After the fiasco of Monday, we went back to the Maudsley on the Tuesday (2 weeks ago now).
When I arrived at Waif's school to pick her up, the car refused to start again :-( Happily Waif breezed off and returned 10 minutes later riding high up in the maintenance men's van, along with Bob and John who gave me a jump start. There are kind people around.
We were half an hour late arriving at the Maudsley, but the psych was very understanding. Anorexia Daddy came along too, which he has not done for ages.
First things first and Waif was weighed. She came in at 48.1kg, so a whole kg more than last visit. Whilst this is slow progress, Waif has been steadily gaining weight for 15 months now so the trend is fantastic. I can't help thinking that controlled weight gain is more likely to last than if we stuffed Waif with chocolates and ice cream for 4 weeks and then expected her to eat normally and maintain a new high weight. Obviously, below a certain weight, immediate gain is imperative and urgent so there is no choice, but where we are now (hovering just above anorexic range) the slow and steady proper meals approach feels more sustainable to me.
The sessions are always relaxed when Waif has gained (in contrast to the tears, misery and monosyllables that greet the infrequent losses). Waif was able to express her desire to go out at all times of day and night without telling me (!) saying that "all her friends did it". I pointed out that I have NEVER stopped her doing anything she has wanted to do (true) and all I wanted was an indication of where she would be, with whom and what time to expect her home. She kind of agreed this was reasonable but said it was a complete pain to have to say goodbye when she was going out. We all agreed (hubby, psych and I) that this is the minimum you would do with a flatmate. Sigh, she is a proper teen now, which on the whole is good. Her latest t-shirt reads "nicotine, alcohol, caffeine". Ho hum. I know that her friends smoke but hope that Waif is sensible enough never to try. She knows exactly how disappointed I would be if she were to smoke.
The conversation then turned to motorbikes: I have now passed my motorbike test (did I mention that?) and am giving Waif the odd lift to school on the back. Actually, I am kind of regretting it as it does not feel wholly safe and Waif spends the journey telling me to go faster!!! I had thought it would be safer than letting her cycle on her own (which is what she wanted to do) but now I am not so sure - on the bicycle, it is possible to avoid roads for the first 2 miles, and there is only road at the end. On the motorbike, I have no choice but to take a major "A" road and, since I stick to the speed limit, I feel very vulnerable being tailgated by lorries and cars wanting to go faster.
Anyway, Waif told the psych that she was getting a moped on her 16th birthday. Hubby and I said she wasn't as it was too dangerous. She says she will spend her own money on it, and leave school and get a job if necessary. I am 99% certain this is all bluster but quite effective all the same! I realise the hypocrisy of my having a motorbike but forbidding it to my daughter on safety grounds so I said that I wanted to get rid of my motorbike as I have realised it is too dangerous (really, I feel fine on it myself but am prepared to give it up if that is what it takes to stop her having one of her own as a teen), hoping that Hubby would pick up the cue. But instead he said that we had spent so much money on helmets and leathers that there was no way we were giving up!! Sigh.
Hubby and I agreed afterwards that when it came to it, we thought that Waif would forget about the idea of a moped (personally, I think this more likely if I have sold my own), especially if I offer to drive her in the convertible we have just ordered (wahay!).
Father in Law is in on the act, having just bought himself two vintage Bugattis and being determined to ride them despite having two hip replacements and not having ridden a motorbike for over 45 years!! Two of his brothers have had months in hospital following motorbike accidents but this seems to be no deterrent. I feel doubly worried now I have read a thread on mumsnet with women saying how many from their class at school were now dead....I assumed this would be older mothers writing, but they were not: many were in their twenties and the common theme seemed to be drugs and motorbike accidents. Ho hum, let's hope Waif makes it to a hundred.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Monday, 4 April 2011
Braces, Oxford and The Maudsley again.
It has been a while since I posted so we have lots of news.
Waif's brace fitting day came and went at the end of March. I had been gently warning her for about 3 weeks that she was only to have the braces if she was 48kg or above as otherwise there was too much danger of her slipping into anorexia again what with it being difficult to eat with braces on. This was really not intended to be any kind of threat but just a statement of common sense....indeed I have fully paid for the braces already (£4000) so am pretty invested in her having them, and, more relevantly, she definitely needs them.
