faster and more inspiring and their Oxbridge results are stunning.  On the other hand, she will not have any established friends there, and we agreed it took 6-12 months for her to make good friends at Local School, and she will not be singled out for particular attention in the way she will be at her Local School where the Head is very keen to groom his Oxbridge candidates in order to build up the reputation of the school.  Also, if you move at sixth form to a school with an established pupil base (rather than a sixth form college where all are new), you can guarantee you will not be the one picked for prefect, or Head Girl, or Head of Games or cut slack when you are ill as you are an unknown quantity yet to establish your good reputation - she is a complete teacher's dream so very likely to have some of those things at her current school.

And together with all of this, is the anorexia.  This she is less willing to discuss.  In my mind, academic success will bring her happiness and help her to be stable, but various friends have counselled me that Oxbridge is bad news for anorexics as it is so high pressure.  Top School also has its fair share of anorexics.

Waif is up to some of her old tricks:  breakfast is now a minimally small bowl of bran flakes and a piece of dry toast.  Lunch yesterday was a small bowl of soup and a piece of bread.  She SWORE to me that she had eaten cake at Costa and a good supper at a friend's house but sometimes she kids herself.  I am working up to getting her on the scales to check my fears.  She DOES look thin but then I met a fellow runner yesterday who sees Waif at the gym who reckoned she just looked lanky.  I have lost the ability to judge.  One thing I am certain of is that she has become defensive and grumpy which I remember all too well from the time 2 years ago that she was rapidly losing weight :-(

In conclusion, the ONLY thing I care about is Waif's wellbeing and happiness.  I know these all hinge on her eating properly and maintaining a healthy body.  What I am less clear about is whether this will all follow on form academic success (which will make her happy).  I am inclined to encourage her to stay at Local School where she is loved and cherished, and to grab the opportunities afforded to her for academic enhancement should she want those.  Local School does, after all, have some Oxbridge success.

Dilemmas!

Bullying

I feel like we are bullying Waif  :-(

After a few months of all getting on well, and having a lovely time, we are having tears again at mealtimes.  My poor lovely Waif who is always so gentle with me.

My gut instinct is that meal times are NOT a good moment to discuss anorexic issues - how upset we are that Waif has lost weight, how she will be going back to the Maudsley at this rate and how we need to weigh her.   I feel that if someone is upset, then the last thing they want to do is eat.  Gosh,  even"I" didn't  feel hungry after listening to that.  I reckon firm encouragement is the way to go.  H, on the other hand, says that he does not see Waif at any other time and do I expect him to go and find her some other time to talk to her about it (um, yes, actually).

H refused to let Waif take her pudding to eat in front of the TV, even though she was upset and nobody was enjoying the meal.  Poor Waif looked distraught.  I told her that she should sit at the table as Daddy wanted her to.  I then suggested that she just eat half at the table and then take it away elsewhere.  Sigh, this does raise issues of conflict - I want to support H on disciplinary and child issues but it is tough when I fundamentally disagree with something that he suddenly comes out with as a diktat.   But I recognise that he too is trying to help and I do not have the monopoly on being right.

Still, the main thing is that Waif had a good lunch in the end.

I have not even addressed the issue of disallowing Waif from cycling to school from tomorrow.  She is not going to like me at all.  I know that she is okay if I drive her to and from school every day, but is adamant she won't be part of a lift share with 2 "smelly" (actually very pleasant and not smelly that I have noticed) boys down the street.  I think I will compromise on this one and drive her myself even though a lift share would save me several hours a week.  I will have to explain a little to the other mothers as they will think I am very rude driving in without their boys when I am going that way anyway and they both find it difficult to do the school run as they work......  Mind you, the boys are 15 and 17 and there is actually a bus that even Waif is quite happy to catch.  I don't want her on the bus though as it requires an extra half hour and I am worried that she might actually be walking to school in that extra time (Near Neighbour said that was what her daughter had been doing under the guise of leaving early to do extra school work).

I wish Waif had not lost weight again.....  our lives are all so much happier when she is eating well.  Hers especially.

Feeling more positive

Waif had a piece of toast for breakfast.  I was out walking the dog, and asked H to ensure that Waif ate properly.  When I got back, Waif took me off into another room and told me that I had to get Dad off her back.  Apparently he had barked at her "What else are you going to have?"  I explained that we needed to make sure that she ate enough and we didn't want her getting ill again and that she is much too thin, and H is only concerned for her but that perhaps her father could ask in a different way.  I suggested I cook pancakes as Waif had chosen a pancake mix at an upmarket deli last week where H had told each daughter they could spend £5 as they wished.

We did the same.  Older Daughter bought sweets, I bought duck liver pate, H bought french finger biscuits that reminded him of his childhood and Waif chose pancake mix.  H had tried to dissuade Waif, saying it was very easy to make pancake batter but she had been adamant.  Anyway, this morning she said she wanted to "save" the pancake mix.

Older Daughter was cooking a variant on french toast - a luxury version using croissants and caramelised apples.

 Waif claimed she didn't like egg.  I suggested a banana but the skin had black flecks.

Waif ended up agreeing to eat a small yoghurt.  Blimey, this could be a long haul.

I am planning roast pheasant for tonight but Waif has already announced that this is "not her favourite".  This could well be code for "will not eat it" so I have a back up lasagne.  Does anyone else hate cooking?