Friday, 26 March 2010

Not so good

I had melt down yesterday.

I went to pick up Waif from school and drive her straight to the Maudsley.  It's quite a rush as Waif doesn't want to miss any school and the psych doesn't want to work late (understandably) so we have a small time scale.  Due to my incompetence with email (a long story) I was too busy trying to remedy a correspondence disaster to remember to pack Waif's snack. As a result we had to stop at garage on the way from school to the hospital where there was an M and S snack shop.  Waif bought herself a tuna sandwich and an apple.  We were then running late and to compound my errors I clipped the wing of another car (or possibly the other car reversed into me...not sure) which then delayed me further as I had to stop and swap details.

Then life looked up:  there was jubilation yesterday afternoon as Waif weighed in at 41.2kg which would have been 800g up on last week  :-)    We hugged one another in joy.

Then Waif visited the loo and the psych grabbed her on her way back past and reweighed her, this time at 40.0kg.  Waif immediately burst into tears  :-(   It was as if she had been awarded a medal only to discover moments later that she had been disqualified.

And accused of cheating, to boot.

Older Daughter was with us (but not my husband who is very busy at work at the moment).  I felt as low as I have felt over this whole debacle.  I feel that there is no more I can be doing, and little more that Waif can do (except eat the New York cheesecake I buy her, and put butter on her toast).

Waif spent the whole appointment sobbing and thus contributed little.  The psych asked me why I thought that Waif had lost weight (btw I am not totally sure that I accept this premise, I reckon Waif's weight was probably pretty stable).  OD and I both agreed that when Waif has gained weight, I allow my guard to slip and Waif has more freedom on food and takes more exercise.  We all decided (well Waif wouldn't say anything) that Waif needs close supervision from now on for a few weeks and that the Easter holidays are well-timed.

Waif seemed genuinely distraught at losing weight and later in the evening she sobbed and sobbed in my arms saying that the psych made her depressed.  I reassured her that it is "my" job to get her up to a healthy weight and that it is I who is responsible for failure, not her, and that I can't imagine anyone in the world more lovely than she and her sister are (it's true - they are wonderful girls;  kind, good, funny, interesting, clever) and she is not to feel down.  This is a cruel illness.  Hmmm... Waif had come across me crying too :-(     I never cry usually but yesterday everything finally got on top of me.  I have recovered my composure and some optimism this morning.  We have no choice but to look to the future, forget the past, and do our best as we move forward.

At the Maudsley, the issue of OD's weight came up as I had a cunning plan (idiot, me).  I asked Waif if she thought OD was fat.  Obviously the answer is no - OD is incredibly slim and gorgeous too.   Waif perked up, agreed OD was definitely not fat and asked OD what exactly she did weigh.  OD said around 48kg.  Waif then seemed to buy into the idea that she should weigh at least 47kg.  The psych then asked OD how tall she was.  About 168cm.  The psych said that really OD was too thin and shouldn't on any account lose any weight or her periods would stop and she would cause herself problems.  Sigh, why are we all thin?  Do I really not give everyone enough food?  The psych said that we must all have a high metabolic rate  :-(    She also read Waif the riot act and said that, being as underweight as she is, will stunt her growth and that it is vital for her to put on weight.

I mentioned to my husband what the psych had said about OD.  He said that he didn't think OD was skinny in the least.  He also said that he must have had stunted growth as he was just as skinny as Waif when he was young.  (Please can I silently scream? - my husband is 6ft 4 and so this is presumably his way of saying, yet again, that he doesn't believe that Waif has a problem and is too thin DESPITE the fact that the world's leading centre on anorexia is saying that she is and that her health is at risk as a result and she must be constantly supervised until she gains weight.)   Sigh, OTOH my husband will also then agree that Waif is underweight and needs to be told to put on weight.  He mentioned that maybe 43kg would be good.  More like 48kg is nearer the mark although I too would worry less at 43kg.

Meanwhile, today is the last day of term and Waif broke up at midday.  The plan was for her to go to lunch with some school friends but somehow that was cancelled at the last minute and Waif arranged to meet a very old friend, Emily, in the village.  Waif phoned me to say that she had eaten fish and chips on the way up the street so would not be eating lunch with Emily.  I told her a second lunch would do no harm.  She got cross with me on the phone.  Hmmmm.....I am far from convinced that Waif has had lunch.

I have bought a 630 calorie macaroni cheese for Waif's supper.  I don't want her to look at the calories!  With bad timing, my husband and I are out tonight so I will rely on OD to supervise but Waif isn't always amenable to being told what to do by her sister..........

Tomorrow I will regain control of meals and we will get in as many calories as possibly before next Thursday's appointment.  We will do it.  We must get to 42kg for the engineering course to happen 5 days after that.

1 comment:

  1. Hope, I am truly sorry it was such a stressful day for all of you.
    I am glad that you are determined to look forward and to move is what MUST be done!

    I don't want to sound mean or harsh, I really don't - I want to help - so I have to tell you that, when someone is trapped and in the grip of Anorexia, you MUST BE SUPER-VIGILANT,CONSISTENTLY!!!
    The sufferer will take any and every opportunity, to trick and fool those around her - it is NOT the REAL persons personality that you are dealing with - it is a girl in the grip of an evil, cunning, powerful illness. Shhe will do things completely out-of-character when the anorexia is in control, and the bottom line is, that,as sad and upsetting as it is,you CANNOT BELIEVE what the sufferer tells you regarding her weight, exercise,food consumption,ANYTHING to do with weight and food!!
    I tricked,fooled,pretended,lied,cheated, over and over and over again, during my teen years with anorexia - my parents were wrong to believe any word that left mymouth, and i hate that, but it was what happened.
    Please don't see this as criticism, just as truth and fact from my dreadful personal experience.
    I want Waif to be well,so i need to be honest with you.
    mUCH LOVE,
    Jennifer xx