Two days beforehand, Waif told me that she didn't want braces just yet. I asked her if this was to do with her weight and she said "yes, a bit". I didn't explore further as we had the Maudsley coming up the next week and I thought that we would see how her weight was then. I don't think she has put on any weight recently but I am equally hoping she has not lost. I wonder if it is also as she is a bit nervous of braces as she saw both Older Daughter and me struggling a bit with them in 2009. I have rebooked Waif for September at the orthodontist and will do my best to encourage her to go for it then. It may be partly (who knows) due to her being in the throes of true love with her first boyfriend who is a lovely boy although very very thin (yikes) but he does eat a lot, I am assured by Waif, it is just that he is the tallest in the year and has grown a lot recently. He seems lovely - quiet and gentle and a supreme skateboarder.
It is coming up for the end of term and I booked us a weekend away last weekend, to Oxford, partly to look round colleges for Older Daughter who is considering applying, and partly to attend the Literary festival. We stayed first at Keble (seen pic above) and had breakfast in Hall (see below):
I though it was beautiful although the "Friends" of Keble college (Aka the Keble Demolition Society) at the next door college has the membership requirement being the acquisition of one brick.
We then stayed at Christchurch college which is astonishingly dreaming spires.....all golden Cotswold stone, manicured lawns, and beautiful wrought iron gas lamps. Here is Anorexia Daddy in Meadows Quad:
We went to the more child centred talks and laughed HYSTERICALLY at Louise Rennison who really should be a stand up comic. Philip Pullman was good too, talking about the sprite that is the narrator in a tale - the one who sits on the author's shoulder and can leap into certain minds but not others.
On the Saturday afternoon, in Spring sunshine, we took a walking tour but Waif, feeling tired, sat on a bench in the University Parks reading (her new Louise Rennison book).
On Sunday morning, we ate breakfast in Christchurch Hall, being the very room where Harry Potter was filmed. Later in the day we went to a Blue Peter talk back there again :
Sunday was Mother's Day. We all forgot. I belatedly remembered and dropped enormous hints to the girls who bought me a box of champagne truffles :-) Poor Waif was a bit put out about the whole weekend and wanted me to know that generally she wanted to spend weekends at home in term time as that is when she sees her friends. Sigh, fair point, but I appreciated her company for the weekend away. I felt a bit guilty on our return as she did have a lot of homework outstanding.
In the afternoon, Anorexia Daddy and I went round the Ashmolean whilst Waif and Older Daughter sipped hot chocolates opposite in The Randolph Hotel, made famous by Morse and, latterly, Bill Clinton's hotel of choice. One can force too much culture on one's children and I reckoned I was at the limit of elasticity for the weekend.
So roll on Monday, today. I knew that the Maudsley appointment was this week and had a vague feeling it might clash with my taking OD to Cardiff Medical School open day on Tuesday/ Wednesday so first thing this morning I mailed them to confirm the exact time/day. They mailed back saying TODAY!! Yikes, I texted Waif, phoned school and took her along. She was not best pleased as she said it was in her diary for tomorrow and she had to miss her art lesson to come today.
We waited and waited, and waited some more, and eventually it transpired that there had been a diary mix up and the appointment is tomorrow after all. Waif had been right. Poor child. It is an emotionally traumatic trip for her each and every time and she was in floods of tears on the way home and announced that she won't go tomorrow. I have some sympathy with her. I can't decide whether to rearrange for next week (which is also school holidays and so easier) and which would suit me better (I need to get to Cardiff tomorrow and the timing is tricky) or whether we should simply bite the bullet and go. In my heart, I know the latter is more sensible even though it does mean that I will go to the Maudsley with Waif and then dump her home alone whilst I leave with OD. Hmmm, maybe that is not such a good idea unless I can get Anorexia Daddy to come home for 6pm from the office which is not at all easy for him mostly.
As for me, I have less than 2 weeks until I am running in the marathon. That means a bit less training for now and so more free time. I will go for a last long run tomorrow morning and then taper. I have not trained as much as I should have but am quietly confident of finishing in well under 5 hours, hopefully under 4h 30. Waif clearly has the running gene as she came third in cross country at school last week, and that was after she had run 6km at the gym the night before.....don't worry she only goes to the gym on Wednesdays as it is part of her Duke of Edinburgh award. On Tuesday she volunteers at Oxfam, and on Mondays she goes to art classes. This is partly why she is so cross with me today as she missed art for the Maudsley and now she is to miss Oxfam too for tomorrow's visit. Not fulfilling her commitments is commendably stressful to her and not something she would willingly do. She is determined to get all 3 badges - bronze, silver and gold and I would bet my last penny that she succeeds.......(as long as she remains well).
Waif's brace fitting day came and went at the end of March. I had been gently warning her for about 3 weeks that she was only to have the braces if she was 48kg or above as otherwise there was too much danger of her slipping into anorexia again what with it being difficult to eat with braces on. This was really not intended to be any kind of threat but just a statement of common sense....indeed I have fully paid for the braces already (£4000) so am pretty invested in her having them, and, more relevantly, she definitely needs them.
