Friday, 20 November 2009


Waif came home from school today and into the bath, as we were off out to the theatre (The Nation at The National).

She decided to use our en suite and undressed in front of me. She is suddenly frighteningly skeletal :-( Even H now agrees - he saw her arms yesterday in a video on World War 1 that she did for school and he was shocked at the fact that it looks only like a bone - her elbows and knees are much broader than the limbs above and below the joints.

Waif has claimed to have gone off hot chocolate for a few months now but, when pressed, agreed she would drink white hot chocolate. She found herself some sachets the other day, but I looked at the pack and it was an "add water" low calorie, high chemical sweetener affair. Wiaf got very cross when she discovered me adding milk in too.

So today I found some proper sugar and cocoa butter white hot chocolate powder in Waitrose and brought it home (oh, my resignation at work was accepted yesterday hence my time for Waitrose today). She drank a cupful on her return home (pre-bath). Result!

We ate sandwiches pre-theatre. I made a large selection and bought some extra: Waif ate half a tuna sandwich (no butter, crusts cut off) and half a duck pancake. This might be enough supper if she has really eaten lunch. I doubt it.

When we got home, Waif also ate - disgruntled and under pressure - a piece of toast and jam.

I found her asleep in front of her laptop 20 minutes later. I have been hatching a plan and so I took the laptop from her. She was still logged on. I pressed "ctrl H" and saw her sites for the day, which can only have been about half an hour between her bath and leaving for the play.

Mostly Facebook but then 6 searches for "calories, white hot choclate, whittards, Waitrose." :-( :-( So perhaps that is why she rushes off after every time she eats. She is checking calories. But why, for goodness sake? I am so worried by this. I so want to help her and reach out to her and now I seriously fear she is heading towards permanently damaging her body.

My husband said that Waif's breath smelled very strange tonight. I guess that might be ketones - a sign of starvation and, I dimly believe, possible kidney damage. It is a wake up call.

I have arranged to go in and talk to the headmistress at school on Monday. If they can't watch Waif eat lunch, then I will go in every day and supervise her eating personally. I have no faith in her eating otherwise.

Meanwhile, the Maudsley have again postponed Waif's next visit due to the (almost) psych's exams. Yes, I am sure they are important, but how come he doesn't know about them 2 weeks in advance? I have been offered Thursday at 3pm or the following Monday at 4pm. I am tempted by the Thursday slot as it is closer but know that Waif would prefer the 4pm appointment as then she doesn't have to find an excuse to miss lessons which she finds difficult to explain to her friends. I will see how she eats over the weekend.

I am going to not go out tomorrow to training unless and until Waif has eaten THREE things for breakfast: hot chocolate, egg on toast, and some yoghurt or cereal.

H and I are supposed to be attending a Bat Mitzvah on Sunday - morning and evening. I am not sure if I can, in all conscience, leave Waif over two mealtimes. I am torn as the girl is my oldest friend's daughter and I have not seen as much of her as I would like.

I am so glad I have stopped work as I would never forgive myself if I didn't do everything humanly possible to help Waif. I pray it is enough.

My mission tomorrow is to get 3,000 calories down Waif. I shall report in 24 hours. Waif will not like it at all :-(

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