Sometimes Waif's condition seems unreal to me, like a bad dream, and it is always a jolt when others are worried too, and that makes me feel sick and guilty at letting things slip so far.
They said that it would be possible to arrange for Waif to eat lunch with an older girl, the nurse or a teacher or even her older sister if I thought that would help. In a way, I suspect it would help as she wouldn't be able to not eat anything without being embarrassed, but I also know that Waif would hate it. She dislikes being singled out and being different. I have decided that if, when she is weighed on Monday next, she has not gained weight then I will enforce this nonetheless because food is the top priority.
In the meantime, I asked the school to let me know how often Waif has used her lunch pass. I have just had an email saying that she used it 4 days last week. This means that she definitely missed lunch on Thursday - why? I was out on Wednesday evening and left my husband to feed the girls. He said that he ladled an enormous portion of spag bol onto her plate and then insisted she ate pudding. Perhaps, bizarrely, she is compensating the next day.
I do not want Waif to know that I am having dining card usage reported back to me or else she will simply swipe her card even when she is skipping lunch and I will have less idea what is going on.
I wish that I could have some time alone with the psychiatrist at the Maudsley so that I can tell him that she is still skipping lunch occasionally (on the evidence, there may be some other explanation but I can't think of it) and that she has spent a long time checking calories on the internet.
Meanwhile, my mother phoned me today as we had been at a family party together on Sunday. She said that she thought Waif looked pale, listless and a lot thinner than she had looked before - I worked out that that was the beginning of September. Waif looks thinner to me too, but has not objectively lost weight when weighed at the Maudsley, although she may have grown a little. I wonder if she is drinking a lot before the visits? Sigh, this just made me feel awful again as I feel so helpless, and I couldn't wait to put the phone down :-(
I am cooking a chicken curry tonight with plenty of high fat coconut milk and ground almonds hidden inside, and I have Waif's white hot chocolate ready to microwave as soon as she comes in from school in 15 minutes time. I am going to take this one day at a time and ensure that Waif eats enough at home to compensate for any non-eating at school. If she still loses weight then I will take her out every day for lunch.
I am taking this one day at a time and am absolutely determined to succeed every day.
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