Two days beforehand, Waif told me that she didn't want braces just yet. I asked her if this was to do with her weight and she said "yes, a bit". I didn't explore further as we had the Maudsley coming up the next week and I thought that we would see how her weight was then. I don't think she has put on any weight recently but I am equally hoping she has not lost. I wonder if it is also as she is a bit nervous of braces as she saw both Older Daughter and me struggling a bit with them in 2009. I have rebooked Waif for September at the orthodontist and will do my best to encourage her to go for it then. It may be partly (who knows) due to her being in the throes of true love with her first boyfriend who is a lovely boy although very very thin (yikes) but he does eat a lot, I am assured by Waif, it is just that he is the tallest in the year and has grown a lot recently. He seems lovely - quiet and gentle and a supreme skateboarder.
It is coming up for the end of term and I booked us a weekend away last weekend, to Oxford, partly to look round colleges for Older Daughter who is considering applying, and partly to attend the Literary festival. We stayed first at Keble (seen pic above) and had breakfast in Hall (see below):
I though it was beautiful although the "Friends" of Keble college (Aka the Keble Demolition Society) at the next door college has the membership requirement being the acquisition of one brick.
We then stayed at Christchurch college which is astonishingly dreaming spires.....all golden Cotswold stone, manicured lawns, and beautiful wrought iron gas lamps. Here is Anorexia Daddy in Meadows Quad:
We went to the more child centred talks and laughed HYSTERICALLY at Louise Rennison who really should be a stand up comic. Philip Pullman was good too, talking about the sprite that is the narrator in a tale - the one who sits on the author's shoulder and can leap into certain minds but not others.
On the Saturday afternoon, in Spring sunshine, we took a walking tour but Waif, feeling tired, sat on a bench in the University Parks reading (her new Louise Rennison book).
On Sunday morning, we ate breakfast in Christchurch Hall, being the very room where Harry Potter was filmed. Later in the day we went to a Blue Peter talk back there again :
Sunday was Mother's Day. We all forgot. I belatedly remembered and dropped enormous hints to the girls who bought me a box of champagne truffles :-) Poor Waif was a bit put out about the whole weekend and wanted me to know that generally she wanted to spend weekends at home in term time as that is when she sees her friends. Sigh, fair point, but I appreciated her company for the weekend away. I felt a bit guilty on our return as she did have a lot of homework outstanding.
In the afternoon, Anorexia Daddy and I went round the Ashmolean whilst Waif and Older Daughter sipped hot chocolates opposite in The Randolph Hotel, made famous by Morse and, latterly, Bill Clinton's hotel of choice. One can force too much culture on one's children and I reckoned I was at the limit of elasticity for the weekend.
So roll on Monday, today. I knew that the Maudsley appointment was this week and had a vague feeling it might clash with my taking OD to Cardiff Medical School open day on Tuesday/ Wednesday so first thing this morning I mailed them to confirm the exact time/day. They mailed back saying TODAY!! Yikes, I texted Waif, phoned school and took her along. She was not best pleased as she said it was in her diary for tomorrow and she had to miss her art lesson to come today.
We waited and waited, and waited some more, and eventually it transpired that there had been a diary mix up and the appointment is tomorrow after all. Waif had been right. Poor child. It is an emotionally traumatic trip for her each and every time and she was in floods of tears on the way home and announced that she won't go tomorrow. I have some sympathy with her. I can't decide whether to rearrange for next week (which is also school holidays and so easier) and which would suit me better (I need to get to Cardiff tomorrow and the timing is tricky) or whether we should simply bite the bullet and go. In my heart, I know the latter is more sensible even though it does mean that I will go to the Maudsley with Waif and then dump her home alone whilst I leave with OD. Hmmm, maybe that is not such a good idea unless I can get Anorexia Daddy to come home for 6pm from the office which is not at all easy for him mostly.
As for me, I have less than 2 weeks until I am running in the marathon. That means a bit less training for now and so more free time. I will go for a last long run tomorrow morning and then taper. I have not trained as much as I should have but am quietly confident of finishing in well under 5 hours, hopefully under 4h 30. Waif clearly has the running gene as she came third in cross country at school last week, and that was after she had run 6km at the gym the night before.....don't worry she only goes to the gym on Wednesdays as it is part of her Duke of Edinburgh award. On Tuesday she volunteers at Oxfam, and on Mondays she goes to art classes. This is partly why she is so cross with me today as she missed art for the Maudsley and now she is to miss Oxfam too for tomorrow's visit. Not fulfilling her commitments is commendably stressful to her and not something she would willingly do. She is determined to get all 3 badges - bronze, silver and gold and I would bet my last penny that she succeeds.......(as long as she remains well).
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
faux pas - not such a nice person (me)
I was just out walking the dog in the park this morning.
Blogdog, is 11 years old but still spritely and the spring has got his testosterone levels on the rise. He is generally a very well behaved and calm dog but now and again another dog will take his fancy (not often - usually it is Boris the Schnauzer and otherwise generally only bitches in season) and there is no reasoning with him. Anyway, today, about 100 metres from a gate that was not our gate, Blogdog ran after a golden retriever; he was acting all over excited - licking and fawning and wagging his tail like mad. The GR was being walked by a young woman. I realised that Blogdog was not going to come back to me willingly and that the other owner was heading towards and out of the gate, presumably to go home, so I called over cheerily "please could you wait a minute?" as I did not want Blogdog running out onto the road following her and 10 seconds later would be there to grab him by the collar. But she carried on regardless and left the park, out of my sight and with my dog in tow. I began to jog to catch up, and called again. I caught up with her about 20m beyond the park gate, still with Blogdog shadowing her. I took hold of Blogdog. I was by this stage quite cross as she was just putting her own dog on the lead and about to cross a road with a fair amount of rush hour traffic on it, still without making any attempt to stop or look back to see whether I was coming and there is no way that she can have not heard me. Yes, my dog was at fault (although I am 90% certain that hers must be in season as my dog would not have acted the way he did otherwise), but actually if you care about animals you would not want any dog to get lost or run over needlessly and she only would have had to wait for 10 seconds as I was clearly coming over to retrieve Blogdog.
I felt she had shown a lack of consideration and I told her so (blush) - not rudely, but definitely firmly "I would have really appreciated it if you had stopped by the gate. Walking out of the park with someone else's dog is really not very nice at all" She looked startled and sad :-( muttered something very quietly about her dog wanting to get home, and carried on her way. I, back to the park with my Blogdog in disgrace.
I wonder if I looked intimidating - I am only small and petite but was wearing my leather biker jacket as I had just given Waif a lift to school on my motorbike (I passed the test yesterday and that is a whole other post)
It suddenly occurred to me that the owner had looked very thin. She also had red/ blonde hair and a golden retriever like my new friend whose anorexic daughter was expected back from Oxford last Monday. My word, this was Lucy. I feel so bad. I am doing my best to get my new friend's phone number to phone her up and explain that Lucy was told off by a cross lady in the park this morning so may not be feeling good (I usually just see my friend at training and around the local streets and although I wrote down her number last time, I cannot find it). I feel mortified to think that I may have spoken sharply - nay, DID speak sharply, to a girl in a fragile state, and hope that she doesn't go home and not eat breakfast because she is upset. She is obviously not used to the etiquette of dog walking and I did not treat her with the gentleness I would have shown to my own daughter. This shows that I am NOT a nice person as really one should always treat every stranger on the basis of how you would treat a friend or how you would wish your own family members to be treated because you never know what private difficulties and anguishes others are nursing.
I will go and check now whether a mutual friend has got back to me with contact details and get back to you all. I hope I can make up for this. I really feel quite sick with guilt.
Blogdog, is 11 years old but still spritely and the spring has got his testosterone levels on the rise. He is generally a very well behaved and calm dog but now and again another dog will take his fancy (not often - usually it is Boris the Schnauzer and otherwise generally only bitches in season) and there is no reasoning with him. Anyway, today, about 100 metres from a gate that was not our gate, Blogdog ran after a golden retriever; he was acting all over excited - licking and fawning and wagging his tail like mad. The GR was being walked by a young woman. I realised that Blogdog was not going to come back to me willingly and that the other owner was heading towards and out of the gate, presumably to go home, so I called over cheerily "please could you wait a minute?" as I did not want Blogdog running out onto the road following her and 10 seconds later would be there to grab him by the collar. But she carried on regardless and left the park, out of my sight and with my dog in tow. I began to jog to catch up, and called again. I caught up with her about 20m beyond the park gate, still with Blogdog shadowing her. I took hold of Blogdog. I was by this stage quite cross as she was just putting her own dog on the lead and about to cross a road with a fair amount of rush hour traffic on it, still without making any attempt to stop or look back to see whether I was coming and there is no way that she can have not heard me. Yes, my dog was at fault (although I am 90% certain that hers must be in season as my dog would not have acted the way he did otherwise), but actually if you care about animals you would not want any dog to get lost or run over needlessly and she only would have had to wait for 10 seconds as I was clearly coming over to retrieve Blogdog.
I felt she had shown a lack of consideration and I told her so (blush) - not rudely, but definitely firmly "I would have really appreciated it if you had stopped by the gate. Walking out of the park with someone else's dog is really not very nice at all" She looked startled and sad :-( muttered something very quietly about her dog wanting to get home, and carried on her way. I, back to the park with my Blogdog in disgrace.
I wonder if I looked intimidating - I am only small and petite but was wearing my leather biker jacket as I had just given Waif a lift to school on my motorbike (I passed the test yesterday and that is a whole other post)
It suddenly occurred to me that the owner had looked very thin. She also had red/ blonde hair and a golden retriever like my new friend whose anorexic daughter was expected back from Oxford last Monday. My word, this was Lucy. I feel so bad. I am doing my best to get my new friend's phone number to phone her up and explain that Lucy was told off by a cross lady in the park this morning so may not be feeling good (I usually just see my friend at training and around the local streets and although I wrote down her number last time, I cannot find it). I feel mortified to think that I may have spoken sharply - nay, DID speak sharply, to a girl in a fragile state, and hope that she doesn't go home and not eat breakfast because she is upset. She is obviously not used to the etiquette of dog walking and I did not treat her with the gentleness I would have shown to my own daughter. This shows that I am NOT a nice person as really one should always treat every stranger on the basis of how you would treat a friend or how you would wish your own family members to be treated because you never know what private difficulties and anguishes others are nursing.
I will go and check now whether a mutual friend has got back to me with contact details and get back to you all. I hope I can make up for this. I really feel quite sick with guilt.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Looking to the future
I have made a new friend at running club. She is a little older than I am and her daughter is 20 years old and at Oxford University. I heard on the grapevine that her daughter, like Waif, has had anorexia since she was 14 years old. She too has been treated at The Maudsley so we bumped into each other locally the other day and got chatting.
Sigh, I assumed that her daughter (will call her Lucy) would be fine by now - happy at Oxford etc but it turns out that it was not that simple. Lucy had to postpone her place by a year in order to spend 7 months as an inpatient for treatment and is still only 42kg, despite being about the same height as Waif (about 165cm). Apparently she phones from college complaining that she is fat because she has put on 0.5kg (FFS she must be skeletal), and has then lost it by the next week :-(
My new friend tells me that they took part in an experimental group family therapy at the Maudsley a few years back and that she felt happy at that time that Lucy had not done any of that food throwing/ aggression that others talked about.....only to go through it herself the next year.
This tells me several important things:
- not to get complacent - just because Waif has made good progress recently does not mean that she will not relapse and have this horrid disease for years and years
- to not relax on Waif gaining her target weight of 51.5kg
- to not expect that the course of the disease will not change its nature :-(
- that I am right not to be intending to return to work in the near future. I have instead applied to do a part time Masters course (in science communication). This will involve one day a week in college and the other studying I will be able to fit in around Waif's needs.
I have not weighed Waif recently although I try to gently remind her several times a day to eat. Often I get an "oops, I only had cereal for breakfast" (this morning for instance) or somesuch in reply at which point she will go and have some more. As she now has a budding social life, she is having quite a few meals out of the home so I have no real idea of what is eaten but I am trusting her for now and also reminding her that she needs to be 48.5kg by 31 March if her orthodontic braces are to be fitted.
Meantime, I am in the middle of marathon training. I ran the first 18 miles of the course this morning so am having a little sit down this afternoon. I have almost given up on hoping to lose a couple of kg before the race, which is 5 weeks away, as it is so much more important that Waif does not see me skipping meals (which I also find very easy to do, just like her). Half of me wants to be independent and not have life revolve around an eating disorder but half of me just wants Waif to be better more than anything else in the world. It is easy to forget how worried I was this time last year and to forget to keep concentrating on recovery.
The battle against my daughter's anorexia is my real marathon.
Sigh, I assumed that her daughter (will call her Lucy) would be fine by now - happy at Oxford etc but it turns out that it was not that simple. Lucy had to postpone her place by a year in order to spend 7 months as an inpatient for treatment and is still only 42kg, despite being about the same height as Waif (about 165cm). Apparently she phones from college complaining that she is fat because she has put on 0.5kg (FFS she must be skeletal), and has then lost it by the next week :-(
My new friend tells me that they took part in an experimental group family therapy at the Maudsley a few years back and that she felt happy at that time that Lucy had not done any of that food throwing/ aggression that others talked about.....only to go through it herself the next year.
This tells me several important things:
- not to get complacent - just because Waif has made good progress recently does not mean that she will not relapse and have this horrid disease for years and years
- to not relax on Waif gaining her target weight of 51.5kg
- to not expect that the course of the disease will not change its nature :-(
- that I am right not to be intending to return to work in the near future. I have instead applied to do a part time Masters course (in science communication). This will involve one day a week in college and the other studying I will be able to fit in around Waif's needs.
I have not weighed Waif recently although I try to gently remind her several times a day to eat. Often I get an "oops, I only had cereal for breakfast" (this morning for instance) or somesuch in reply at which point she will go and have some more. As she now has a budding social life, she is having quite a few meals out of the home so I have no real idea of what is eaten but I am trusting her for now and also reminding her that she needs to be 48.5kg by 31 March if her orthodontic braces are to be fitted.
Meantime, I am in the middle of marathon training. I ran the first 18 miles of the course this morning so am having a little sit down this afternoon. I have almost given up on hoping to lose a couple of kg before the race, which is 5 weeks away, as it is so much more important that Waif does not see me skipping meals (which I also find very easy to do, just like her). Half of me wants to be independent and not have life revolve around an eating disorder but half of me just wants Waif to be better more than anything else in the world. It is easy to forget how worried I was this time last year and to forget to keep concentrating on recovery.
The battle against my daughter's anorexia is my real marathon.
Monday, 21 February 2011
Orthodontics
I took Waif to the orthodontist today. Her teeth are as crooked as a sevenpenny piece and she has a horrendous bite. I had told her that there was no way she could havebraces until she was a proper weight. Her current target (95% of her recommended weight for age/height) is 51.5kg. At her last weigh-in she was 47kg on the nose.
Anyway, she has been eating brilliantly for the last day or two. She made me proud yesterday by having GRAVY on her roast potatoes which is something she has not done for 2 years. Her older sister said, not unreasonably as Waif has spent 2 years saying so, "I thought you didn't like gravy" and Waif flatly retorted that she did, like it was a known world fact.
Anyway, I had told Waif last week that she needed to be 47.5kg for today's appointment but didn't push the point, and although I asked her a couple of times if she had weighed herself and if she was 47.5kg, she chose not to give me a straight answer and I still took her to the appointment thinking that this was not the final crunch point. But the upshot is that I have coughed up a few thousand pounds and the braces are due to be put on on 31 March.
Waif looks well now: although still thin, her skin is glowing and she has a liveliness and spirit back. The psych was immensely reassured that Waif's periods have started and is now much more relaxed which has rubbed off onto me a little.
So....my big dilemma is whether I stick to demanding 51.5kg by 31st March (which seems a very tall order and one that could cause conflict) or settle for continued slow weight gain, and I won't even cross the bridge of her simply maintaining 47kg as that is not in any of my acceptable world views. My inclination is to be happy with normal, varied eating and a steady gain even if she doesn't make the 51.5kg figure but I do want to lay down a marker in the sand right NOW so that I can forewarn Waif and also make myself stick to it by reading back this post. Perhaps 48.5kg??
Meantime, I am training hard for the London Marathon but weigh more than I have ever weighed really......I am 10lbs (4kg) heavier than pre-Maudsley and this is not good for a fast time!!! In my ideal world I would do sub 4 hours but at current weight, I reckon it will be closer to 4h25. Basically, I am secretly aiming to get DOWN to 51kg whilst I want Waif to get UP to it. I am 4cm smaller than her so it would not be too thin for me, but just right. However, I am not sure if I should be open about this and explain that I am NOT having pudding because I am trying to LOSE weight but that waif MUST have pudding because she needs to GAIN weight, or whether that would be a trigger for her. Obviously, her health comes first but I can't stop my own life impinging a little (I am not perfect).
In all this, I can't keep from feeling such utter relief that my current dilemmas are not of the same order of magnitude or worry as those of a year ago. We are lucky.
Anyway, she has been eating brilliantly for the last day or two. She made me proud yesterday by having GRAVY on her roast potatoes which is something she has not done for 2 years. Her older sister said, not unreasonably as Waif has spent 2 years saying so, "I thought you didn't like gravy" and Waif flatly retorted that she did, like it was a known world fact.
Anyway, I had told Waif last week that she needed to be 47.5kg for today's appointment but didn't push the point, and although I asked her a couple of times if she had weighed herself and if she was 47.5kg, she chose not to give me a straight answer and I still took her to the appointment thinking that this was not the final crunch point. But the upshot is that I have coughed up a few thousand pounds and the braces are due to be put on on 31 March.
Waif looks well now: although still thin, her skin is glowing and she has a liveliness and spirit back. The psych was immensely reassured that Waif's periods have started and is now much more relaxed which has rubbed off onto me a little.
So....my big dilemma is whether I stick to demanding 51.5kg by 31st March (which seems a very tall order and one that could cause conflict) or settle for continued slow weight gain, and I won't even cross the bridge of her simply maintaining 47kg as that is not in any of my acceptable world views. My inclination is to be happy with normal, varied eating and a steady gain even if she doesn't make the 51.5kg figure but I do want to lay down a marker in the sand right NOW so that I can forewarn Waif and also make myself stick to it by reading back this post. Perhaps 48.5kg??
Meantime, I am training hard for the London Marathon but weigh more than I have ever weighed really......I am 10lbs (4kg) heavier than pre-Maudsley and this is not good for a fast time!!! In my ideal world I would do sub 4 hours but at current weight, I reckon it will be closer to 4h25. Basically, I am secretly aiming to get DOWN to 51kg whilst I want Waif to get UP to it. I am 4cm smaller than her so it would not be too thin for me, but just right. However, I am not sure if I should be open about this and explain that I am NOT having pudding because I am trying to LOSE weight but that waif MUST have pudding because she needs to GAIN weight, or whether that would be a trigger for her. Obviously, her health comes first but I can't stop my own life impinging a little (I am not perfect).
In all this, I can't keep from feeling such utter relief that my current dilemmas are not of the same order of magnitude or worry as those of a year ago. We are lucky.
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Flying Solo
With such a long gap until Waif's next appointment at the Maudsley, everyday eating is like cycling without stabilisers for the first time. You know that feeling you get the first time you go on a Motorway after passing your driving test? Despite the fact you felt confident approaching the slip road, somehow once on the road it feels scary - there is no escape and HOW fast exactly is that lorry coming up behind you going? It takes grit not to panic.
I took Waif to the gym yesterday, as is our wont on Mondays. I settled for a swim as I had run 13 miles on Sunday so was having a rest day. She set off for the running machine at 5.30pm. "See you about 6 here in the changing rooms" was my parting comment.
At 6, I got out of the sauna (honestly, I had swum first) and headed for the showers. No Waif. Ho hum, she will be here soon. 6.05 no Waif. 6.10 no Waif and I had nearly finished drying my hair. 6.15 no Waif....oh well, she had some earphones to buy first so perhaps she had a delayed start, or maybe she has bumped into a friend. At 6.20, just as I was considering heading up to the weights area to look for her, she finally appeared, looking exhausted. She told me that she had gone for a long session on the running machine "because we haven't been to the gym recently." Hmmm....... she was then too full to finish her plate of supper noodles and/or to eat pudding, and refused a bed time snack because we had run out of cheddar cheese. It occurred to me that I also didn't know if she had eaten an after school snack as she had gone straight from school to her art lesson before I picked her up for the gym.
I try not to worry on the basis of one day, after all a run once a week is healthy and as far as I know she ate a good breakfast and a reasonable lunch but it does feel odd and scary allowing her so much control of her own and seeing her missing food on her menu. I have suggested to her that she ought to weigh herself weekly to check that she is still putting on weight and on track for her current target of 51.5kg which is, after all, 4kg more than where she is now. I am reluctant to intervene or try to wrest back too much control as I know that when she is 15 or 16 years old that will not be possible and she has to learn to eat sensibly on her own. It feels like the first day I let her walk to school alone across the park (aged 8, with her older sister, aged 10, in charge).
Meanwhile, whilst tidying her room, I came across an old diary from when she was 12, with a list of calorie and weight loss goals :-( She had made herself a star chart grid. She was aiming at being only 36kg :-( I wonder if I should talk to her about that, or keep it, or bin it.
I took Waif to the gym yesterday, as is our wont on Mondays. I settled for a swim as I had run 13 miles on Sunday so was having a rest day. She set off for the running machine at 5.30pm. "See you about 6 here in the changing rooms" was my parting comment.
At 6, I got out of the sauna (honestly, I had swum first) and headed for the showers. No Waif. Ho hum, she will be here soon. 6.05 no Waif. 6.10 no Waif and I had nearly finished drying my hair. 6.15 no Waif....oh well, she had some earphones to buy first so perhaps she had a delayed start, or maybe she has bumped into a friend. At 6.20, just as I was considering heading up to the weights area to look for her, she finally appeared, looking exhausted. She told me that she had gone for a long session on the running machine "because we haven't been to the gym recently." Hmmm....... she was then too full to finish her plate of supper noodles and/or to eat pudding, and refused a bed time snack because we had run out of cheddar cheese. It occurred to me that I also didn't know if she had eaten an after school snack as she had gone straight from school to her art lesson before I picked her up for the gym.
I try not to worry on the basis of one day, after all a run once a week is healthy and as far as I know she ate a good breakfast and a reasonable lunch but it does feel odd and scary allowing her so much control of her own and seeing her missing food on her menu. I have suggested to her that she ought to weigh herself weekly to check that she is still putting on weight and on track for her current target of 51.5kg which is, after all, 4kg more than where she is now. I am reluctant to intervene or try to wrest back too much control as I know that when she is 15 or 16 years old that will not be possible and she has to learn to eat sensibly on her own. It feels like the first day I let her walk to school alone across the park (aged 8, with her older sister, aged 10, in charge).
Meanwhile, whilst tidying her room, I came across an old diary from when she was 12, with a list of calorie and weight loss goals :-( She had made herself a star chart grid. She was aiming at being only 36kg :-( I wonder if I should talk to her about that, or keep it, or bin it.
Friday, 4 February 2011
Maudsley visit 47kg
Well, that went well :-)
Waif has put on 0.9kg in a fortnight. The psych is pleased that Waif has hit puberty and said that was a very good sign. She said that 47kg is a magical figure at which periods start and that Waif must indeed be naturally a very slim build as her hormones kicked in below that. She said that, in view of the fact that Waif is naturally skinny (like the rest of the family) she would be content to see Waif at 95% of her healthy weight. I have mixed emotions about this ...partly, I am grateful as I don't think Waif would be happy to be 100% and would consider herself chubby and that could trigger renewed dieting, but partly I am worried as all I have read indicates that the goal weight achieved and aimed at is very important to long term recovery as the sufferer tends to see it as a MAXIMUM never to be exceeded rather than a median point to oscillate around.
So, we asked the obvious question as to what 95% weight for age/height would be for Waif. We were told that, very roughly, you take 110 off someone's height in cm, and that gives you their ideal weight in kg. So, Waif is 165cm which gives about 55kg. Of course, her target figure is actually a bit less as she is only 14 and we are not going for 100% In fact her 95% goal turns out to be 51.5kg, rising to 54.2kg if she grows another 3 cm.
The psych is keen to discharge Waif within 6 months (with follow ups thereafter) and our next appointment is not to be for another 8 weeks. Bliss.
Ok, confession: Waif and I were each asked to fill in a questionnaire. We both did so and I asked Waif whether she wanted to take them back to reception. She said she wanted me to do that. Reader, I am only human and sneaked a quick look at Waif's answers. She had put that generally the psych understood her and asked the right questions and that she never felt inhibited by having her parents in attendance. I hope she is being honest as that is good news,but you never can tell with Waif as she always wants to please and could well have answered "as expected" rather than truthfully.
On balance, Waif appears to be enjoying life and all it has to offer. She is also eating regularly and sufficiently. I couldn't be happier if I had won the lottery.
Waif has put on 0.9kg in a fortnight. The psych is pleased that Waif has hit puberty and said that was a very good sign. She said that 47kg is a magical figure at which periods start and that Waif must indeed be naturally a very slim build as her hormones kicked in below that. She said that, in view of the fact that Waif is naturally skinny (like the rest of the family) she would be content to see Waif at 95% of her healthy weight. I have mixed emotions about this ...partly, I am grateful as I don't think Waif would be happy to be 100% and would consider herself chubby and that could trigger renewed dieting, but partly I am worried as all I have read indicates that the goal weight achieved and aimed at is very important to long term recovery as the sufferer tends to see it as a MAXIMUM never to be exceeded rather than a median point to oscillate around.
So, we asked the obvious question as to what 95% weight for age/height would be for Waif. We were told that, very roughly, you take 110 off someone's height in cm, and that gives you their ideal weight in kg. So, Waif is 165cm which gives about 55kg. Of course, her target figure is actually a bit less as she is only 14 and we are not going for 100% In fact her 95% goal turns out to be 51.5kg, rising to 54.2kg if she grows another 3 cm.
The psych is keen to discharge Waif within 6 months (with follow ups thereafter) and our next appointment is not to be for another 8 weeks. Bliss.
Ok, confession: Waif and I were each asked to fill in a questionnaire. We both did so and I asked Waif whether she wanted to take them back to reception. She said she wanted me to do that. Reader, I am only human and sneaked a quick look at Waif's answers. She had put that generally the psych understood her and asked the right questions and that she never felt inhibited by having her parents in attendance. I hope she is being honest as that is good news,but you never can tell with Waif as she always wants to please and could well have answered "as expected" rather than truthfully.
On balance, Waif appears to be enjoying life and all it has to offer. She is also eating regularly and sufficiently. I couldn't be happier if I had won the lottery.
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